OF WORDS AND PARAGRAPHS

The Battle of the Genders is as old as history. In fact, it is as old as Man and Woman (Adam and Eve). In many religions, there is still a lot of to-ing and fro-ing about who first ate that fruit of that tree of Heaven, or who influenced whom in the eating. The Devil, […]

The Battle of the Genders is as old as history. In fact, it is as old as Man and Woman (Adam and Eve). In many religions, there is still a lot of to-ing and fro-ing about who first ate that fruit of that tree of Heaven, or who influenced whom in the eating. The Devil, in the form of that serpent, is of course to blame for all our misfortunes. But lo! The Lord has warned Man and Woman that Satan was (still is) their enemy.

No matter. The battle of the genders is still on. They say a woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Therefore, let’s this morning consider a few snippets from this old battle. Enjoy.

“A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.’ The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

“There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman- before and after marriage.”

“A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”

“To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

“Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!”

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”

“A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.”

“A friend and her millionaire husband visited the husband’s construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, ‘Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school.’ On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, ‘Luckily you married me. Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker.’ She answered right back, ‘You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you.’”

“A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it. Suddenly, out popped a genie! The genie said, ‘OK, so you released me from the lamp blah…blah…You’re only getting one wish.’  The man sat and thought for a while. Finally he said, ‘How about building me a bridge across the sea so I can drive over it?’ The genie laughed and replied, ‘That’s impossible. Think of the logistics that would be required to do it. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel! No, you’ll have to think of another wish.’ The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. He finally said, ‘I wish that I could understand my wife. To know what she is thinking, and to really understand what she is trying to communicate to me.’ The genie quickly replied, ‘Did you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?’”

“A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘In-laws.’”

“A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.’ The husband said, ‘ You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’ So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…’HEBREWS’”

“A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said, ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned.’”

My horse!

“A woman, working behind the house, wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone, so she called out to her small son: ‘Junior, pick my phone and call your daddy and bring the phone to me.’ After Junior had called, he got back to his mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching him; that in fact he’s tired of calling him.

Junior’s mummy was furious, she was angry, she was livid. ‘Woman, you said, woman? Your daddy will see me today.’ She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work. Immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap on the right cheek, and another on the left. While the utterly shocked man was trying to ask why, she gave him a kick in the middle. People from the neighbourhood rushed around to ask the cause of this. Junior’s mummy announced to all present that a woman had answered his phone three times, and it was her son that made the call. The man, in apparent pain and confusion, turned to Junior and asked him what the lady who picked the phone said to him when he called. Junior said, ‘She said: The number you have called is not available at the moment, please try again later’. I tried three times but the woman kept saying that.’ Junior’s mummy fainted.”

That was my horse!