Putting the Jones’ PhD to the test

–    Nonsense, why not use the analogy of a pugilist.–    Because I know you can’t punch a hole in an American dry wall!–    Are you saying I’m sissy?–    Really just thinking how gladiators emerge behind computer screens. Anyway, what are you feasting on?–    Valentine’s Day.–    Oh, didn’t know that you followed Muzungu traditions that scrupulously.–   […]

–    Nonsense, why not use the analogy of a pugilist.
–    Because I know you can’t punch a hole in an American dry wall!
–    Are you saying I’m sissy?
–    Really just thinking how gladiators emerge behind computer screens. Anyway, what are you feasting on?
–    Valentine’s Day.
–    Oh, didn’t know that you followed Muzungu traditions that scrupulously.
–    Not until Attahiru Jega decided to change the status of Valentine’s Day, he converted me this once.
–    How so?
–    Yes.
–    So which party gets your vote?
–    None.
–    None? You mean you won’t vote?
–    I don’t vote parties, I vote persons.
–    Persons belong to parties.
–    Yes, but voters aren’t compelled to.
–    Okay, so who are you voting?
–    Not that it’s any of your business but its Febuhari all the way!
–    Isn’t he rather old?
–    Maybe too old to function as load carrier at Dangote Cement Factory in Obajana, but to run a state, no.
–    He’s also a despot.
–    Maybe he was, but you were once a toddler, can you be judged for wetting your pant as a kid?
–    Ehm, it’s kind of different.
–    No, it’s not. It’s called transition – you were once young, now you’re an adult; you were once a student, now you’re a graduate…nobody flogs you for what you were, but what you are.
–    He’s also a Moslem fanatic.
–    If being Muhammadu makes you a fanatic, then every Jonathan is a Christian fanatic. Don’t forget that as a Muslim, the General has only one Mecca trip to his name thus far. On the contrary, our vice president confesses he has not missed an Umra in five years (at public expense); our president has not missed an occasion to go to Israel even though there are no pilgrimage compulsions in Christianity. Now bring it on.
–    He called for the implementation of Sharia law in a secular state.
–    By your definition, we are all fanatics – Christian’s calling for God’s will be to done on earth as it is in heaven; atheists wanting God taken out of the equation; gay activists clamouring to impose their way of life on the rest of humanity…
–    Okay, okay, don’t go there. I hear from the grapevine that he wants to Islamize this country. It’s a plan that will fail.
–    I agree with you that no such plan can succeed. But aren’t you missing the point?
–    What point?
–    We’ve had Christians at the helm of affairs for fourteen of the 16 years of democracy, are we now a Christian state?
–    No, we are secular.
–    Do you know that secularity is enshrined in our constitution?
–    Yes.
–    Do you know the process of constitutional amendment?
–    Public hearings all around the country, passage from both chambers of the legislature and endorsement by two-thirds of state assemblies.
–    Do you think these can be done overnight without anyone knowing?
–    Impossible.
–    Next question please, I am pumped.
–    Err, erm, his predilection to violence.
–    Mention one instance in this campaign where he advocated violence even when ruining party attack dogs pillory him and impugn his character – he remained focused on issues.
–    The certificate saga is yet to be tackled.
–    How? He showed transparency by releasing his certificate to the whole world.
–    That fake one?
–    Yes, I read that too – how Hausa was not offered in Cambridge; how the statement of result bore the picture of an older Buhari. So what else? Yet the other candidate’s deputy who claimed his own certificates were burnt in an inferno has yet to produce his own results. Is it not said that those who come to equity should come with clean hands? Obviously you guys truly use your PhD.
–    How?
–    Pull Him Down – the focus of your campaign.
–    I’ve heard he is Chadian or from Niger?
–    And he rose to the rank of General in our army? You can’t pull a man perpetually down without going down with him. He’s a saint surrounded by sinners, but yours is Ali Baba surrounded by the 40 thieves or is it the 42? You guys even doubted the paternity of his children – how low you have sunk? Yet you’re missing something important?
–    What?
–    I thought elections were about issues – education, health, economy, agriculture, security etc. I’ve seen the Buhari first 100 days programme addressing these issues. Question is – what would your candidate do differently if he gets a second term? We all agree they’ve flunked this one.
–    Well, ehm, err, ehm?