Raising Arewa sons who add value to their women

“The character of men a society generates will always manifest in the welfare of its women.”  Today in northern Nigeria, the discussion of failing marriages and broken homes is painfully all too real. Some blame societal pressures, others individual incompatibility, while some put the blame on changing gender roles or emotional immaturity. The truth is, […]

“The character of men a society generates will always manifest in the welfare of its women.” 

Today in northern Nigeria, the discussion of failing marriages and broken homes is painfully all too real. Some blame societal pressures, others individual incompatibility, while some put the blame on changing gender roles or emotional immaturity. The truth is, the causes are many, sometimes due to what women do, sometimes due to what men fail to do, and most times due to a mix of both. But one very vital question that isn’t being posed enough is, how are we raising our boys?

This isn’t an assignment of blame or a declaration that men as a whole are to blame for doomed relationships. Rather, it seeks to bring light to one of the most important pieces of the puzzle of the boy-child. Because if we are going to build homes that are full of kindness, responsibility, and emotional safety, then we must start rethinking the way we shape the boys who will be the men in those homes.

There is a silence that pervades Arewa culture about how to bring up boys. Submission, modesty, sacrifice and responsibility are instilled in girls at an early age, but boys are generally given a free hand. They are excused for misbehaviour with phrases like “namiji ne” (he’s a man), and they learn as they mature that maleness is an insurance policy against responsibility.

• NASENI lauds Tinubu’s ‘Nigeria First Policy’
• Turji’s associate, Danbakolo, sacks 4 Sokoto communities

We encourage boys to be providers but rarely partners. We teach them to command but never to listen. We require them to ask for respect but never to learn how to earn it. Too many become emotionally arrested, unable to navigate failure, anger, or the strength of the women in their lives. They are taught to “man up,” to stifle feelings, and to never cry. In the process, we produce emotionally wounded men who struggle to communicate, to empathise, or to be vulnerable.

Society is hyper-vigilant about the morality of the girl-child and rightly so, but mum on the responsibility of the boy-child. And that mumness has a price tag.

When boys are raised with no emotional awareness or accountability towards others, they grow into men who are physically but not emotionally present. Men who believe that the only thing they have to do is provide, not interact: Husbands who complain when their wives get to be stars. Brothers who make fun of their sisters’ dreams. Fathers who are never more than money benefactors.

These men are not bad. They are simply not prepared. They were never taught that love requires presence, patience and partnership. That being a man is not just about strength but about service.

Too many men have been conditioned to think that worth is only in the capacity to earn power, not in how they show up emotionally or spiritually. Such a mindset contributes to the tension of modern marriages, where women are more aware of their worth but also long for support, not mere survival.

Northern women are among the most powerful women on earth. They are maintaining families together in a culture that in many respects, disregards their pain. Homemakers or professional women, women are carrying the emotional, spiritual and physical burdens of families with scant notice.

And yet, we still measure a woman’s worth by how “quiet” she is, how well she “suffers,” and how much she can rein in her own dreams for others. Even homemakers, the CEOs of their own households, are belittled for “not working” while simultaneously performing the most vital job of all—raising the next generation.

But an unsupported, depressed, and put-down woman cannot raise emotionally healthy children. She cannot cultivate joy in a home when her own heart keeps breaking. We as a society need to see: you can’t raise kings from broken queens.

Let us see a different kind of son. He has grown up seeing his father honour his mother. One who witnesses his older and younger sisters pursue their dreams with motivation, not demoralisation. A boy who is taught that women are not opponents to be vanquished, but companions to be loved.

Such a boy will one day walk hand in hand with his wife through the storms of life. He will celebrate her victories, not covet them as threats. He will encourage his daughter to dream and his son to be kind. He will understand leadership within the home is not a question of dominance, but rather it’s one of nurturing.

Respect is not something that a man achieves by being a father or husband. It is something he will need to learn to live out long before fatherhood or marriage ever sets in.

It begins at home. Parents must begin to raise boys with the same intentionality they raise girls. Let boys cry. Let them fail. Let them express frustration and joy. Teach them to cook, clean, and comfort. Let fathers be gentle role models, not merely tough. Let mothers support masculinity, not ego.

Schools must teach emotional intelligence as well as academics. Masjids must sermonise kindness, not just male privilege. Community leaders must speak the truth about this shift, not as a Western idea, but as a prophetic principle. The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) himself exemplified deep respect, love, and concern for women, not just as wives, but as daughters, mothers, and fellow travellers in faith.

We must become accustomed to raising men who know that love is not weakness and gentleness is not failure. That a good man does not lose honour for uplifting the women around him, but he gains it.

If Arewa wants a tomorrow of strong marriages, peaceful homes, and self-sufficient daughters, then the work is to begin today with our boys. The boy-child cannot continue to be an afterthought to discuss parenting. He is clay, not stone. And how we shape him determines not only who he will be but also what he will build for others.

The most valuable inheritance that a parent can leave behind is not a name or property, but it is a son who turns out to be a refuge for the women in his life. A son who protects his sister’s ambitions, who carves out room for his wife’s growth, who raises his daughter to believe that her being a woman is not a limitation, but an advantage.

Raise a boy who cheers when his sister succeeds. Who holds his wife’s hand when times get tough. Who does not extinguish a woman’s light but guards it from the wind.

Because ultimately, a world that teaches sons to honour women will raise daughters who never have to heal from the men they love and loved.