Of presidential jets and sundry matters

Beware of the economic jargons of non-state economists. This nation, under the disabled leadership of a Naija-Delta shon-of-the-shoil, President Jones has only one problem – how to spend its oil money. The other day, Uduaghan was misquoted as saying that oil theft has reduced drastically. Apparently, he missed the memo. According to Mujahid Asari Dokubo, […]

Beware of the economic jargons of non-state economists. This nation, under the disabled leadership of a Naija-Delta shon-of-the-shoil, President Jones has only one problem – how to spend its oil money. The other day, Uduaghan was misquoted as saying that oil theft has reduced drastically. Apparently, he missed the memo. According to Mujahid Asari Dokubo, you cannot steal what belongs to you. Since the swearing in of a Naija-Deltan as president, the kingdom of oil suffereth brigandage and the brigands not only taketh it by force; they spendeth its proceeds with impunity.
So, what’s wrong with a N1.6 billion down payment for the eleventh presidential jet? Aren’t we ashamed that an airline, owned by one individual has more planes than the presidential fleet? Where are these people’s sense of patriotism and respect for rulership? Mr President was prudent enough not to spend this year’s entire oil earnings on that jet; he deserves our sympathy.
We should be ashamed to compare our nation with some poverty-stricken nation south of the Sahara which sold its single plane because it cannot buy spare parts. Just look at the statistics, Mr. President hopes to create 1.6 million new jobs this year alone, there is a correlation between the naira value of the deposit and the number of jobs to be created. If the Irrational Assembly disfigures the provision, it should expect fewer jobs in 2014.
Besides; this, I under-stand is no ordinary jet. Once airborne, this plane can light up the entire Naija landscape in corners where electricity is an illusion and electric poles have been reduced to clotheslines. This plane’s emission fertilizes the land and grows incredibly organic crops, which reduces our dependence on foreign rice. The plane’s radar detects potholes on any federal road and immediately fixes them. It detects the hideouts of armed robbers, Boko Haram and other forms of insurgency and deletes them.
Blessed are the sick who either see it fly or hear its jet noise because they no longer need drugs or surgery – they are cured of their ailments. Think of the trouble of cooking and eating – well the jet can identify empty stomachs and fills it of food need for at least one month eliminating the need to visit the toilet. If only reporters do their investigations instead of being spoon-fed by the opposition, they would understand that this plane eradicates polio, kwashiorkor and rigs elections.
It should be a national shame to see your president subjected to insecticide spra-ying on commercial flights, not to talk of sharing flights with the unwashed masses decked in the trademark fedora with gold chain dang-ling across his chest. Our president should be shielded from those who may sell all they have in order to buy a ticket to be on the same plane. They are likely to influence state decisions even when they are not card-carrying members of the ruining party. We should never forget that Boko haram and other terrorist groups might attempt to hijack a commercial flight carrying the president of the world’s most profligate nation on earth only to land it in Fallujah.
There are those sniggering at the allocation of a mere N34.5 million feeding allowance for the helpless and hapless Hassle Rock Zoo lions. This is a Bloomberg complex of – if you love wildlife, keep them at your personal expense. That won’t wash in Naija. Lions are symbolic of brute force and valour; they only kill when they are hungry or threatened. This government is both hungry for power and angry with those who may threaten it. It is suicidal to provoke a desperate government.
Not adequately feeding hungry lions could lead to ignoble ideas. Idi Amin fed hungry crocodiles with the bodies of his political opponents. Kim Jong Un fed his rebellious uncle to starved dogs. Already there are those who think they are on a hit list. If they suddenly disappear as the masses do, the enemies might insinuate that they have been fed to hungry lions. We don’t want the pictures of hungry lions getting to PETA activists; they might be provoked to dance naked on the rock.
People continue to heckle President Jones for allegedly not keeping his political promises. Since when have political promises replaced constitutional provisions or budgets? If the constitution could be breached and budgets abused, what are promises but sweet words of a suitor eager to gain the affection of a delectable damsel? After the nuptials, she becomes a witch.
Those who feel that American politicians are better than President Jones should join the queue at the US Embassy or forever hold their peace. Americans evolved to where they are. The health minister warns that sitting down and feeding on the prediction that heaven would change the status quo can lead to serious frustration, heartache, hypertension and untimely death. Those who wish to live long should not to indulge in it.