Should parents and their salaried adult children share domestic expenses?

Mallam Sule Abadan said he has the wherewithal to foot all the bills in his home but he wants his grown up son who is a lawyer  and living with him to share some of the expenses so that he can  learn how to be responsible for the family.He said he has asked his son […]

Mallam Sule Abadan said he has the wherewithal to foot all the bills in his home but he wants his grown up son who is a lawyer  and living with him to share some of the expenses so that he can  learn how to be responsible for the family.
He said he has asked his son to pay for the cooking gas and the electricity used in the home, adding that this will give the son a picture of responsibility before he gets married.
Abadan  cited instances where parents particularly the wealthy allowed their working sons not to share in any expenses in the home, and even went ahead to marry for them.
He said the boys did not spend a single dime in all processes leading to the marriage as the parents bought them everything including the bridal accompaniments (kayan lefe), and after getting married, they could not live up to their responsibilities as husbands or men of the house even after years of marriage.
 He added that some of them either continued to depend on their parents or left the responsibilities to their wives.
Mrs Jummai  Adewole said it is an act of disrespect and irresponsibility for any adult and working person in his parent’s house not to contribute to the household expenses.
 “I have seen cases where some of them spend their money on expensive clothing, phones, unnecessary travels, cars and even women, while they leave their parents to struggle with their sibling’s school fees, house rent, consumables,  bills and even their feeding. It is wickedness for a man who can afford to give his girlfriend or fiancée money to make her hair to return home every day to eat the food provided by his parents without giving them anything to augment their domestic expenses. Some of them even collect money from their parents.”
She said such adult children can only be excused if they have no job at all but once they work , no matter how small their earning they should make at least little contributions to running the home.
Speaking in agreement with Mrs Adewole,  Anthonia a working class lady said supporting domestic expenses should be a natural duty by adult children and what common sense should naturally imbue in them.
She said this does not apply to biological children alone but working class adults who grew up with their relatives or those who come to live with family members, friends or other people as a result of work transfer or when they get a job.
She decried situations where the above category of people just relax and wait on their relatives and host to provide everything in the home even when they earn more than them.
She said: “I see it as an act of ingratitude when you have money and still wait for the person accommodating you whether he or she is your parent to also provide you with toothpaste, washing soap and cream, that is tantamount to adding a burden to them.”
Anthonia mentioned the case of a family friend whose adult and working niece living with them took offence when she was told to start footing the bill for the palm oil needed for cooking in the house.
She said the lady in question refused to do so and told whoever cared to listen how wicked her uncle and his wife were for asking her to be buying palm oil. She said the lady later packed out of the house and left her (Anthonia) wondering if the money for only palm oil she was asked to pay for can now equate the rent, food, and other things she is spending money on now that she is living on her own.
Mrs Veronica on her part said while it is important for adult and working children to contribute to the domestic expenses, parents should not however stipulate what their children should contribute. She said they should be left to contribute whatever amount or things they can afford to contribute, adding that any well raised adult would naturally understand the efforts of his parents and be open to occasional requests for money and other domestic expenditure from time to time.
George a lawyer living on his own on his part said one must not earn much to contribute to household expenses.
He said some of these adult children can afford to stay on their own but only continue to live with their parents even beyond their 30’s just to continue to live off their parents like parasites.
 “ Even when you are not living with your parents you are expected to take care of them.Some of them are pensioners earning as little as 5,000 naira per month, so why put a strain on their finances? When you are grown up and not working it shouldn’t be an excuse to relax on them , make serious efforts to do something to support them no matter how little from time to time,” he advised.
Emeka, a National Youth Service Corp(NYSC) member however disagrees that adult children should be sharing in the domestic expenses with their parents saying that the work in question should be defined as some people work but earn very little and cannot afford to contribute until they earn better pay.
Narrating his experience , he said he only earns 19,000 naira only a month as a corp member but his father whom he lives with in Abuja sees that as work. He said he barely survives on the amount because he transports himself out of it to the place he works (place of primary assignment ) and meets other needs like phone credits, snacks at work, and few clothes among others, from it. But his father has been insisting he  foot the bills for  DSTV recharge, fueling the generator, and paying all electricity bills out of his meager pay.
He said he was traumatized and all efforts to explain to his father fell on deaf ears as the later believes that he spends a lot of time calling people on the phone and pinging with blackberry as such if he can afford to recharge for them he is in a position to foot the bill for the stipulated expenses.
Different experts have advised that open communication is the best way to determine how to split the expenses by adult children and their parents. They said it is important for both parents and their children to sit down together and discuss about it to avoid the conflict it has generated in some homes.
Debbie Pincus,  a parenting expert said the golden rule of living with an adult child in the home is to clarify your expectations and this  requires honest communication and represent yourself honestly and openly as a parent.
She said: “The message has to be, ‘To live in this house, you need to show us that you are working towards independence. We need to see that—and you need to help yourself make that happen. In turn, it’s important to listen to your child openly and respectfully. Most likely, he will feel a bit guilty or inadequate in some way. Expect some resistance and respond with good, hard facts.
 “They’re adults and they can take the hard facts. Explain to them the costs involved in keeping them, ranging from food, electricity, gas, maintenance of the home, clothing, cooking services, cleaning to providing a rent-free room. If you have been offering these things free-of-charge, it may well be that your kids just don’t see the harsh reality of the costs involved.”
 Secondly it is important to consider the income of all individuals. This will play a large role in the amount of money that everyone has to contribute. The idea of who pays what can be discussed.
Pincus advised parents to overcome guilt. If one or more of your adult children is living with you, it’s probably because you want to help them; perhaps they’ve hit a rough patch, and more than likely, you enjoy having them nearby. You might feel guilty when you demand contributions, especially if you see your child as being in a difficult position. “When this happens, keep the following in mind:
Sheltering them from the harsh reality of life isn’t helping them. Your job as a parent is to teach them how to become independent adults who can survive and thrive on their own. Having them pull their own weight in your home will teach them that there’s no such thing as a free lunch. It’s better for them to learn responsibility from you, than from a boss firing them or a spouse divorcing them,” she said.
Finally she advised parents to be grateful. “When your adult children do start contributing more, let them know how much you appreciate their contribution to the household and family and thank them.”