Preparing children for parenting

Some time ago, I received this sad and distress call. “Please Father, tell my wife that marriage is different from courtship.”  I was wondering whether my friend needed me to arrange another marriage course for them, after two years of marriage. On further enquiring, the truth was very pathetic. When Andrew and Agnes were preparing […]

Some time ago, I received this sad and distress call. “Please Father, tell my wife that marriage is different from courtship.”  I was wondering whether my friend needed me to arrange another marriage course for them, after two years of marriage. On further enquiring, the truth was very pathetic. When Andrew and Agnes were preparing for marriage, they enjoyed eating in restaurants, gardens and all kinds of expensive hotels. When Andrew visited Agnes during their courtship, it was the maids that always cooked and served the food. It did not occur to Andrew to request his wife to be, to cook a meal one day for them to eat. Even when Agnes visited Andrew in his house, he would enter the kitchen and prepare a favourite meal just to show how much he cherished and loved his future wife. The parents of Andrew were not materially rich but they were rich in influencing their child’s social skills. Andrew’s infant activities were managed, monitored and regularly evaluated by his parents. Andrew’s domestic skills were patterned by the experiences of the parents who regularly interacted with the children. For Andrew’s parents, the kitchen was not meant only for the girls. Both boys and girls cook in turns. This was how Andrew was exposed to the environment that shaped his life and behaviour.

Agnes could not boil even water because she was not exposed to the culture of domestic work.  The rich parents made life “comfortable” for her. All she was exposed to was read her books and enjoy her meals. The parents employed domestic workers who cook, do the children’s laundry and clean the house. Although Agnes made first class in European history, she completely lacks natural intelligence and traditional wisdom.  Agnes’ parents expressed love to the children by telling them how much love they have for them. The parents played with the children, called them pet names, made sure they obeyed the bedtime routine and prayed with the children. They assured the children that they could depend on them for safety as long as they lived. They gave the children the impression that all they would need in life is already saved and stored. Although Agnes’ parents had time for the children and provided every material comfort, they failed to allow the children to grow to attain independence, success and authentic maturity. For Agnes’ parents, work is punishment, child labour and child abuse. The children were not prepared to manage their homes in the future. The children got everything except training in home management and future parenting.  The children also were deprived of leadership skills and the value of service.

Good parenting includes the authority of the parents to elicit obedience and respect from the children. A good parent does not spare the rod to spoil the child. The parent must provide behavioural guidelines that would help the children in the future. Good parents know when to appreciate children and when to punish them. The challenges of the marriage between Andrew and Agnes reminds me of the Indian concept of growth, progress and success. The parents of Agnes made progress in growth but they were not successful in the Indian context. There is a difference between growth, progress and success. Growth is an increase in business, money and material prosperity, but that is not a success. If an increase in material possessions is aided by ethics, that is progress. Growth plus ethics make up progress but that does not lead to success which is made up of progress, humanity, morality and spirituality. If you have billions of money in your account and you are not happy, you have just grown. Success includes stability, happiness, peace and progress in the things that provide an abundant and fulfilled life.

In the African context, success includes home training and traditional social etiquettes. Looking back to the African traditional culture, Alhaji Ishaq Kunle Sanni has this to say: “Until we go back to our traditional values and jettison Western immorality, through using our institution of learning and religious organizations especially at the early age we would never get it right. Ordinarily, you should expect children to speak their local languages and dialects at home, but the pathetic situation is that some only understand the languages but hardly speak it. In the days of old, when you wake up in the morning, the first rule for the child is to go and prostrate for the parents as a mark of respect and they would pray for the child. Females were taught how to manage the home. They help with cooking and other domestic chores and works. Unfortunately, the house helps now do that in many homes. The result is that you now have brides who are liabilities to their husbands because they don’t know how to cook. Many marriages have broken down when the untutored brides want to arm-twist the husband to employ a house help.” Also, a husband that lacks home training is a danger to family stability. The wife and children are not safe under his brutality and failure.

That a husband and wife refuse to separate even in the face of compatible incompatibility because of the children, reveals the best in a parent that believes in endurance. Many women refuse to divorce their husbands just for the sake of the children. They know that single parenting is not often the best option. The father and mother have a joint and divine responsibility to provide an enabling environment for the children to grow gracefully and have life in abundance. Father and Mother jointly need to spend time with the children with their energy, financial means, moral disposition and spirituality. This is a primary responsibility for the nuclear family. The contribution of the extended family to child formation is minimal especially now that some families live in fenced houses. The life of witness by the parents is imperative because children learn from what they see the parents do. An example is the best teacher for the children because they can easily inherit the character traits of the parents. This means that the parents must provide an enabling environment for the child to grow and be influenced positively.

Parents, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Colossians 3:21). Do all that is humanly possible to promote the mental health of the child. Allow your children to learn your local language as this would make them grow in the categories that could assist them in emotional development. One of the steps to enslave a people is to take away their local language that best express their cultural and traditional values. The academic skills of the child are better formed when the child has a comparative culture. The crisis of democracy in African nations today is the lack of African contextual governance. Trying to lead and govern any nation in foreign categories could end in anarchy. Europe and America cannot succeed with African community system of governance just as the African nations are finding challenges in governing African nations with a foreign system of democracy with colonized minds, attitudes and values. The parents of Agnes belonged to this class of colonized minds. The values of African hospitality, the sacredness of life and care for the common good has given way to greed and selfishness. It has become difficult to manage governance in the spirit of African communal paradigm in many African countries. In preparing children for parenting, parents must never forget that these children are the leaders of tomorrow. For these children to become good leaders in the nation, they must first learn how to be managers of their individual homes (1 Timothy 3:4).

Rev. Fr. Cornelius Omonokhua is the Executive Secretary of Nigeria Inter-Religious Council (NIREC) ([email protected])