“My governor! My governor!!”

“Governor Rochas Okorocha has brought government and governance to a great height of public nuisance and ridicule,” says Owerri-based Cyril Njoku. “His son-in-law, Uche Nwosu, is the Chief of Staff. His wife, Nkechi Rochas Okorocha, is the Chairman of Imo Amnesty Committee with a huge budget. His father-in-law and the current Minister of State for […]

“Governor Rochas Okorocha has brought government and governance to a great height of public nuisance and ridicule,” says Owerri-based Cyril Njoku. “His son-in-law, Uche Nwosu, is the Chief of Staff. His wife, Nkechi Rochas Okorocha, is the Chairman of Imo Amnesty Committee with a huge budget. His father-in-law and the current Minister of State for Education, Anthony Anwuka, was the former Secretary to Imo State Government ….”

Another Nigerian, an ‘outsider’, @SOrodele, weighed in via Twitter: “I guess it was Imo State Jesus saw when he said, ‘it is finished!’”

Everybody is jealous of Rochas Anayo Okorocha, the ever-grinning sculpture enthusiast who benevolently governs Imo State. Whenever he shouts “My people! My people!!” from the rostrum, the adoring citizens reply in unison, “My gover-nor! My gover-nor!!” He is more popular  than shawarma and certainly more loved than Santa Claus. 

His critics are confounded by his generosity. They say he is using their patrimony to build a private fiefdom and that all the acts of philanthropy credited to the ebullient governor are funded from the public till at the expense of workers’ salaries and pensioners’ entitlements. Such critics are to be pitied. Experts have predicted that current products of the free education system which Rochas introduced in Imo State will rise to become the thinkers of tomorrow, even if teachers’ salaries are not paid in six months. Aren’t teachers assured of rewards in heaven?

Many people cried foul when they heard that the governor’s sister, Mrs. Ogechi Ololo, who currently serves as Deputy Chief of Staff, had been appointed Commissioner for Happiness and Purpose Fulfilment (‘Purpose’, not ‘Couples’ as earlier advertised). They ask, what is the meaning of that? I will answer them. It means that the governor knows that there is a shortage of happiness in Imo and is determined to reverse the situation by unleashing his jolly and convivial sister on Imo people. This development is as significant as the million-dollar statue of the South African saint, Jacob Zuma, standing (minus the shower) ‘gidigba’ in Owerri courtesy of the governor. Banish your Rochasphobia!

Everyone is so enthralled by the appointment of Mrs Ololo that songs and poems are now being composed and performed in honour of the unmatchable creation of a Happiness Ministry. Here is one song composed by prize-winning poet, Ikeogu Oke:

RELOCATE TO OWERRI

(A Song for a New Commissioner)

… There, is a new Ministry

Run by Joy’s emissary

To end your misery.

Relocate to Owerri….

In case you’re one of the many ignorant critics of Governor Okorocha, let me inform you that the governor is only following the footsteps of more developed societies who similarly had to tackle peculiar problems. In 2014, the Danish government ran a “Do It For Denmark” campaign encouraging couples to procreate – which eventually had a positive effect on the birth rate. Today, the baby factory in Denmark is booming!

Similarly, nine months ago, Spain appointed a Minister for Sex to boost the low birth rate which has led to a rapidly declining population. In 2015, Spain reported a higher number of deaths than births. Statistics showed that Spanish women between 18-49 reportedly had an average of 1.3 children in 2015. To make matters worse, between 1977 and 2015, the number of childless couples tripled from 1.5 to 4.4 million! It  is now the historic duty of Minister Barreira to figure out how to encourage couples to copulate frequently and repopulate the country. 

If you still nurse any doubt about the wisdom in Okorocha’s establishment of a ministry of happiness and the appointment of his happy sister, check out the United Arab Emirate where Her Excellency, Sheika Ohood bint Khalfan Roumi serves as Minister of State for Happiness. “This is serious business for the government,” she said during a recent interview in Dubai. 

And Okorocha’s sister has replied her brother’s critics on Twitter, “I am truly surprised by the outbursts of young Nigerians on His Excellency; Dr Rochas Okorocha. If you don’t understand something, keep quite, read and research. Make good use of your senses”. Wiser words were never uttered in the heartland of Igboland!

If people in Dubai and the rest of the UAE deserve to be happy, why not the good people of Imo State? A little bird has whispered to me that in order to further meet the yearnings of Imolites and provide a crying shoulder for the state’s unpaid workers, pensioners and contractors, His Excellency has already finalised plans to create an already overdue Ministry of Sadness to complement its Happiness counterpart. 

I have heard antagonists say that the Rochas’ contraption is a complete scam tailored after what one cerebral Kenyan preacher identified as Six Stages of Social Deception – which begins with the Shocker stage, then progresses to the Outrage stage which glides on to the Discussion stage followed by the Tolerance stage, then the Acceptance stage and culminating in the Veneration stage. The Happiness matter is at Outrage stage now. It will eventually berth in Veneration. 

All of you who are shouting “Crucify him!” against the radiant governor today will soon sing, “Hosanna” to celebrate him and write poems to extol his happy sister.

PDP Chair

What does the crystal ball portend on Prince Secondus’ second coming as PDP Chair (this time substantive)? We shall sink our teeth into this issue in the coming weeks if there are no legal cobwebs.