Occupy Movement Under President Jonathan’s Rug
Parry Osayande Committee Report: What do you mean come on in? Who even made you boss over us? You are always admitting new tenants under this rug without consultation, without due process. Energy Sector Probe Report: My sentiments exactly! Why should we accept tenants indiscriminately under this rug? No breathing space. In my section, I […]
Parry Osayande Committee Report: What do you mean come on in? Who even made you boss over us? You are always admitting new tenants under this rug without consultation, without due process.
Energy Sector Probe Report: My sentiments exactly! Why should we accept tenants indiscriminately under this rug? No breathing space. In my section, I have almost two dozen committee reports squatting with me in a room meant for two! Are we a university hostel here or what?
Pension Probe Report: Abi o. I wonder why Uwais Committee Report behaves like our landlord under this rug. There should be broad consultations with those of us who have been here so long we have become elder statesmen. Just imagine our esteemed Papa, the Gulf War Oil Windfall Probe Report, an elder who has been resident under this rug since 1992, is it fair to just dump new tenants on him?
Halliburton Probe Report: I think we need a Sovereign National Conference to resolve our tenancy disputes. We need to re-negotiate how we plan to live together under this rug.
Siemens Probe Report: I second that motion. In fact, we need an Occupy movement under this rug to check the excesses of Uwais Committee Report.
Uwais Committee Report: You see why we are never able to make any progress under this carpet. Somebody knocks at the door, I asked him to come in, and you guys are screaming blue murder without even waiting to find out who our guest is! May we at least find out who is knocking?
Pension Probe Report: Okay, let’s see. Who is it there?
Voice from outside: Na me.
Pension Probe Report: Who is na me? Is that the name your father gave you?
Voice from Outside: President Jonathan sent me here. He said I should join you and you will find bed space for me.
Pension Probe Report: So, your name is President Jonathan sent me here? And what is so special about who sent you here anyway? He sent most of us here. Those he did not sent here are the ones he inherited from his predecessors but he has been magnanimous enough to extend their stay here indefinitely. One way or the other, we all owe our stay here to President Jonathan. So tell us your name jare.
Voice from Outside: Okay, my name is Ribadu Committee Report.
All: Now you are talking. At least we now know who you are. Congrats. You are our junior brother. You still smell of fresh ink because you just left the printer. We can ‘hear’ that smell from here. We all smelled fresh like that before our prolonged sojourn under this rug did things to us. You may come in.
Ribadu Committee Report: Thanks guys. Before I come in, I want to know how long I will stay here with you guys. President Jonathan did not tell me. He just directed me to come here.
All: Has he set up the committee that will study you and look into you?
Ribadu Committee Report: No
All: Has he set up the committee that will write a white paper on the report of the committee that will study you?
Ribadu Committee Report: No
All: (General laughter): And you are asking how long you’ll stay here? These children of nowadays! Always in a hurry. Come in jare. The two committees he will set up down the road to look into you will still meet you here. You better come in and start counting your years here.
Ribadu Committee Report: In that case, I don’t want to stay here. I will go to President Jonathan and ask for an alternative accommodation arrangement.
Uwais Committee Report: Where would you rather stay, if I may ask?
Ribadu Committee Report: Inside Farouk Lawan’s cap. I hear life is jolly there. I prefer to stay there if I am going to be left to rot away.