Nigeria, an uncelebrated paradise

I know that the enemies of Nigeria might not agree, but the fact remains that we have the loveliest country in the universe. Please do not tell Donald Trump. Let him think we are a shithole nation. We are privileged because we have religion. That is why Rwandans could never be expected to make progress in […]

I know that the enemies of Nigeria might not agree, but the fact remains that we have the loveliest country in the universe. Please do not tell Donald Trump. Let him think we are a shithole nation. We are privileged because we have religion.

That is why Rwandans could never be expected to make progress in this life. Forget about the hype by the imperial media that Rwanda is an African paradise. Paul Kagame has sealed the coffin for the destruction of his own empire. A week ago, Kagame sealed the doors of nearly 5,000 religious houses for allegedly fouling his rule on who could lead service and how a religious body is run. A Naija preacher would say – who does that and prosper?

If ever Kagame wants to run again, he should forget it, the gates of victory are finally closed against him. No politician ever makes it outside the influence of upper powers. Ask a politician, winners are determined at the spiritual realm before earthly transformation into electoral landslides. Those who miss that link would never make it.

Nigeria does nothing without dragging God into it. The ruining party’s winning formula at the last election was not based on programmes and policies, but the most potent weapon of all – the Muslim-Muslim ticket.

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It is sadly true that some of the nations that exported the religious concept into our lives have declared religious bankruptcy and leased famous worship houses to the gods of debauchery and the ripple effects are obvious – development without godliness and a takeover of their nations by migrants.

Lately, the great grandchildren of evangelists are trying to recover their countries from these crazy immigrants. We know how they can do this without shedding innocent blood – go back to religion, the payment of tithes and offerings. One man of God proudly proclaimed that life is divinely tight for those who refuse to pay their tithes. The gospel of mammon has brought unquestioned wealth to those who preach and live it. Holiness is now in the hands of the beholder.

Mr Lugard must have been in the spirit when he was dispatched to Niger-area to faithfully lower the Union Jack. He instituted a national anthem with God copiously inscribed into it that after abandoning for decades, we have returned to. Progress is coming people – ask Bola Ahmed Tinubu.

Our national currency proudly launches an appeal to God proclaiming the preeminence of faith over industry. Before every official meeting, we reserve the highest invisible seat to the unseen God. That includes meetings where ignoble things like pilfering the national cake are to be discussed.

What we lack in industry, we have in abundance in religion. On Sundays, the beginning of the Roman week, we start the day disturbing the fragile peace of our neighbours with loudspeakers proclaiming God over everything or urging him to kill our enemies. Unhappy neighbours have no control. They are either unbelievers waiting to be converted or they are members of the other religion that makes loud proclamation five times a day reminding us to worship God.

Our church members ensure that as the Lord grants them increase, they block the highways, a convenient way to punish the godless for their sins and nudge them to the road to righteousness. Service over, these saints quickly slip back into their sinful earthly elements cursing, swearing and cutting members off the road in demonstration of piety. At the close of the workweek on Fridays, the other faithful return the favour.

With industries out of the way, private media are powered by the fuel of religious commercials. Peddlers of unverified and unverifiable miracle services market their services on these stations. In the process, they even get away with heresies. Some of them have miracle services of their own during which they promise children to the barren, healing to the infirmed, the breaking of generational curses, protection from evil and employment for the jobless all these a prelude to eternal bliss in the hereafter.

It is sad that in this ocean of religious fervency, some people still find time to complain about how Nigeria is not working. On the contrary, I believe Nigeria is working way too well. According to our religious leaders, anything left in the hands of God always prospers. This is visible in everything Nigerian.

The unemployed do not point accusing fingers at the politicians chosen at the endorsement of priests, they troop into these services praying for miracle jobs, especially ones for which they are least qualified – the grace of God does not examine resume or how else do idiots rule over the wise and illiterates over the educated? Those lucky to have a job but desire promotion do not increase productivity or acquire suitable skills – who skills and productivity help? They sow their salaries for miracle promotion while helping God to achieve it bribing their way through. Then pronto, they have a testimony.

Those in Aso Rock and the armed robbery zone reject conjectures that Nigeria is a failed state. The president’s convoy is as impregnable as those of governors or ministers. Legislators have a shield that cannot be penetrated. When bandits and insurgents attack the rest of society, they respond appropriately with enchanting phrases and thanksgiving in all situations.

In a very poignant social media post now going viral, the people of Gobirawa, took matters of security into their own hands. They swooped on adjoining forests chanting Allahu Akbar, insulating their community against bandits. Those bandits would never return to their hiding places when the people return to their homes because angels with flaming artillery are now on guard.

When a Nigerian travels, he knows he is taking a serious risk, so he fortifies himself with the chants prescribed by his faith to make him and the vehicle he is traveling in invincible to bandits. If a friend or neighbour is attacked, they must have failed the tenets of their faith.

When a Nigerian goes to sleep, they do so with half their eyes open. The other half is fixed towards heaven where those who stole his security votes invested their loot. Nigeria’s collapsed health care system is not from the corruption that eats up the system, but the antics of invincible witches and wizards. To avoid that, the faithful fortify themselves with vigil against sickness.

Our collapsed education system fortifies the faithful with divine provisions to pay the exorbitant fees charged by private shylocks running fake foreign syllabi. One day soon, to the utter disgrace of the unfaithful, the naira would beat the dollar just like our own Israel Adesanya once humiliated Kelvin Gastelum. Those who doubt this prediction should pray to be alive to see it, their doubt could disqualify them.

Now, I don’t know too many nations where those who are the cause of insecurity, underdevelopment and lack of vision urge their victims to pray. Nor do I know too many societies that pay their leaders to display wanton opulence while they lift up their hands in prayers for crumbs. This has been the lot of Nigerians and they will die preserving it than change it and lose their faith.