Secrets analytica

Dearest Buhari, Are you okay? I just read the Israeli’s hacked your emails and gave them to Cambridge Analytica during the elections so they could tell everyone you have prostate cancer. But you see, they lost! Your own foreign consultants were better than theirs. Those Axelrod people did well for you. I always say, when […]

Dearest Buhari,

Are you okay? I just read the Israeli’s hacked your emails and gave them to Cambridge Analytica during the elections so they could tell everyone you have prostate cancer. But you see, they lost! Your own foreign consultants were better than theirs. Those Axelrod people did well for you. I always say, when one group of foreigners come for you, it is best to use another group of foreigners to counter them. However, in truth, you and I know why you won the elections. It is because God loves you. And this love made you shine and blot out all the sins of yesteryears. Who cares if you never read a book or grew a business or that when you were military ruler you jailed journalists and made retroactive laws. The thing is, as a reformed democrat you had God’s favour and the people saw this. Especially the power brokers whom Jonathan had annoyed. I am not talking about anyone around Bourdillon. I am just saying that you had the grace of God and those millions of Kano votes. 

So I heard that when the insurgents who kidnapped girls in Dapchi strolled back in to drop off some of the girls, they spent some time in Dapchi chatting and preaching to the people in the town telling them not to send their daughters back to school. Now, I almost suggested that we send the military to the schools but I just saw on Channels Television that the military spokesman said they do not have the capacity to prevent terrorist invasion. So I am thinking that maybe we should send our own preachers to Dapchi. I am not sure what for. But I figure since we cannot protect the town and since the insurgents took out time from their busy schedule to preach, it must be important to them. And that if we try to out-preach them, it might make them very very angry and then we can maybe defeat them. I mean, in the absence of real protection, it doesn’t hurt to try this. 

I saw the IG of Police threatening to withdraw police protection from VIPs in Nigeria. Watch that man o. Does he not know we are in an election period? It is less than one year to the 2019 polls and we need every VIP we can get. We should not lose elections because of some oversabi IGP. We can look at policing after we win the elections. But not now. And why would he even make that announcement without talking to your VIP friends to see if they like it or not. 

So at the risk of annoying you with this Boko Haram issue, can we not just tell them that we forgive them? And that they should just legally occupy the lands they now occupy and maybe farm or something? Especially now that they have those millions of dollars from all the ransom? I think they call it amnesty. I suspect they might refuse but doesn’t hurt to try. Especially in this election year, you want to be the one who takes credit for ending the war, you know. 

I am thinking that when the elections come closer we should do a sports video to show Nigerians you are fit enough to rule this complicated country for another four years. We all know you went to hospital and all, but if we have a video like the one Atiku did to show off his gym, it might help. Just a little. Stand in the room with a trainer and a doctor (just in case). Then do some minor things and we can get the media consultants to cut and join the video with some looping to look more impressive. Because you are impressive. 

I don’t know why Shehu Sani was complaining about your red carpet reception in Yobe. Does he know how dusty Yobe is? And now that you have arranged for the release of some of the girls through back channels, will he apologise? If you ask me though, now that you have got back some of the girls, it might be a good time to attend all the weddings you can attend before the next kidnapping or disaster, so that people don’t use this to score political points. Do they know how many votes Kano arranged for you? Attending a couple of weddings there is just a little thing to show your appreciation. Only a sad person would not celebrate a wedding. Maybe Shehu Sani and your other detractors are sad. Even people who demolish the houses of their opponents in places like Kaduna attend and enjoy weddings. I don’t know why people just can’t celebrate love. 

Anyway, me I look forward to us beginning the campaign proper and sharing your beautiful campaign posters. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna.  It is never too late to do the right thing. It is 2018. We need good karma for our 2019 re-election. Release him, his wife and his people. Or conduct a fair and open trial. Then we can even use it to score political points. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever

John will be back next week with a fresh piece