Mother, dear mother (II)

‘Thank you Hajia Bint. And you are welcome to this event. I actually have my sister to thank for my ‘perfect finish’ appearance. She worked hard to hide every blemish on my face, so that the bags around my eyes will get hidden.’ Fa’iza replied.‘Poor new mum, I’m sure you got those bags from lack […]

‘Thank you Hajia Bint. And you are welcome to this event. I actually have my sister to thank for my ‘perfect finish’ appearance. She worked hard to hide every blemish on my face, so that the bags around my eyes will get hidden.’ Fa’iza replied.
‘Poor new mum, I’m sure you got those bags from lack of sleep. New born babies always cry at night. If you are lucky he will stop soon since some do stop in a matter of weeks but others take months to stabilise.’ I warned.
‘My eye bags have nothing to do with the baby actually. He has been wonderful; ever since we left hospital he sleeps soundly at night. My puffed eyes are the result of my own crying. I can’t get over the fact that my mother-in –law is still not interested in seeing her grandson. When we sent word that we had postponed the naming till this weekend, we all thought she had been given enough notice and therefore had no reason not to come. She called me herself, for the first time, yesterday and said she will not be able to come. She gave me no reason but said she wished me a happy celebration. There was no mention of her daughters so I couldn’t tell whether they were part of decision or not. But after answering her call, I fell back on my bed and cried my heart out. And the result was my red and puffed-up eyes.’ She explained.
‘I’m sorry about this Fa’iza but I have told you not to allow this issue to continue upsetting you. Here, meet my friend Sabira, she had a similar experience to yours. I deliberately invited her here in case we will need to counsel you regarding your in-laws. In fact I thought they will be here and might do something to upset you. This is her sister Samiya.’ And I moved aside to let her shake their hands.
‘You are welcome, thank you so much for coming. Please let’s go into the sitting room and talk a bit before the rest of the walima guests arrive. Since people are just arriving now may be nobody will miss me. ‘ Faiza said leading us back into the house. As soon as the drinks she ordered for us were served, Sabira looked at her and said:
‘Bint has told me about your problems with your husband’s mother. Personally I think your case isn’t as bad as you think. You only have a great problem if your husband is in a team with his mother or if he takes her advice on every matter concerning you two. You see when I had my son, who was the third child after two girls, I also thought my mother-in-law will be ecstatic. But like yours she didn’t come to see him and didn’t come for the naming. And unlike yours she sent her daughter for the ceremony. But days to the event, we had noticed a bump on my son’s forehead. We took him back to hospital and the doctor who delivered him denied having anything to do with the bump but he fixed us an appointment with his paediatrician.
The appointment fell on the naming day. When my sister-in-law arrived for the event, I attended to her but then left her to chat with her brother while I saw to other guests. When she was about to leave she came and said to me my husband had said he had gone to a friend’s house and won’t be back till after Magrib. I thanked her for the message and understood my husband’s need to be away because a house full of women isn’t always a comfortable place for a man. In any case the doctor had said that the paediatrician will be there between 5 and 9pm. Believing that we will find time to make it after his return in the evening, I went about my task of attending to well-wishers.
After they had all left, my aunt gave my son a hot bath and got him ready for hospital. I had mine too and we waited for my husband to come. He never did. At exactly 9pm I heard him coming into the house. I rushed from the room and asked whether he had forgotten about the appointment and he said ‘No, didn’t my sister give you my message?’
‘She did’ I answered. ‘She said you will be at your friend’s house till Magrib.’
‘Was that all she told you?’ and I nodded to which he added ‘But I told her to tell you we were no longer going to the hospital.’
‘We were no longer going to hospital?’ I asked incredulously ‘why not?’
‘Because Mother sent word that there is nothing to worry about, that that kind of bump disappears with time.’ He said unperturbed.
‘Your mother sent this message without having seen the child? She never saw him to know how serious this is. How can you just agree to this? I thought you will try to convince her that it looked serious, that our son cries a lot when the place is touched and that everyone who had seen him had encouraged us to seek serious medical attention.’ I protested. But my husband was unmoved. I sat on the bed as soon as he left our room and began to cry. I cried my heart out wondering how my husband could go along with his mother’s wish when she hadn’t seen our son and was not in a position to diagnose his situation. It was not until a week later when my aunt, who was taking care of the baby, threatened to take him to hospital herself, that I finally prevailed on him to take us to the paediatrician. So you see compared to you, whose husband is on your side, my case was worse. Just learn to bear it with patience. One day it will all come to pass.’ Sabira advised.
‘And in my own case’ her sister Samiya said, ‘My mother- in- law always complains to him about the children and I and he swallows it hook, line and sinker. One school holiday we all went on a trip together. As far as we were concerned everything went well, there was no cause for anyone to complain. But the moment we returned, my husband called me aside and said that this will be the last time he will sponsor my children and I on any trip since we used the opportunity to make his mother miserable. I couldn’t believe what I heard, so I asked him how we managed to make her miserable and he said that she complained my children were gossiping about her in English and laughing at her. I told him that our children were well brought up and he knew it, so they will never laugh at their grandmother or speak English in front of her, but he wouldn’t listen. Do you know that like a joke, up to today we haven’t gone anywhere as a family again? It’s been several years now. So I agree with my sister that it is only when he listens to his mother’s every complaint that you are in trouble. For now you just have to stop crying and enjoy being a mother.’ Samiya concluded.
‘But is there no way out of this? I mean isn’t there anything we can do to lessen this mother and daughter-in-law friction that seems to cause so much heartache? In fact isn’t there a way to prevent it altogether?’ I asked.
‘I think there is Hajia Bint, but we can only start with our generation. So many of us have been victims of possessive and dictatorial mothers-in-law, but we are mothers of boys too. We must make sure we do not treat our daughters-in-law the way we were treated. We can start by coming together to counsel any of our friends whose son is going to get married to consider this girl like her own daughter. She should fear Almighty Allah in her dealings with the young lady and not begrudge her her son’s affection. She should treat this girl exactly the way she wants her own daughter to be treated and this includes calling her to order when the daughter-in-law goes wrong, rather than instigating her husband against her. If we can succeed in training our generation to be better mothers-in-law, maybe we can eradicate the friction once and for all.’ Sabira said.
‘Yes this is a good idea Sabira. And while you were talking you reminded me of a cartoon I once read somewhere. Two elderly women ran into each at a shop. One said to the other ‘How is your daughter?’ and the second one replied ‘Oh my daughter is doing fine. She got married to a wonderful man. He has been so good to me …’ and she went ahead and listed all the good things her son-in-law was doing for her. Next, the friend asked about her son and the second woman answered mournfully ‘My son is also married but unfortunately his wife has bewitched him so he does everything for her mother …’ and she went ahead and listed all the things she proudly said her son-in-law was doing for her, as the things her ‘bewitched’ son was doing for his in-laws. She wasn’t fair-minded enough to accept that her son was doing for others exactly what was being done to her because of her daughter. So if we can learn to be fair, we will certainly be better mothers-in-law than the generations before us.’ I urged.