Mother, dear mother

‘Yes, in fact he claims that I am the one who won. When he held him the first time, Bello smiled and called him ‘little betrayer.’ I asked why and he said he wished there was more of him on the boy.’ She explained. ‘No, there is a lot of him here all right, just […]

‘Yes, in fact he claims that I am the one who won. When he held him the first time, Bello smiled and called him ‘little betrayer.’ I asked why and he said he wished there was more of him on the boy.’ She explained.

‘No, there is a lot of him here all right, just not everything. I’m sure he is on top of the world now that he is finally a father.’

‘Yes he is, he kept saying he couldn’t thank God enough for granting him his own child after eight years of trying.’ Fa’iza replied, lying back on her hospital bed.

‘Alhamdulillah, we have every reason to be thankful to God. What have you decided to name him?’I asked. And almost as if I had said the wrong thing, my young neighbour’s expression changed, a tinge of sadness came over it.

‘Bello is naming him after my father, Abdullahi.’ She answered simply.

‘MashaAllah, that is so nice of him. You must be very happy about this.’ I observed.

‘Actually I am not, because that wasn’t his first choice. Ever since I was confirmed pregnant, he had been dreaming of naming his first son after his father or his first daughter after his own mum. He keeps assuring me that the next one will be mine to name. I didn’t care about what name is given as long as I have a child of my own. So I assured him that it really doesn’t matter. But now that the child is here his mother caused him to change everything. ‘ Fa’iza concluded.

‘You mean she rejected the idea of naming your son after her husband?’ I asked surprised.

‘Well not in so many words, she just did something to make Bello change his mind.’ Fa’iza answered.

‘I see’ I replied, not wishing to ask for details in case she didn’t want to say more. But wiping away the tears that had suddenly begun to flow from her eyes, Fa’iza sat up again and said.

‘I had no idea his mother felt this way about me. In the years we had lived without a child, I had always felt incomplete because her daughters were always having children while her one son couldn’t. And that son is married to me. Whenever I prayed to God for a child, one of the reasons I gave Him was so my mother-in-law will be happy. But to my great amazement I found out that she was not at all happy about this baby. In fact she has not come to see him and neither did any of her daughters. Their excuse was that they live faraway in their hometown. But like Bello said he was all set to send the driver to bring her or them over. Yet she said nothing about coming. When he finally asked when she will come, Inna said until she consults with her daughters. Up to now they haven’t called back or indicated any desire to come. And tomorrow is the naming day.’ She sobbed.

‘But are you sure there is no problem at their end? Why don’t you ask Bello to call them again?’ I advised.

‘I did but he said he will not. He told me that he was unhappy with the way she received the news. Apparently all she said was ‘So Fai’za was pregnant?’ when he told her that I had delivered. He said there was none of the joy and congrats he had expected to hear from her. But he still put it down to initial shock because she didn’t know about the pregnancy. Three days ago he called to ask when to send a driver for her but she said she hadn’t decided yet because she had not discussed with her daughters.

He was so disappointed he came straight here and wondered why she needed her daughter’s permission to come and see his child. He was after all her only son, and this grandchild is ultimately her only real grandchild, because her daughters’children will all be claimed by their fathers’ relatives. I told him to be a little more patient, assuring him that may be they will still come a day or two later. Well they haven’t and when he came to see me this afternoon, he said he had decided to name the child after my father and had already phoned to tell his mother so.’ Fa’iza disclosed.

‘So what did she say?’ I asked.

‘Bello said she protested and asked how he could do that when he had not honoured his own father. But he explained to her that his father was not alive to appreciate the gesture but mine is. According to him, even while they were having this discussion, he was still hoping to hear her say something about coming but she never did. He bade her farewell and came here to tell me. But more worrying to me is the fact that she didn’t try to call me and neither did any of her daughters. I mean I had this baby by Caesarean section and they all knew it. So if they didn’t want to congratulate me they could at least ask about my health. I just didn’t know they hate me this much.’ She said.

‘I don’t think it’s hatred per se and I also don’t think you are the object of it. To me it’s more like resentment at the fact that the pregnancy was kept a secret from them. Maybe they will come as soon as they get over it.’ I said, reassuringly.

‘I had wanted to believe so too, but he told me something he once overheard his two cousins discussing when they thought he wasn’t within ear shot. Apparently when he paid the Umrah (lesser hajj) fares for the duo they had gone to his mother to express their gratitude. In the process they assured her that once they got to the Holy Land they will pray to Allah to grant Bello more wealth and success as well as his own children. But the mother quickly protested and said that they shouldn’t interfere with God’s Will; that the issue of having children is entirely in the Hands of God. So they should just concentrate on praying for his wealth and success but never get into the issue of his childlessness.

Therefore when they came here en route to Saudi they started reviewing the incident as soon as they finished having dinner with him because they thought he had gone to his room. Unknown to them Bello was in his study. He said to me that he almost couldn’t sleep that night wondering just what his mother meant. Could she be happy with the fact that he had no child of his own? He confessed to me today, that for days he kept agonising over it and at some point he even felt tempted to call her and ask whether she really said that. He only restrained himself because he didn’t want to land his two cousins in trouble.

Now Bello believes that everything had fallen into place. He now knows for sure that his mother had wanted him to remain childless. Otherwise she should have been here when she heard that he was now a father. But I told him that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. For truly Hajia Bint, it is my belief that no woman will want her son to remain childless and it is not known anywhere that a grandmother should be so resentful of her grandchild that she is not even curious to see him. The only logical explanation is that she didn’t want me to be the mother of Bello’s children.’ She concluded, dejectedly.

‘No, don’t think that way Fai’za, harbouring such negative thoughts about them wouldn’t help you. But why do you think he hid the news of your pregnancy from them?’ I asked.

‘He said it was better to surprise them than to raise their hopes and when something goes wrong begin to make long explanations.’ Fa’iza replied.

‘And you are sure you did nothing to offend her in the past?’ I insisted.

‘Nothing, as far as I can remember. Without meaning to praise myself I dare say I have been an exemplary daughter in law. I always bought for her whatever I bought for my mother. I have been respectful and considerate, always insisting that my husband should do what is right by her.’ She defended.

‘Then if this is the case, continue doing what you are doing. Don’t let her or her daughters’ behaviour disturb your life. If they failed to show up at all, send her a photo of you and the baby. Phone her afterwards and say you will be coming after your 40 days’ confinement to bring her grandchild. Just continue doing what is right and inshaAllah she will come round one day.’ I advised.

Responses to this and past editions of the column are welcome. Please use the new email address above. Thank you, Al-Bint.