My septuagenarian is better than your septuagenarian

Darling Buhari,  This matter has been bothering me a lot. You know how they say that when your neighbour’s beard is on fire you pour water on yours, just in case? I see people spreading criticism about Mr Atiku who has just declared his intention to govern Nigeria in 2019 when he will be in […]

Darling Buhari, 

This matter has been bothering me a lot. You know how they say that when your neighbour’s beard is on fire you pour water on yours, just in case? I see people spreading criticism about Mr Atiku who has just declared his intention to govern Nigeria in 2019 when he will be in his early 70s. People are using his age as a reason why they should not support him. Initially, I went along with it saying, yes, why should we bring a man in his 70s and think that this is the person who will give us change? Why should a man who in any other workplace would be retiring to play with his grandchildren and take up gardening and board games be paraded as the hope of Nigeria? I thought this until I remembered that my darling bubu, my one and only is also in his 70s. Then I stopped thinking of how we can counter this message, which in the long run also hurts you as a candidate. In fact, you are, according to official records almost 4 years older than him. So I have come up with a plan. Since this is going to be a race of septuagenarians, one has to find out which septuagenarian is better. Of course my darling, you are the older and better septuagenarian — I have no doubts about this but there are 170 million Nigerians to convince. 

So I say this to Mr Atiku’s supporters: MY SEPTUAGENARIAN IS BETTER THAN YOUR SEPTUAGENARIAN. Let me list the reasons why. 

My septuagenarian wears white. Do people know how hard it is to maintain white? Do they know the determination, the will, the dedication it takes to go through life wearing white? Surely only people pure of heart can do this. People for example whose hands are used to touching people inappropriately can’t do this because they will find that that excessive contact will make their clothes dirty. My septuagenarian does not do this, so is able to stay white and pure. His heart is pure. 

My septuagenarian loves animals. And in 2019 we need a man who can travel internationally and say he loves animals. White people especially love this. They will hear that our septuagenarian president is such a lover of animals he has 150 of them. The American presidents typically have one or two dogs. The office of the Prime Minister of the UK has one cat called Larry. My septuagenarian has 150 cows and counting. Too many to name. Think of all the bad presidents we have recently. Trump, for example, refused to keep any dogs. Because it is hard for him to take anyone but himself seriously. Trust me, if Trump had 150 cows he would be a much nicer person. Also, people like to say how Mr Atiku has been running all these businesses and so will be good with the economy blah blah blah. A living animal is worth more than a thousand inanimate businesses. 

My septuagenarian has one wife. My darling septuagenarian has not succumbed to greed. He knows his limits and what he can handle. We don’t want a president who will win elections then start eyeing another country. Before you know it, the man will be president of two countries or will drag us into a war trying to annex a nearby country. We need a man who does not feel the need to keep more than one wife. 

My septuagenarian is slim. Look, I know that some people become fat because of illnesses or genetic conditions. I am not referring to those people. I am just saying that a man who has spent more than 70 years on this earth and has not accumulated fat around his belly is a man than can be trusted to run a country as complex as Nigeria. If he can control what goes into his mouth, then it will be easier to control what goes into his pocket.  My darling septuagenarian is exemplary in this regard. I see you dear Buhari, your flat stomach and I think there is no better way of showing solidarity with the poor masses. They see you and they think, here is a man who is like us, who does not consume large amounts of food and drink, who is keenly aware of the suffering of his people and who suffers with them. 

I could go on and on. But an article is enough for the wise. Some septuagenarians are better than others. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. Release him, his wife and his people. I know you want to. Hugs. 

Also darling, can we talk about this police situation? Especially SARS? I saw on Al-Jazeera and Twitter how people were talking about the extrajudicial killings, the torture, the extortion and the abuse by the police. Can we fix the police before 2019?

Yours until 2023 and forever

Elnathan John