NIGERIA: TIME FOR ANOTHER BREAK

THE NEW GET OLD: The Finance Minister was at the House Thursday. She reminded us that she has been here before. Came, saw, left. But now here for good. But haven’t we heard such in the past? Hope she won’t be our new shirt as in this Indonesian joke: “Si Kabayan was sitting outside the […]

THE NEW GET OLD: The Finance Minister was at the House Thursday. She reminded us that she has been here before. Came, saw, left. But now here for good. But haven’t we heard such in the past? Hope she won’t be our new shirt as in this Indonesian joke: “Si Kabayan was sitting outside the house and crying. A friend saw him and asked, ‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Because I just got a new shirt,’ he replied. ‘But that is good news. Why does it make you cry?’ the friend asked. Si Kabayan responded, ‘Because it will get old.’” (119/79: Normal, a Nigerian rarity!)

AS ABAJI AS LONDON: A certain Kabiru Sokoto, said to be from Borno, got missing in Abaji, which is on the way to Lokoja. Now wanted for N50m. Perhaps he was as Voltaire in this French joke: “Voltaire was walking down the street in London one day, in an era when Englishmen really hated the French. A group of Englishmen realised who he was, and angrily yelled, ‘Hang the Frenchman!’ Voltaire responded, ‘Englishmen! You want to kill me because I am a Frenchman? Am I not already punished enough in not being an Englishman?’ The Englishmen were so flattered by this, that not only did they refrain from attacking him, they even cheered him and escorted him to where he was going.’” (129/89: Dangerous!)

THE COLOURS OF CORRUPTION: Nigerian corruption comes in many colours. Remember Siemens, Power Probe, collapsed banks, former governors? All ‘collapsed’? Colourful: “Two men were arguing about what colour a chameleon is. One said, ‘It is brown. I saw it on a tree a week ago.’ The other replied, ‘No. I saw it on a leaf yesterday, and it was green.’ As they debated, a third man overheard them and interjected, ‘I caught chameleon yesterday and put it in this white box. And I am sure that it is black. Take a look.’ So the man opened his white box, and all three were dismayed to see that the chameleon was white! As they stared at it, the chameleon remarked, ‘Should you really hold to your opinions so tightly? All three of you were right, and all three of you were wrong. It is just that you were looking at the situation from different perspectives.’”  (139/99: Deadly, a Nigerian ‘normal’!)

THEY KEEP ESCAPING PUNISHMENT: The international community says in Nigeria, corruption is not a serious crime. The corrupt are guilty only until they get bailed. And then they are free, much like the bat in this Aesop Fable: “A bat fell to the ground and was caught by a weasel. The bat pleaded to be spared his life, but the weasel refused, saying that he was by nature the enemy of all birds. The bat then remarked, ‘I’m a mouse, not a bird.’ Upon hearing this, the weasel let him go. Shortly afterwards, the bat was caught by another weasel. Once again he entreated the weasel not to eat him, but the weasel said that he had a special hostility to mice. The bat said, ‘No, I’m not a mouse, I’m a bird.’ And thus the bat escaped again.” (149/119: Still around?)

HOW LOOT GETS ‘SACKED’: You wonder? They, too, are wondering. Much like our Mullah: “Nasruddin snuck into someone’s garden and began putting vegetable in his sack. The owner saw him and shouted, ‘What are you doing in my garden?’ ’The wind blew me here,’ Nasruddin confidently responded. That sounds like bull to me,’ was the reply, ‘but let’s assume that the wind did blow you here. Now then, how can you explain how those vegetables were pulled out from my garden? ‘Oh, that’s simple,’ Nasruddin explained. ‘I had to grab them to stop myself from being thrown any further by the wind.’ ‘Well,’ the man continued, ‘then tell me this—how did the vegetables get in your sack?’ ‘You know what,’ Nasruddin said, ‘I was just standing here and wondering that same thing myself!’” (169/129: You cheat! Cheat even death?)

NOW, FOR DOUBLE WORK: EFCC gets new Chairman. Hope he doesn’t get ‘killed’ like the former rooster: “A widow who was fond of cleaning had two little maidens to wait on her. She was in the habit of waking them early in the morning, when the rooster began crowing. The maidens, aggravated by such excessive labour, decided to kill the rooster that roused their mistress so early. When they had done this, they found that they had only prepared for themselves greater troubles, for their mistress, no longer hearing the hour from the rooster, woke them up to their work in the middle of the night.” (179/150: Error reading!)

THINK WE ARE STUPID?: Yes, they do. They think we are all wawaye, mumus: “A donkey noticed a wolf was about to pounce on him. The donkey began limping, and calmly announced, “Wolf, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I have just stepped on a sharp thorn, and if you eat me, the thorn will cut up your throat. Let me lift up my hoof first, and then you can pull out the thorn before you eat me.” The wolf was very surprised at the donkey’s behaviour. He thought, “This donkey is really stupid. He should be running for his life right now, but instead, he is letting me eat him. And he is even making sure that I don’t get cut by the thorn in his foot. What an idiot!’ The donkey lifted his hoof in the air, and the wolf stood behind him and searched for the thorn. Then all of a sudden, the donkey gave a powerful kick to the wolf’s head, sending him sprawling several feet in the air and falling on his back. As the donkey ran away, the hurt wolf thought to himself, ‘That donkey is definitely not as stupid as I thought!’”

Now, then, don’t they all deserve a kick to the head and other parts? That should bring our blood pressure down to 120/80 (phew!). And make those Single Windows double! For Fresh Air!