PMB’s unpresidential characters

Thank God for that wisdom, prospective limbs now arrayed to keep working the Change Lagos needs to sustain were saved by the ban on Okada in the mainland albeit to the consternation of our medical fiends. I understand Igbobi bone surgeons sleep more now because they don’t have to think too much about providing prosthetic […]

Thank God for that wisdom, prospective limbs now arrayed to keep working the Change Lagos needs to sustain were saved by the ban on Okada in the mainland albeit to the consternation of our medical fiends. I understand Igbobi bone surgeons sleep more now because they don’t have to think too much about providing prosthetic limbs while their colleagues in private practice are unhappy witnessing the lull in traffic to their clinics by people suffering obesity and diabetic-related ailments. Borderline obese Lagos Mamas now post their lepa, figure-8 pictures on their social media timelines as evidence of their workout – na lie! Eight years earlier they were angry with Fashola. Today they recall with nostalgia their turn-around under the hypnotic spell of BRF – well, minus the huge debt they and their children would have to pay back in the coming years.
Experience has taught me that there is a gulf of difference between a candidate and an elected official. PMB is less than two weeks in office but some people make candidate Muhammadu Buhari look more appealing than PMB. Candidate Muhammadu Buhari used to fly air molue with the hoi polloi, even to 10 Downing Street to see Mama Charlie’s boy, David Cameron. That resonated more with people than the PMB who inspected the guard of honour in Bavaria. Finally, PMB has found where President Jones kept the key to the Presidential air fleet and employed therapists to cure his phobia for the risks associated with the kind of Arik Air flight that recently had to make a detoured emergency landing.
Candidate Buhari used to carry his own handbag, now there’s a paid valet doing that for him. I believe that the Naija protocol requiring government officials not to carry their own stuff should be replaced by the global protocol that makes Obama, Cameron, Merkel and even populist Putin carry theirs. If the president can challenge a huffing and puffing President Jones and supporters to a 10-kilometre road race to prove his personal fitness, I bet carrying his own bag would not stop us from respectfully addressing him as PMB.
Okay, so, I won’t ask PMB to keep flying air molue, but if it is true what the enemies of President Jones have been saying that there are about a dozen serviceable planes on the Presidential Air Fleet, then, it is time for PMB to make that call to former Malawian President, Joyce Banda. She seems to know where to dispose of Tokunbo planes and make cash in the process. I agree that PMB should not be bailing out any cash-strapped state, including Kaduna, whose dynamic new governor has to think of how to make money outside the mortgaged one-year financial allocation. Here’s my lofty suggestion – how about playing a once and for all Father Christmas without borrowing Abdulasalami or Soyinka’s snow-white beard – auction the planes Mr. President and let all cash-strapped states bid for a chunk of the cash. Whatever is left can be sent to the treasury.
I have noticed another un-presidential character being foisted on PMB – the servile attitude of getting someone to pull out and adjust the President’s chair for him. We don’t want a president that is so indolent that he can’t mix a five Naira Milo sachet in his own teacup or add milk and sugar to his tea when required. My research published in the popular Journal of Presidential Etiquettes has shown that paying someone to do these mundane tasks could result in presidential arthritis and peroneal nerve dysfunction – let the reader get Google. We need a strong and agile PMB to drive the change and put Fayose to shame for his death wish.
So, PMB has refused to move into the Rock of Offense. Garba Shehu is yet to tell us whether this is (as they say on social media) to enable foreign marabouts exorcise the Rock before Buhari and his pastor-deputy move in or that PMB has read through my mind – to open the Rock to public viewing at N100 per head. In these days of austerity, opening the opulent Aso to the public helps generate enough cash to pay President Jones’ pension without touching oyel money. I swear, wherever the president is, there is power! If in doubt, ask Tanimu Yakubu.