Padding is out, next scandal please!

We would not have survived this far as a people without our sense of humour, ask Ali Baba, Basket Mouth and the humour millionaires. They joke holes into our pockets and remind us not to take life too seriously. Those who die of hypertension are those who laugh less, believing that seriousness is an Eldorado […]

We would not have survived this far as a people without our sense of humour, ask Ali Baba, Basket Mouth and the humour millionaires. They joke holes into our pockets and remind us not to take life too seriously. Those who die of hypertension are those who laugh less, believing that seriousness is an Eldorado to be sought for and attained. The Naija finds humour in a funeral parlour.
When we got tired of the antics of the PDP, we did not rush to the streets to create our own Naija Spring, no, we reached into the inner recesses of our creativity declaring that Papa Deceive Pikin and Party of Desperate People among others. An analysis premised on such names, extracts seriousness from it. In the age of change our wit takes us to the marriage of convenience where Lagos busboys are unrivalled priests – they join total strangers together with their own money, a stroke of mathematical ingenuity!
When promises change without performance, the Naija reminds us of what APC means – All Promises Cancelled! We soon moved to the drama of budget padding, and out comes another Association of Padding Criminals. Such ingenuity makes your visit to mai shayi or Iya Basira something to look forward to. We are Naija, you can’t beat us to it and you can’t do it like we do.
Still on padding or the absence of it, looking back now, I doff my hat for Abdulmumin Jibrin. In a house of 360 space wasters, Jibrin would have come and gone without anyone noticing. Instead, he has implanted his face and name in our consciousness forever as a member of the Integrity Group. This group boasts of characters like Dino Melaye and the man who exposed the unknown potentials of his traditional dress in the business of dollar smuggling, Farouk Lawan.  Kindly credit the Naija politrician for his ability to re-invent himself after a scandal like the legendary phoenix.
Thirty years ago, Sai Baba was a dictator who jailed people indiscriminately using tribunals and employed retroactive laws to have some executed. He, the retired general who was so poor he was pushed out by his Abuja landlord; he, the political wannabe whose passionate attempt to rescue the slide failed, forcing him to shed patriotic tears. He was the leader who unlike President Jones would lay bare his assets before the Code of Conduct Bureau has had the chance of perusing it. Of course we now know that the God of miracles is not a partial Pentecostal contraption who works only in the south, He is an impartial deity who transforms the lives of people from Ota to Minna, Otuoke to Daura and all the creeks and deserts within.
This is the crux of the matter according to conventional wisdom, smooth talking Jibrin has been and remains a benefactor and active participant in the padding process; he became born-again after losing out in the power tussle. But to his supporters, he is the new poster boy of the association of padding criminals. Such impeccable credentials qualify him for political advancement – watch out Champagne Dino, someone else has presidential ambition! Our politricians are students of the Robin Hood school of politics – they steal a billion from us but are generous enough to drop a few thousands in projects to shore up their popularity; we are happy to garland them for it.
As for Dogara, who maintained a stoic calmness in all these, wouldn’t you just want to serve his God? Throughout the hullabaloo Dogara maintained tranquility, knowing as they say in Pentecostal circles that – this too shall pass. When the right moment came his damage control strategy is epic. If Donald Dumb knows what is best for him, he would hire Dogara’s boys and the treasure of the White House shall be added unto him. Jibrin may have earned a PhD in International Relations, but Dogara is a learned man and speaker to boot. Like a good gladiator, Dogara came to the court of public opinion armed with the best jurisprudential defense ever invoked to douse a raging political fire – padding is not a crime. By which he meant – it is a convention in Naija politricks.
According to past and present criminals experienced in the business, every budget that has ever been passed since 1999 was padded, mostly with the active connivance of the Executhief. The Wizard of Ota, ex-padder-in-chief had something to say to it, so does Ghali Umar. If you believe Jibrin, Kuje, Gaisuwa and Kirikiri would need massive expansions. That constituency project in your hood is a result of padding, backdoor recruitment is padding, Christmas and Sallah rice and vegetable oil comes from padding. If you believed in the crime of padding, you are inexorably accusing your change president of budgetary perjury – signing a phony budget and implementing it. That must be an impeachable offense. To stop the dangerous rumour, APC – take your interpretation – issued a gag order and declared that padding is a word that has not been accepted into the criminal lexicography. That settles it – next scandal please!