Public service announcement

By order of the omniscient elders of the bleeding continent Fellow Nigerians, compatriots in perpetual struggle, and citizens of a nation that runs on “God dey” and generator fumes, it is that time again. Time to look away from the price of rice for a moment and gaze upon the global circus. Because if the […]

By order of the omniscient elders of the bleeding continent

Fellow Nigerians, compatriots in perpetual struggle, and citizens of a nation that runs on “God dey” and generator fumes, it is that time again. Time to look away from the price of rice for a moment and gaze upon the global circus. Because if the world is a stage, the current scriptwriters are clearly on strike, and the understudies—armed with RPGs and propaganda—have taken over.

Let us begin with the distant thunder that sounds suspiciously like a Western-made bomb. The Iran war has resumed, and the word “ground invasion” is being tossed around like a dish of jollof at a family wedding. On the surface, this is a Persian problem. But let’s be honest: if the Gulf boils over, your NEPA bill will not just increase; it will achieve sentience and demand a ransom. Global oil prices will spike higher than an Abuja socialite’s hemline. The subsidy that we are famously not paying will somehow find its way back into the budget as “under-recovery,” and the average Nigerian will be left to explain to his fuel tank why it must accept air as a substitute.

If the war persists, expect the dollar to ascend to divine status. The Naira will devalue so fast it will start paying taxes in the past tense. We will import inflation while exporting our most talented youth through the “Japa” route. Geopolitically, it is a disaster. Economically, for Nigeria, it is a Tuesday—just a more expensive one.

Meanwhile, a few thousand miles south, our brothers and sisters in South Africa are engaging in what I can only describe as “xenophobic aerobics.” They have dug in, tooth and nail, unapologetic and blatant, as if fueled by a national energy drink called “It’s Our Turn to be Angry.” The public analyst, David Hundeyin, has thrown a fascinating spanner in the works. He suggests this isn’t just spontaneous combustion of bigotry, but a carefully funded operation. Apparently, Zionist Israel is allegedly funding these activists to sow discord, aiming to discredit South Africa’s moral high ground at the ICC regarding Gaza.

If this hypothesis holds water—and in a continent where water is often scarce, it’s worth a look—then we are witnessing a masterclass in psychological warfare. It is mass hypnosis, funded by foreign shekels. Israel has long despised Africa’s pro-Palestine stance, and if vengeance is a dish best served cold, they are serving it with a side of ‘Braai’ and anti-African sentiment. The result? We are fighting each other while the world’s superpowers sip tea and decide our borders. Nigeria, the self-appointed “Giant of Africa,” is watching this unfold while battling its own demons, effectively rendered mute by the sheer scale of our domestic insanity.

Speaking of which, let’s come home to the theater of the absurd, headlined by the “Fake Agency Scandal.” President Tinubu, in a move that seemed proactive, ordered a police investigation. They delivered a report. The president, however, was not satisfied. He ordered another investigation by the ICPC. Let us pause to appreciate this magnificent self-owning.

The fact that the Commander-in-Chief essentially looked at the findings of the Nigeria Police Force and said, “Hmm, this seems too competent, let’s get the real experts,” is the most damning diagnostic of our civil institutions since the last time a minister “misplaced” a billion naira. It means the police are so thoroughly compromised, so institutionally decayed, that their own conclusion is viewed with suspicion by the government that employs them. This is like a doctor telling you that your blood test results are so wrong that you need to see Mallam Babalawo for a second opinion.

If the president doesn’t trust the police to investigate the circumstances surrounding a fake agency, a glorified 419 syndicate, then what happens when a real agency with real money needs investigating? In such an environment, anything goes. If you have the cash and the connections, you can build a ministry, hire staff, print letterheads, and start defrauding foreign governments in the name of Nigeria. The police will investigate, find nothing, and the president will order another investigation by the EFCC… or ICPC of it is serious enough, who will also “find nothing” while the whistleblower goes into exile.

This leads us to our next PSA: the case of the female federal civil servant found dead at the residence of the current Minister of Works. Yet, the silence is deafening. In a functional society, the minister would have resigned before the body was cold. It would be front-page news in every newspaper, the lead story on every channel. The minister would be in handcuffs, giving a press conference via his lawyer.

Here, crickets are the dominant species. Most Nigerians haven’t heard about it because we are too busy mourning the price of pure water. This isn’t just a tragedy; it’s a symptom. This is why a fake agency could exist.in the first place. It is why the NPF is a glorified roadblock agency. It is why we are surprised when a minister is asked to account for his budget. We have normalised the abnormal. We have accepted that power is a shield against consequences. The minister sits, the investigation (if any) is a ghost, and the public forgets because another bandit just kidnapped a whole village in Zamfara.

So, what does all this augur for the regular Nigerian?

It augurs for a future where we are at the mercy of a global elite that orchestrates hate to distract us, while our local elite perfects the art of orchestrated incompetence. The Iranian war will make us poorer. The South African crisis will make us more isolated, proving that ‘African unity’ is a myth we sing about in primary school. The fake agency scandal proves that the government is fighting a ghost while the real criminals walk among us. The minister’s saga proves that if you are powerful enough, you can be above the law.

We are trapped in a vicious cycle of mass hypnosis. We are distracted by petrol, paralysed by poverty, and pacified by religion. We are an empire of potential ruled by a bureaucracy of mediocrity. The Iran war is an external threat; the South African crisis is an external distraction; but the rot is internal. It is in the police station, the ministry, and apparently in Aso Rock too.

This is your public service announcement: We are not merely watching a tragedy; we are living in a comedy where the punchline is always our suffering.

The message is clear: Wake up, or prepare to be the supporting cast in a global production where you are always the one who gets bombed, betrayed, or buried in silence. As for the future? It is coming, and it’s bringing a bill.

Are you ready to pay?

God bless the Federal Republic of Nigerians.