Should parents remain in unhappy marriages for sake of their kids?

It is not uncommon to find people in an unhappy or abusive marriage but still living together for the sake of the children, probably because they feel the children would be better off with their parents staying together. In such settings, discussions are usually kids-to-parents/parents-to-kids but never parent-to-parent, and even when the parents discuss it […]

It is not uncommon to find people in an unhappy or abusive marriage but still living together for the sake of the children, probably because they feel the children would be better off with their parents staying together.

In such settings, discussions are usually kids-to-parents/parents-to-kids but never parent-to-parent, and even when the parents discuss it will most likely be about the children’s welfare. There is usually no idle chatter about a movie or the news, or harmless gossips about the neighbours.

When parents for whatever reason(s) fall out of love, is it right to stay married for the kids’ sake? 

Isa Tijjani, in his fifties and father to grown up children, advised that parents should strive to remain together for the sake of their children.

Speaking from personal experience, Tijjani said “One may not understand this unless you were once a victim. I was a victim because my parents got divorced when I was in primary three and I never saw my mother until I finished secondary school. I hate my experience and wouldn’t even wish that for my worst enemy.”  

And how are the parents supposed to make it work? Tijjani said “You see, the thin difference is patience. As I am talking to you, I will soon be 30 years in marriage. There were times when things nearly reached a breaking point but on reflection and due to past experience, I had to be patient.”

Joey Akan, a journalist in his mid twenties, told LifeXtra that he is a huge supporter of marriages and making it work but personal and mental health issues shouldn’t be sacrificed for the sake of the kids.

Joey explained that “If the parents have basic problems such as communication and loss of affection, the marriage could still be worked on. But when there are issues such as physical abuse, violence and mental torture, then it’s not worth it.”

Lanre Afuwape, a young father, said “Speaking from a Christian point of view, you have no option but to stay because it is not permitted although there is an exception.”

Afuwape however added “Now, speaking from a human point of view, when couples can’t bear each other anymore, it is best they part ways after all efforts have been made to make the marriage work.  If they stay because of their kids, then the reason for marriage has been defeated.”

Jey Iliya, a Jos-based entrepreneur, is an advocate of parents staying together for the sake of the children “because a divided home breeds really divided children, no matter how much the parents pretend. So staying together is the key,” he explained.

Peteru Bobson, in his late twenties, is also of the view that parents should remain together because of the children.  

He however noted that one shouldn’t remain in marriage when there is a life threatening situation, just as “irreconcilable difference could have a far reaching negative effect on the children, if parents remain together.”

Mel Schwartz, a psychotherapist and marriage counselor in his article “For the Sake of the Children” for Psychology Today, while addressing the issue of parents who wait until the children are grown before they separate, said “Countless times in my practice, I’ve had adult clients comment that they wished their parents had not waited until they were out of the house to divorce. To do so makes a mockery of the institution of marriage. Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.”

He added that “The good divorce – one in which parents focus on the wellbeing of the children – is becoming more commonplace and is certainly a goal. Either way, for the sake of the children, we should either commit to making our marriages the best they can be. And if we can’t succeed in that endeavor, we should demonstrate lovingly to our kids that we all deserve happiness, even at the cost of divorcing.”