My mother’s ram

‘Don’t be deceived by the exterior Hajiya’ my young office colleague answered from the passenger seat, ’these houses contain dark interiors that only those who live there know about.’ She added with a hint of sadness. ‘Really, you mean the architecture isn’t very good from the inside?’ i asked. ‘Who is talking about the architecture, […]

‘Don’t be deceived by the exterior Hajiya’ my young office colleague answered from the passenger seat, ’these houses contain dark interiors that only those who live there know about.’ She added with a hint of sadness.

‘Really, you mean the architecture isn’t very good from the inside?’ i asked.

‘Who is talking about the architecture, I am referring to the conditions of life inside them. Some of them harbour nothing but sadness and pain. I should know because my house in one such harbour.’ Hajara explained.

‘Haba Hajara, how can you say such negative things about your own beautiful family home?’ I cautioned.

‘Because that is the truth about my family home, only this morning we hit the roof so high with my husband that if I hadn’t been rushing to drop the kids at school, I would have packed out first.’ She revealed.

‘A’a, but what could have caused that? You two seem to be getting along so well.’ I replied.

‘That’s our public face Hajiya. But things haven’t been going well for a long time in this house.’ Hajara said. But by now we were directly at the front of her house so I had to say:

‘It’s ok Hajara we can have our discussion at the office tomorrow, you better go in to your husband and children.’ I urged.

‘No Hajiya, if you can spare a few minutes I can explain what is happening. My husband travelled this morning. I wanted us to settle a few issues before he travelled but we couldn’t. You see, in the seven years we’ve been married, he had never bought a Sallah ram for my mother. Year in year out he will buy for his own mother, but never for my mum. And they are both widows. This year I asked him directly and he said it wasn’t his duty. May be it’s not really his duty but he can afford it. What is the essence of living together if he can’t extend any courtesy to my people? Today, I gave him a piece of my mind over it. Knowing that he will soon be travelling I insisted that he buys the ram before he goes but he insisted that he will not and that if I felt so strongly about it then I should buy it myself. Imagine Hajiya, despite his earnings I have to buy my mother a ram? Who will believe that while living in a house like this there is anything I ask for that I don’t get? But that is the unfortunate fact.’ She concluded.

‘Do you have an elder brother?’ I asked.

‘Yes I do. But he needs help with his own family upkeep. He is not as comfortable as my husband, being a low-ranking civil servant.’ Hajara explained.

‘You see your husband’s logic is that having another man in your branch of the family relieves him of having to take over your mother’s responsibility. You can encourage him to help every once in a while but don’t insist that he should treat your mother exactly as he treats his. She is not his responsibility, she is yours. What you ought to do is to be encouraging your own brother to join hands with you and take care of your mum. If you get him used to thinking he can get away with taking care of only his own wife and children while leaving your mother to you, he will never do what is his God-given duty. In Islam, your widowed mother is his responsibility, first and foremost. And so is every other female in the family who is either unmarried divorced or widowed. But since it is obvious that you are much better off than him, always consult him in matters that affect the family, then urge him to contribute what he can while you can help him with the rest. That way he still gets to fulfil his obligations without too much stress.’ I advised.

‘I can try that Hajiya but we are talking about a man who can buy and distribute up to ten extra rams and then claim that he cannot add just one for his mother-in-law. And I am supposed to be his only wife. What does that prove?’ she demanded.

‘Well you didn’t tell me gives out up to ten, that’s certainly unfair. I thought you said he was only buying for his mother?’ I asked.

‘Yes, at the beginning he will buy his ram, mine and his mother’s. Then he began to add his sisters, aunties, uncles and even some relatively poorer cousins on the list. Today that list contains no less than ten people, yet my mother didn’t qualify. That is my grouse with the whole thing Hajiya Bint, why should he begrudge my mother one miserable ram a year?’ She demanded.

‘I think it still boils down to what I said. May be all these people he buys for are actually not as comfortable as your mother and they are his direct dependants. Yes it would be nice of him to extend the courtesy but if he is constrained by any circumstances, you people should rise to the occasion and not impose the task on him.’ I urged.

‘What do you mean constrained by circumstances? My husband is not suffering any financial constraints. In the last there years God has blessed his efforts, he just doesn’t want to extend God’s blessings to my own mother. As if any mother is better than the other.’ She added with a hiss.

‘I think you have to mind your language too Hajara. Your tongue isn’t really isn’t helping matters. If like I said your husband really believes that since you have an elder brother he shouldn’t be saddled with your mother’s responsibility, one way to get him to help is to be gentle and conciliatory. But by your own admission you have ‘raised the roof this morning’. ‘You have given him a piece of your mind’ etc. How do you get a man to help if you are commanding him to do so? No, you have to mind your manners and be more respectful. Who knows, maybe that’s the only reason your mother isn’t on that list, the way you make your demands. Remember this and also remember that if you don’t get your brother used to doing what is right because he is poor, by the time he is rich he will not learn to start doing what was being done by you. Who said he will remain a low-earning civil servant forever? Please make him alive to his responsibilities right now, then help him in any way you can.’ I advised.

Ok Hajiya. I will try’ Hajara said, opening the car door to let herself out. ‘Thanks very much for the lift. My car will only return from service tomorrow. Good night.’ She added.

‘Good night, ma’assalam.’ I responded, not quite sure whether she looked angry or just tired. But I couldn’t care less, I said to myself. She needed to be told the truth about her foul tongue.