On top of the situation

•    Eh-hen. Abeg, stop that blackmail. Which industries? I just returned from an extensive tour of Europe and spoke to your leaders and genuine investors. They assured me that this country would soon be bubbling with employment. •    We are shocked to hear that Your Excellency. The indices do not add up. Electricity is virtually […]

•    Eh-hen. Abeg, stop that blackmail. Which industries? I just returned from an extensive tour of Europe and spoke to your leaders and genuine investors. They assured me that this country would soon be bubbling with employment.

•    We are shocked to hear that Your Excellency. The indices do not add up. Electricity is virtually nonexistent. All our officers have sent their children back home, because the kids are not used to the noise of generating sets and the pollution has given many of them respiratory diseases. Your hospitals here are nothing to write home about.

•    Again, I have to stop you there. Where some see complaints, others see opportunities. If the hospitals aren’t up to scratch, call your people to come and build better ones, they’ll make money. Naija people want health care. In fact, my number three has just returned from a medical trip to Israel. Thank God he came back safely, because most of them return in a casket, haha. But that is the challenge, bring your doctors; build hospitals instead of whining like Naija people. Help me deliver on the Transformation Agenda in the area of health care delivery.

•    Your Excellency, with due respect, this is not possible. How can we be sure that people would not wait for the hospitals to be built and then attack and blow it up together with our people?

•    How many of your people have been killed here since you came? Tell me.

•    Your Excellency, the welfare of your people should be germane in our hearts and we believe in yours too.

•    You people cannot love Naija more than we, the owners of this country.

•    Certainly, sir, certainly. But the spate of killings is driving people here nuts.

•    Which state of killing.

•    Bombs going off everywhere.

•    Nonsense, just face your oil and mineral extraction. That is why we don’t audit you as we should. We want your businesses here. As for the bombs people are learning new technology. Its all your faults actually. You manufacture guns; and guns kill people. You traffic in small arms (I don’t mean you particularly but your people). Then you teach people how to make bombs and post them on the Internet. It is not me who created the Internet, abi na me?

•    Your Excellency, it goes beyond that. I mean, in one blast over thirty people get killed. Nowhere is safe…schools are not safe, homes are not safe, the streets are not safe and now even markets. I mean, how do we survive if our local staff cant visit markets and get us a few bananas?

•    Nonsense. You people are reading too much newspapers. I hear that will soon change. All the people writing all those nonsense would soon end up in the morgue or under the ground. Let me tell you, our people have a saying – the pikin wey say im Mama no go sleep, he himself no go see sleep o.

•    Your Excellency, doesn’t it bother you that so many people are dying?

•    Who told you that many people are dying? The press exaggerates a lot. They do. The problem with bombs in the north is that the statistics are confusing in a place where there are more cattle than people. Those who write these stuff are not resident there. So, what do they do? They call people who are too scared to even venture out to tell them nonsense, then they hurry to print. That is why this country will be better off without reporters. We have NTA and FRCN, watch and listen to those ones for accurate information.

•    Your Excellency, these things are real. We saw the pictures, they are gory. Our bosses are asking us what you are doing to stop this and we need answers for them.

•    Answers. Answers. Okay, how about telling them that these things are not true. There is a government in place. We are on top of the situation – always. Our enemies want us to fail so that they can say that one Naija-Delta boy could not even hold the nation together. They have failed because we are on top of the situation.

•    With due respect, from our end, it looks like the situation is on top of you.

•    Do I look like am worried? I have just returned from an extended tour. We are respected everywhere in the world – Time magazine, one of the best (not the ragsheets around here) has just nominated me one of the 100 Most Influential Leaders in the World (not in Africa alone o, in the World). Even Jacob Zuma did not make the list, but he married a new wife, your leaders did not make the list, so, what are you talking about?

•    Your Excellency, action is needed to prevent this lovely country from going up in smoke. You should worry about the verdict of history.

•    Verdict of history. Why do you talk about the verdict of history while ignoring the compass of geography? This is power shift that is why some people are angry. A section of this country will continue to sabotage our efforts. But Transformation Agenda is in place (Reuben, give them copies), ehn-hen, those are the things we promise to do. No bomb can stop us. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to take a call from Abidjan. As you know, our leadership role is essential to save West Africa from ambitious soldiers hell bent on taking us back to Stone Age.

•    Your Excellency. This Okah confession.

•    Okah, check history, people who answer that name are traitors. Nobody believes them. There’s food and drinks in the adjoining room, you guys go and have something to eat and drink. I will join you. Let me reassure you that we have increased budgetary allocation to the Diplomatic Unit of Mopol and injected some soldiers into it. You are safe.

•    Your security adviser’s criticism is ….

•    Is what? I rehabilitated him when northerners disgraced him. I made him what he is today but he has joined the enemy in sabotaging me. He wants to be popular abi? Well, I am ignoring him. I won’t sack him, he can resign if he wants. You people should support us because if anything happens to this government, Naija will never recover and Africa will be destroyed. The enemy has failed. It is my destiny to rule and I will continue. You can see, we are in safety here, no shaking. No bombs here, no troubles at all, government is on top of the situation. Now, if you please excuse me; we must smoke out the soldiers in Bamako and Bissau. We must set examples – teach those ambitious rascals a lesson so that others can learn from them. Continue to support us and there will be no audit of bunkering.