Why isn’t she the wife? (II)

Barira’s narration continues ‘And I sat here after he (the driver) left, devastated and wondering what to do next. I was hurt and disappointed that he (my husband) could descend to the point of adultery. I mean what else does it mean when a man keeps a mistress? So I kept wondering what step to […]

Barira’s narration continues
‘And I sat here after he (the driver) left, devastated and wondering what to do next. I was hurt and disappointed that he (my husband) could descend to the point of adultery. I mean what else does it mean when a man keeps a mistress? So I kept wondering what step to take ever since. I knew I couldn’t host you people knowing what turmoil my mind was in. And I also needed to know what to do about my marriage which I now know is ruined.’ She concluded.
‘Don’t say that Barira. Your marriage isn’t ruined as long as you haven’t spoken to your husband. You have to wait and talk to him.’ I advised.
‘Well that was my initial decision. But before I called to tell you what was happening, I received a call from my older cousin Jummai. I was already confused and heartbroken so I poured my heart out to her.
Jummai told me to forget about talking to my husband because it won’t do us any good.’ She explained.
‘And why would Jummai think discussing this unfortunate discovery won’t do you any good?’ I asked.
‘Well, at first she asked me whether this was the first time I heard about my husband and another woman. I told her yes, it’s the very first time. So she said I was lucky it took me twelve years to know what men were really like. That she wanted me to know she learnt about her husband’s involvement with other women even before her marriage was twelve months old.
So after congratulating myself on my good fortune, she would also like me to know that no matter how many women he keeps out there, I am still the winner because I am the wife. Jummai then asked whether I remembered the character Sue Ellen, in that American soap opera of 80s, Dallas. I told her that I was too young to remember the characters, but I do remember the time it was being shown on NTA network service. She now told me the story of Sue Ellen’s encounter with her husband’s mistress, while walking on a corridor, in one episode of the series. Jummai recalled that Sue Ellen looked at JR’s mistress and said: ‘The mistress thinks she is smarter than the wife, yet if she is so smart, why isn’t she the wife?’ And with that she walked away.
Jummai now thinks I should adopt Sue Ellen’s philosophy of life and forget about the lady known in my husband’s office as Madam 2. Her theory is that if that woman was so important in Jibo’s life, she would have become his wife; especially after five years of being ‘the other woman’.  With this bit of womanly wisdom, Jummai counseled me not to say a word to him but allow him to suffer his guilt in silence.
She warned that if I were to confront him, he will surely be ready to defend his position or be emboldened enough to say he is planning to marry her. And what could I say against that knowing that he is within his rights to have more than one wife? Jummai reasoned. Needless to say, she has got me confused ever since.’ Barira concluded.
‘Well she may be right in her own way but I don’t agree with her. I think confronting your husband is the best thing to do. First of all it will enable you to know for sure if this woman is his mistress.
Once you establish that, you know for sure that you are dealing with a case of adultery; a sin in the eyes of God and a betrayal and health hazard for you.
The next thing is to know say you won’t have it, you can’t continue living with him while he continues to live a life of sin. If he seems nonchalant about your protest then take the next step by reporting his transgression to your elders. It should be a respected elder from both your side and his. You must let them know the problem and seek their intervention on it. But if you are lucky and he said he will end the relationship and repent for his sin, then accept that and give him another chance.
But if Jummai’s predictions turn out to be true and he announces that he plans to marry her, remind him that after living in sin for five years, they must sincerely repent and also observe the three months cleansing period before any lawful marriage will be possible between them. You know the cleansing period is that they keep away from illicit intercourse through three consecutive menstrual circles to ensure that there is no pregnancy involved. And it is only after that and a serious dose of repentance that they should go ahead to marry.’
I advised.
‘Believe me, this is a tall order Bint.’ Barira said, shaking her head. ‘Here I am burning with rage over his betrayal and transgression and you expect me to be calm enough to prescribe all that to him? No Bint. If I were to confront him, I will call him every dirty name under the stars and then ask for a divorce.’ She resolved.
‘Then be sure that you are handing him to Madam 2 on a silver platter.
Yes, unless she has other men, be sure that she only stuck with him all these years because she was waiting to be made a wife. Now once you walk away, he will fall back on her, even if he will seek you out later, maybe because of your three children. By then it will surely be too late to turn back the hands of the clock. So, as painful as it is to accept, keep a level head and talk to him in a civilized manner.
Otherwise, take Jummai’s advice and look the other way. Keep congratulating yourself that she isn’t yet the wife, and be sure you will be his accomplice for accepting to let him live a sinful life, and you can’t be sure what health hazards you will be exposing yourself to, by tolerating his wild ways.’ I warned.
‘I suppose you are right, Bint. I will pray hard before he returns so that I can be calm when I confront him. I have never known anything so painful in my life before. I just hope we can resolve this fast, one way or the other. Thanks for your advice Bint. May Allah reward you.’
‘You are welcome Barira and I wish you the best in dealing with this problem.’ I said, rising to my feet to hug her.