Resolving mother-daughter conflict

After many years of developing into a grown up woman or maybe into a mom, things change.  Women often argue with their moms, because mom interferes in their love affairs or marriages.  Mom wants to tell us how we must raise our kids; she always seems to know better.  Mom is our toughest critic and […]

After many years of developing into a grown up woman or maybe into a mom, things change.  Women often argue with their moms, because mom interferes in their love affairs or marriages.  Mom wants to tell us how we must raise our kids; she always seems to know better.  Mom is our toughest critic and whatever we do, it is either not good enough or too good to be true.  Whatever happens, somehow we do not manage to cut the cord.  We are hooked and trapped in love and despair.

Many women have told me that they suffered from the influence of their strong moms all their lives.  They struggled with the problem of not being good enough no matter what they did.  This was a burden they carried around all their lives, and only a few managed to escape from that spell. Every mother-daughter relationship is founded on particular values such as unconditional love, honesty, compassion and mutual respect.
Most times the mother-daughter relationship could be compared to one on a roller skate. There are times in the relationship where it leaves the mother feeling anxious, fearful or even nauseated, especially when the mother and daughter are in the midst of an argument. But, in the midst of all these, there is one thing for sure that this ride with your daughter is one that will never come to a halt. No matter how scary or intolerable the ride may get with your daughter, there is not even a chance of getting off! This ride is forever.

When it comes to finding a common ground the teen years can be especially hard for mothers and daughters. How to stay connected to your daughter and foster a positive relationship while giving them space and room to grow seems impossible.
Every mother-daughter relationship faces challenges and it becomes inevitable at some point. There will be challenges that will test the strength of the relationship. Giving up on your daughter, as most mothers tend to do, will be doing more harm than good. If a mother can’t stand by her daughter, who else will?

Mother-daughter relationship is not different from other forms of relationships. The communication in the mother-daughter relationship is very vital because of the exchange of emotions and words that give the feeling of closeness and strengthen the bond. Mother-daughter communication is an exchange of expectations which reinforces our roles in one another’s life.

Whether your daughter is an infant or turns 40 tomorrow, whether you both talk frequently or sparsely, it is up to you, the mother, to create an environment conducive to openness and true sharing. At this point, it does not matter if both of you exchange harsh words or exchange blows, all that matters is that you begin the process of working towards a healthier and more loving dynamic relationship with your daughter. All depends on how you channel the relationship.

“As being a daughter and not yet a mother, I would have to say that it is extremely important to talk to your daughter. As we grow up and experience many different situations that sometimes we do not want our mothers to know, we would like you to be there for us, although we do not tell you everything. Knowing that we can talk to our mothers and knowing that you are interested in us, yet, you are our mother we are not asking for mothers to be our best friends because they are much more important and precious than being best friends. So, when we go through situations we think of what you really do care about. So, I always think twice before I do something. I always ask myself, “would my mother really want me to do this?” Communicating with your daughter brings a closer relationship than not communicating. I think that it is the key ingredient if you really love your daughter and wanting to be there for her, just talk, she will understand what you are trying to get across to her, yet understand her feelings as well,” says Maryam Abdullah, a teenager with one of the public schools in Abuja.

Without communication there will be no mother and daughter relationship. It will only be a fact written on paper and not a relationship. This way, the daughter will not learn about herself or even her future.

It is up to you because you are not only the designated driver of your family and its responsibilities, and so are you essentially responsible for your daughter’s existence in the first place. Whether conceiving the child was a conscious choice or a mistake that you ultimately chose to celebrate, you hungered to have a child and create a family, took the necessary steps to become pregnant or adopt a child and so in essence you committed yourself to a lifetime mission. This itself is a huge achievement you have attained in life.

Your relationship with your daughter must be an exclusive focus for all mothers if they mean well for their daughters and want them to turn out to be responsible and dependent individuals. So, it is your duty and responsibility to fully embrace the next challenge and figure out a better way to communicate with your daughter to make a better and stronger her. So, why not start a positive mother-daughter project that would stand the test of whatever storm it faces in the course of its existence!

Our mothers are what they are: the older they get, the more they show this.  Don’t even try to change them, because this will only lead to disappointment.  It is your attitude that you can change, and that can make your relationship with your mom work much better.