S A T I R E: Musings on the road to Otuoke

It is good that I left that inauguration ceremony mid-way. I know that Buhari was annoyed, from the way he looked at me when I was leaving. How can I stay there with all those boys shouting “Sai Baba” anytime his name is called? They wanted me to stay there and be disgraced. I didn’t […]

It is good that I left that inauguration ceremony mid-way. I know that Buhari was annoyed, from the way he looked at me when I was leaving. How can I stay there with all those boys shouting “Sai Baba” anytime his name is called? They wanted me to stay there and be disgraced. I didn’t even want to attend that inauguration. My plan was to just hand over on the 28th and then vanish. It was the fault of that my Information Minister Patricia Akwashiki. She went and announced it that I will handover on 28th and Nigerians began saying that is improper, that is why I even attended the inauguration.
Even the foreign heads of state that came, look at the way they were looking at me. Like that Jacob Zuma who said he will not talk to my outgoing government over the recall of our envoys to South Africa, that he will wait and speak to Buhari. That is why I pretended that I did not see him. And that John Kerry too. It’s like his government decided that I must lose the election. He kept talking before the election, saying I must keep the peace and congratulate the winner. That is why I did not greet him too.
And when I was leaving, even those people that I was the one who appointed them, they pretended that they did not see me. Like the service chiefs. They pretended that they were busy with parade and did not see me leaving Eagle Square. Were they not the ones that caused all this? If they had killed Shekau or found the Chibok girls, will I be going to Otuoke today? Even if Buhari does not sack all of them, I am glad that he said they must relocate to Maiduguri and fight Boko Haram from there. I wish somebody gave me that advice before. I would have told that Badeh to relocate to his home town and fight from there. And that Namadi Sambo, I left him standing there with his brother. I hear that his house in Kaduna is not far from Buhari’s house, yet he could not get for us any serious votes from the North.
You can see that it is only Peter Obi and Segun Mimiko that are accompanying me home on this plane. Look at the number of vacant seats in this small plane. If it were before, will you see a vacant seat in my plane whenever I am going? Instead, I must plead with many people not to vex because they cannot find a seat in my presidential plane but today, look at seats and there is no one sitting on them. You cannot believe that just yesterday I had 42 ministers that were answering to me. Today I cannot see any one of them to escort me home. Like that Adesina who ran away many weeks ago to campaign for ADB President. He abandoned my fertiliser and went away. I even wished they had defeated him in that election.
All those ministers that were falling over themselves to see me in the last five years, how many of them will I ever see again? They have all vanished and you will soon hear many of them decamping to APC. They will be the first people to go and cooperate with EFCC and say it was Jonathan who did this and did that. Even the ones that really enjoyed my presidency, like Diezani, she did not even attend the valedictory cabinet meeting on Wednesday. She just vanished to Europe. And that Ngozi too, she will soon run away to the World Bank and it is me they will come asking to explain about missing money even though she was the one in charge.
What people do not know is that even that telephone call I made to concede to Buhari, I was hoping that the call will be dropped due to network failure. When I dialled his number and it was ringing many times I prayed that he will not answer since he did not know my number. That time when Kofi Anan, Abdulsalami Abubakar and Cardinal Onaiyekan said Buhari and I should exchange number because of conceding I gave him the wrong number. I felt bad when he answered the call and I had to tell him that I conceded.
The governor of Bayelsa kept phoning me this morning, that he has finished the preparation for the lavish welcome home ceremony for me in Yenagoa. Who told him that I want any ceremony? I prefer to go home quietly and just rest. Can I even trust that Dickson? People told me that he secretly celebrated when I was defeated in the election. He said if I had been re-elected, he would have been denied the PDP ticket when his own election comes up later this year, like we did to Timipre Sylva. He said my wife has already anointed somebody else who will become the governor and make her the SSG, not the paltry permanent secretary that Dickson appointed her.
Before we even get to Bayelsa we must land in Port Harcourt where that man Wike will come to the airport to receive me. Me, I don’t trust that Wike. It is my wife that keeps saying we should trust him. If the man is loyal as she said, why didn’t he remain loyal to Amaechi? Was he not Amaechi’s chief of staff and was it not Amaechi that brought him to me and said I should make him minister? What is the assurance that he will not do to me what he did to Amaechi now that I am not in power? I will not be surprised if he decamps to APC since he always wants to be on the winning side.
Anyway, of all the people that contributed to send me on this journey back home it is that Jega that I blame the most. He is the worst INEC chairman ever. Other good INEC chairmen, were they not going to sit down with their president and ask him how many votes he wanted them to write for him? Was that not how it was done before? But Jega deceived me, came and collected money from me and went and bought card reader. He never explained to me what it was for. When we found out, it was too late. And he went and told those White people to send large election monitoring teams to ensure that card reader is used.
The Buhari man that is there now, leave him. He is happy now because he thinks Nigerians like him, that they are calling him Sai Baba. That is why I messed up everything this last week, to see where he will start. No petrol, no diesel, no light, no water, no banks, no planes, no schools, no GSM, no money to pay salaries. Let him come since they said he is the miracle worker. Is it not Nigeria? By this time next year you will hear people saying “Jonathan is better than this one.”