Our versions of woe (II)
I want to agree with Halimatu that men seem to get some perverse pleasure out of treating us like dirt not necessarily because we’ve done anything to provoke them.’ Mariya, who had also discussed her travails earlier, assented. ‘I think it is more like what Shakespeare said ‘when love begins to sicken and decay, it […]
I want to agree with Halimatu that men seem to get some perverse pleasure out of treating us like dirt not necessarily because we’ve done anything to provoke them.’ Mariya, who had also discussed her travails earlier, assented. ‘I think it is more like what Shakespeare said ‘when love begins to sicken and decay, it useth an enforced ceremony.’ When they no longer love us and they don’t know what to do with us, they simply resort to all these unkind tactics hoping that through them we will take the hint and leave. But it’s not that easy for us. We can’t just close our eyes to the past and move on as if turning over a new page. Love and marriage mean a lot more to us. ’ She emphasised.
‘Yes, I agree with them both that sometimes we are not the architects of our woes. But I also agree with Bint that sometimes it is carelessness on our part that makes our men stray.’ Maimuna, who had told us how her marriage went through the motions for five years before her divorce, said. ‘However, talking from personal experience, I know that there was nothing I did not do in order to save my marriage. The extra cleanliness, new dishes, new sets of clothes, in fact I tried anything I could think of that could bring back the spark in our marriage but nothing worked. In the end I had to conclude that he was completely indifferent to me and I had to learn to live with that.’
‘At what point did you try your personal and home makeover in order to please him?’ I asked her, determined to see whether the point I made about us being the cause of our husbands’ untoward behaviour could be proved.
‘I started the same year he began to grow distant.’ Maimuna answered. ‘I was getting worried by it and all attempts to discuss his change of attitude were rebuffed by him. His regular line was that he had a lot on his mind and needed time alone. So I used that time for my own introspection. I decided I needed to concentrate on myself and do something positive to save my marriage. Whenever the children left for school I worked on the house and myself. I did a lot of reading on interior decoration and personal makeover and put them into practice. In the beginning he will actually notice and even pass a comment or two but it didn’t change much. I mean he didn’t return to the man he used to be. And with time he stopped showing interest in anything, he became like a stranger in his own house; interacting less with the children, having nothing to do with me, not eating our meals, all the works you know. Until the day he decided to end it, five years after it started.’ Maimuna concluded at the point of tears.
‘In fact I took that makeover thing so much to heart that you need to know how much I spent on it.’ Halimatu took over from her. ‘Luckily I was, and still am in a well-paying job. I simply dedicated a sizeable portion of my monthly pay to the ‘New Me’ project. I said to myself, if he is bored, I will excite him. If its mid-life crises I will cure him of it, if its the 7th, 10th, or whatever year itch he is suffering from, he wouldn’t know what hit him by the time I was through with him. So there I was buying everything highly fashionable from underwear to seductive nighties. Then I turned to evening dresses. Did you once say to us you sewed seven for each day of the week Bint? Well I did fourteen so that for two weeks I did not need to repeat what I wore to eat dinner with him. Next I moved to physical makeover, I went to the Moroccan Hammam and you know how expensive it is compared to our local saloons. But I went there and blew my savings so I can come out brand new. It was after all this did not help that I called in our elders. Today he does not even talk to me. My big sin was telling the world our marriage was in trouble.’ Halimatu ended, openly sobbing.
‘So where do we begin to look for answers to this problem if it’s not from within ourselves?’ Maryam asked after a little silence, while Maimuna was trying to console Halimatu.
‘Mostly it is those desperate women outside they can do anything to turn your man inside out, as long as they get to win his heart.’ Rabiat from the floor offered. ‘They have no scruples, no shame. But what goes around also comes around. They will see what will happen to them when they eventually ruin our homes and get in. The men will treat them the same way and go after other women, then they will know how it feels.’ She concluded in anger.
‘Maybe women outside may explain some of these cases but I don’t think they can explain all of them. Look at Asabe’s case for instance, there is no woman in the picture, yet the man has divorced her and is living alone. Leaving behind a happy and healthy family of seven, Mansur has opted to end a marriage of 17 years for reasons he himself is obviously too ashamed to say. So the question still remains ‘What has come over some of our men that they are playing with our lives and the lives of our children with so little concern?’ I asked rhetorically.