Naija economy dey kampe

We are sick and tired of reading the prognostications of non-members of the team on our robust economy and by extension, our lives. These desktop critics fill the empty spaces that lazy editors need to sell their publications and also heat up the polity. For those who don’t know what that means, they can ask […]

We are sick and tired of reading the prognostications of non-members of the team on our robust economy and by extension, our lives. These desktop critics fill the empty spaces that lazy editors need to sell their publications and also heat up the polity. For those who don’t know what that means, they can ask Yokosuna or Apati. Better still they can wait for the next presidential media chat to hear from the horse’s mouth.
As the week was ending without another plane crash, these people were seeking to foul the mournful mood of the presidency with their insinuations. President Jones has assured that corruption is overhyped, but these chose not to believe him. They went into the archives and pulled up buried corruption cases. They exhumed the bones of the Malabu saga. Dan Etete, a loyal citizen of this country was sentenced in absentia by a French judge who neither speaks either English, pidgin or Ijaw. If President Jones had failed to release the $1.1 billion to help a kinsman, who would have stopped a poor guy whose pets are lions from being relegated to the level of dog-whisperers? In other climes, the presi-dent deserves an award for redeeming the faltering image of a compatriot who also happens to be a party sympathizer.
Not done with that, they found the carcass of a N300 billion fraud in NNPC. The problem I have with NNPC accusations is that those who make them forget to look at the optical pedigree of the Petroleum Minister. Just because some small money was not in the public registers is no guarantee that it is missing. It could have been diverted into a special account known only to exclusive members of a caucus. It could have been siphoned or lent to a needy brother nation. In fact it could have been saved in somebody’s account until it yields the appropriate interest before returning to its natural home in the CBN.
Moghalu, the deputy governor of the Apex bank (not to be confused with the 2A exercise book hitherto manufactured in the defunct Jebba Paper Mill) joined the group. He vows the economy is not in good health. But the doctor who constantly puts the stethoscope on the Naija economy says the Naija economy is running faster than Usain Bolt. Indeed, she believes that Jacob Zuma has more reason to worry about paying his bills than Oga Jonah.
I choose to believe her. For one, not once during this debate had the gele or dankwali, which she delicately balances on her forehead, fallen. We have known doctors to have panic attacks in operating theatres, but this one is in stable form. That for three months, states have not received their share from the federal accounts is no cause for control, Dr Economics says everything is under alarm. It may be that they finally discovered that governors share the money in Government Lodge Asokoro, Wuse II or Maitama that the tap was closed – for now. In that case, it is safe to conclude that government is looking at finally bringing the executhief governors to book. It could also mean that they are building a foul-proof system to prevent future pilferage of people’s money.
Beyond these, Dr Jones has assured us that those who are calling Naija bankrupt have been listening to Eedris Abdulkareem’s Naijeriya Jagajaga in gross violation of the command from the Wizard of Otta. Mr President swore by his mother’s philanthropy that foreigners account for 88% of the investments in Naija today. This corroborates Nuhu Ribadu’s assertion that Abuja Airport has the largest private planes. By the last time, there was Donald Trump’s jet overflying his investments here. Michael Pieper’s was there along with that of Margarita Louis-Dreyfus.  Even stingy Warren Buffet flew in a chartered one.
Unfortunately, the goggle of scepticism is so dark here people can’t see the obvious. What more, those who want Stella Oduah sacked because a few ripe planes dropped in the blizzard may not see this. The fact that some people could not lay their hands on her to show their virility makes them jealous enough to call for her sack. No apologies to Femi Fani-Kayode, the libidinous and by far the luckiest aviation minister in five decades.
Finally, to buttress the truth that Naija economy dey kampe, the World Bank has released figures showing that diaspora Naija citizens would remit $21 billion home this year. This is double the figure for 2011. Sure, these unpatriotic elements may refuse to compete with foreign millionaire investors; they are likely to hide it in our robust banks. Trouble is, a Kano prince manages CBN.
He may not release the money to an Ijaw fisherman hiding in a rock. I presume he might be waiting for when an Emir becomes president. We can’t trust northerners who think they are born to rule and are fast discovering that they may have been here to lose.