Nigerian tailor victims support bill

Dearest Buhari, So, while you are recovering (by the way, thanks for that caring voice note you sent me for Sallah, you rock!) I have decided to be proactive and help you with governance. I have decided to sponsor bills on your behalf. I will start with a nationwide problem that needs to be tackled. […]

Dearest Buhari,

So, while you are recovering (by the way, thanks for that caring voice note you sent me for Sallah, you rock!) I have decided to be proactive and help you with governance. I have decided to sponsor bills on your behalf. I will start with a nationwide problem that needs to be tackled. Treacherous tailors who ruin our events. Please find below for your perusal. 

A bill for an Act to cater to the million of traumatised victims of tardy Nigerian tailors, to establish for a Tailor Crimes Commission, Tailors Victims Support Commission and the Tailors Victims Support fund, to criminalise and provide punishment for tardiness by tailors and matters related thereto

1.   Interpretation

In this Bill, unless the context otherwise requires-

Tailor means any individual engaged in the production of any type of apparel for human use irrespective of whatever cool appellation they may give themselves, including but not limited to pretentious titles like “seamstress”, “dressmaker”, “fashion designer”. 

     Tardiness means everything from non delivery of apparel given for production or delivery of said apparel at anytime after the agreed time and date for such production.

2. Establishment of Tailor Crimes Commission 

(1) There is a need to hereby establish a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Crimes Commission (hereinafter referred to as “the crimes commission”)

The crimes commission shall-

(a) Be responsible for all matters affecting crimes by tailors in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;

 (b) monitor and supervise Nigerian tailors in relation to international tailoring standards and advise Government thereon;

 (c) prosecute, arrest and investigate tailors who cause heartache and sorrow to innocent Nigerians whose only crime was engaging a Nigerian tailor;

 (d) enlighten and inform the public on matters relating to their rights with regard to tailors;

 (e) maintain an effective data bank on tailors and their crimes and reward tailors who are crime free.

 (f) be responsible for such other matters as relate to tailors in Nigeria as the Minister (for Internal Affairs) may, from time to time, direct.

3. Tailor crimes 

(1)  A person commits a Tailor crime if

(a)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric, for the production of any apparel for human use fails to produce such apparel completely

(b)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric, for the production of any apparel for human use fails to deliver such apparel to the owner at or before the agreed time for delivery. 

(c)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric, for the production of any apparel for human use fails to produce the apparel according to the agreed specifications, making it either too small or too large or too different from the sample or totally unwearable or missing major appurtenances including but not limited to buttons or sequins or functional zippers, or button holes.

(2) A person who commits a Tailor crime shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years including a fine covering the cost of a new apparel.

(3) The following shall not be acceptable defences to Tailor crimes 

a. “I get Catarrh”

b. “I no well” when said excuse is not accompanied by doctors report or evidence of total physical incapacity.

c. Wedding

d. Wedding of one’s relatives

e. Death of one’s great-grandmother who had died before

f. “No light”

g. “I no find landing for your cloth”

h. Anybody’s second burial 

i. “My pikin no well” except when accompanied by evidence. 

4.  The offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes

(1)  A person commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes when he or she commits Tailor Crimes more than once against the same person within a period of two months or commits more than one Tailor Crime against the same person, for example, being tardy and  ruining the apparel. 

(2)  A person who commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 8 years including a lifetime ban from being a tailor. 

5.  Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Commission 

(1) There is hereby a need to establish a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims  Support Commission (hereinafter referred to as “the support commission”)

The support commission shall-

(a) Be responsible for the emotional support of all victims of Tailor Crimes in Nigeria as provided for in this Act; 

(b) respond to all emergencies relating to Nigerian tailors including but not limited to providing trauma counselling to victims whose spirits have been broken because a Nigerian tailor ruined their wedding, party, event, funeral, job interview, date, award ceremony among others; 

(c) holding town hall meetings to sensitise Nigerians on the dangers of Tailor Crimes; 

(d) coordinate meetings and create local chapters of victim support groups online and offline;

6.  Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Fund 

(1) There is need to hereby establish a fund to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims  Support Fund (hereinafter referred to as “the fund”)

The fund shall-

a. consist of monthly tax from all tailors in Nigeria whether or not they have committed Tailor Crimes.

b. Be used to support victims of Nigerian tailors and run the support commission in general

c. Be used to pay for trauma treatment and new fabrics in compensation for Tailor Crimes.