Rattled!

Who let the rats out? Who-who-who-who-who?! I had thought that rats could play only when the cat was away. Now, what is all this talk about rats racing around the seat of power? I’m so rat-tled by all the ratty talk that I decided to poke whatever is left of your ribs after they had […]

Who let the rats out? Who-who-who-who-who?! I had thought that rats could play only when the cat was away. Now, what is all this talk about rats racing around the seat of power? I’m so rat-tled by all the ratty talk that I decided to poke whatever is left of your ribs after they had been cracked over and over again in the last week or so.

There are rats and there are rats. Scientists call the ‘popular’ ones that abound in our various neighbourhoods Muroidea, members of the genus Rattus. The black variety which sends the chills up the spines of innocent housewives is called Rattus rattus while the brown one is known as Rattus norvegicus. I am still wondering which variety had the temerity to beat our bureaucrats in the game of ratting.

Shall we now invoke the Pied Piper of Hamelin, bedecked in his multicoloured clothing, to come lead these gate-crashers out of our seat of power? Crispian St. Petters composed a hit song of the Pied Piper way back in 1965 and I don’t think he would mind me borrowing some lines: “Don’t be scared to move … / What are you tryin’ to prove/ It ain’t true/ That your life has kicked you/ It’s your mind/ And that’s all that’s trickin’ you ….”

Or do we simply award a mega-million contracts to de-rat the presidency? Already, Nigerians are apprehensive that this could end up as another drain pipe. One humorist on social media argued as follows: “Nobody should come and tell us that they spent N200m for Rat eradication at the Presidential Office. Rat poison costs N100 for Rat Bomb, N200 for Kill and Dry, N350 for Rat Roundup and N400 for Otapiapia.”

Another joker issued a press statement on behalf of the Rats Association of Nigeria, repudiating the claim that rats infested the presidential office: “We respect protocols, our members don’t cross National Red Lines. We are peaceful and law-abiding citizens as we are found in every home across the country. We therefore urge the general public to disregard the allegation”.

One of the greatest crimes among gangsters in the underworld is ratting. To rat on someone is to betray the person, to denounce him or tell on him. The punishment for ratting is death, as we have seen all too often in real life account from the world’s capital of violence, America.

We have rats in our political space too. But these ones have nine lives. The more you kill them, the more they multiply. They’ve been known to infiltrate the stronghold of technocRats, aristocRats and born-again democRats. The firebrats that they are, they infest both the upright and fellow kleptocRats in equal measure. If you think they discriminate, ask the cosmocRat, gerontocRat, ochlocRat, physiocRat, plutocRat, or securocRat.

Human rats led us to the valley of despondency in which we are currently wallowing. Remember the budget-padding rats? All manner of rats in both the executive and legislative arm! 

The bigger issue is not the extirpation of rodents but the political fumigation of governance. There are rats in high places and the anti-corruption war of the present administration must smoke them out and neutralise them.

Now, in the serious matter of ‘deratification’ of governance, I queue behind President Buhari in his quest to sanitise the rat infested system which empowers various political rats to bore huge holes in our national till and dribble same to Europe, America and the Middle East. I only insist that our fumigation must be transparently done. If the president fails in that task, we all fail. There is no way we can make any progress if we don’t eradicate the human pests who have always eaten every budget and every capital vote across federal, state and local government boundaries. 

If there is any rat in the presidential office, it is infinitely less dangerous than the political rats strutting all over the place and digging their incisors into the national pie.

De-ratting governance or fixing anything in this country in the present circumstances could be daunting as catalogued by one unnamed citizen journalist who  sums it all up with the imagery of a vehicle needing repairs: 

“Nigeria is like a vehicle. While you are fixing the brain box, someone has removed the tyres. After fixing the tyres, you discover that the brake system has been damaged. When done fixing the brain box, you find out that the battery had been stolen. Done with those and about to start the engine, you realise that the Kickstarter is faulty. You fix the Kick-starter, you discover that the plugs are gone. When done with all these fixes with relief and excitement, and finally about to move at dusk in order to leave the dangerous spot, you then realise that the headlight bulbs are dead too. While trying to figure that out, it begins to rain. Unfortunately, the wipers are old and unable to wipe the rain water cascade on the windscreen. For safety, you decide to park the car and sit out until the ebbing of the downpour, and as you attempt to roll up the windows, it is discovered the power controls aren’t working. That’s the frustration one can sometimes face while trying to fix anything in Nigeria.”

Beyond pest control, let’s fumigate our political space!