President Muhammadu Buhari and the canonisation of villainy

Long ago, I jumped off the train of those believing that Nigeria would reform peacefully. The reason is simple – its destination is the railroad to nowhere. By the time all the present hullaballoo over herdsmen, bandits and ransom payments ends, Nigeria would return to the Ground Zero of tranquility. I see that happening soon, […]

Long ago, I jumped off the train of those believing that Nigeria would reform peacefully. The reason is simple – its destination is the railroad to nowhere. By the time all the present hullaballoo over herdsmen, bandits and ransom payments ends, Nigeria would return to the Ground Zero of tranquility.

I see that happening soon, because in the midst of a pandemic, economists have declared that Nigeria has eased out of its umpteenth recession under President Muhammadu Buhari. That is good news to the fat cats and wheeler-dealers in Abuja and the 36 state capitals, minus the Republique du Benin. Abundance is an invitational return to the way things have always been – the way of the profligate. City and town dwellers could persuade Minister Buhari to keep current pump price of petroleum products stable; rural dwellers live in a different republic.

If anyone still thinks that the National Assembly would sit down someday to sign off their fat salaries and allowances and sign in on reforms, they are dreamers. Public service remuneration is too lucrative for the privileged to willfully give up its social and economic benefits.

You would think that after passing three resolutions for the removal of the slothful, indolent and failed ex-service chiefs, a conscientious parliament has slammed its doors on screening them for public service so soon, especially given the current state of insecurity they have foisted on the nation. To quote Bash Ali – if that is your dream, wake up – it’s a nightmare! This column rightly predicted that the screening would go ahead. Our legislature is not about right or wrong, it is about doing executive bidding so that nobody heckles them for their unconscionable inadequacies. Members believe that having been ‘voted’ into office, they are better than the electorate. They believe that the electorate has farmed its brains to them.

One still hopes that there is enough acquired sense of national outrage left outside these shores to instigate a ‘not-my-rep’ movement wherever these national failures are posted. That is, hoping they don’t end up in Cameroon, with an absentee President Paul Biya. Or in Uganda with Yoweri Museveni who has broken every rule in the book. They’ll be in good company in Zimbabwe with the Crocodile and certainly get hero’s welcome in Morocco whose King is a Buharideen. In exercising the right to protest, distinguishing genuine democracies from banana empires. Protests are a very expensive commodity to waste where their imports are not valued.

By the books, Nigeria has practiced pseudo-democracy for 22 unbroken years now, enough mileage to chart a course. Yet, every ‘elected’ official is chaperoned by a uniformed sentry carrying files and granting unearned salutes to unmerited officialdom. Use the few kilometers of motorable roads in Nigeria to realise that the politrician owns the road and that you borrow it when he is not using it.

Earlier on in 1999, a civilian attempted to share the road with General Obasanjo’s convoy; he was arrested with civility and prosecuted. We hallowed that we had crossed the Rubicon because usually, those who have dared it inadvertently in the past have either not lived to recount the ordeal, or had big physical and emotional scars but that guy paid with a paltry fine equal to a traffic ticket.

That was when we thought civil rule would mean something different from the evil rule and that the Nigerian political elite would not act like the proverbial dog that returns to lap its vomit. Later, we followed the legendary Salisu Buhari, a young politician who falsed his way to become the Speaker of the emergent House of Representatives. For lying, he was caught and punished with an ignominious exit from the house.

Then we moved to Patricia Etteh, the  first female speaker who was compelled to resign for planning to spend money on projects with no direct impact on lawmaking or the people’s welfare. She was kicked out. Evan(s) Enwerem lost his seat as President of the Senate for non-altruistic reasons. Those were the days when chambers were hallowed.

Then we entered the era of Anyim Pius Anyim and Ghali Umar the duo that sat down with others to nocturnally change a bill passed by the House just to please Obasanjo. The subterfuge blew in their faces, but they rode the storm of discontent and are today even considered presidential materials or elder statesmen.

Having been pardoned for all potential misdemeanours that, in sane climes could have even cost him his seat, the current leadership of the legislature left us with no doubt that his leadership would wear the tag of ‘executive lapdog’ with smugness. Under him, the legislature is living up to the label screening failures to be appointed to represent the best.

Abandon hope all that come here looking for change or reform. As eloquently put by one of our national comedians, those who promised us change have changed the change.

Under Buhari, nepotism is no longer a thing of shame. Buhari probably regrets making us believe that he wouldn’t forward the name of his only begotten son for national posts, after all,Donald Trump did it in America! Believe me, nobody would be shocked or disappointed if he does that before he ends his second term. It would be regarded, as patriotism if after reading this piece, Yusuf’s name is forwarded to Ahmed Lawan, as a minister of the republic and Hanan as Nigeria’s envoy to the United Nation. The heavens would not fall.

This President has filled every available vacancy with the worst of his kinsmen. One of the lame duck service chiefs removed one of his freshly minted service chiefs from a commanding position in the war against the insurgency. Buhari found the individual eminently qualified for his present position. Well, it’s hosanna time and time would prove him right or wrong.

We have a 40-year old chap with a questionable record and accusations of unresolved sleaze heading our phantom EFCC, the anti-corruption commission.

One should see nothing wrong in all these strange coincidences by a government that stole our hearts promising to fight corruption. The tail has been wagging the dog as corruption has been fighting us from day one. If anybody still thinks that this regime was unaware that Abdulrasheed Maina sneaked back into the evil service after the slew of allegations of stealing pension funds was a mistake, they need to see their shrink.

The shock is how the poor chap has escaped presidential pardon and reabsorption into the evil service. But then, under Buhari, miracles could happen. On judgment day, Tafa Balogun would be standing as judge as Lawrence Anini, Ishola Oyenusi and Alamieyeseigha stand up against this regime to be garlanded as saints.