Should there be secrets between spouses?

While some people believe there should be no secrets between spouses regardless of whether the information concerns them, their marriage and other people, others believe any information that will make the other spouse worry, upset, hurt, cause fights, affect their health, love, trust or expose the secrets of others around them, among others are better […]

While some people believe there should be no secrets between spouses regardless of whether the information concerns them, their marriage and other people, others believe any information that will make the other spouse worry, upset, hurt, cause fights, affect their health, love, trust or expose the secrets of others around them, among others are better not told but kept as secrets.
Mallam Abdul Rasheed Musa, a teacher said there should be no secrets between spouses saying some people don’t tell their spouses their salary, increments nor other earnings. He said: “Couples should know each other’s regular earnings and major expenses. Some men can’t even tell their wives when they get broke because they don’t want them to worry or take them for granted, and the woman will continue spending anyhow while the man suffers.
“She may later discover and think you don’t trust her. Keeping secrets have consequences .As a woman if you have the habit of keeping payment of any special money in your office or earn more from your business and don’t tell your husband, the man may even begin to suspect you of infidelity. Couples should be able to talk  and plan together. It is not good for one spouse to build houses or have huge amounts of money in the bank or with people without the other’s knowledge.”
He said the problems are much worse when they find out themselves and  the whole picture they see is that you neither love, trust nor value the marriage, “he or she will be disappointed and find it difficult to trust you with anything, and that may affect your marriage,” he added
Mrs Evelyn Akanya, a business women said it depends on the kind of secret .She said marriage is all about trust and some secrets can break that trust. “I remember a couple in my neighbourhood, the woman was having affairs and later repented and joined a church. She was so remorseful and decided to confess her affairs and with whom, to her husband. From that day, the man hated her seriously. Her confession made her husband never to trust her again. He was always suspicious of her moves and they were always fighting. To me, since she has repented and now wants to be faithful to her husband, she should have spared him the ugly details and go on normally with the marriage.”
Hajiya  Binta Audu , a civil servant is of the opinion that  couples are entitled to their individual privacy and so there should be some secrets between them. She said while major things can be revealed, some things are trivial and should be left out.
She said: “You have the right to privacy in marriage too. Being honest does not mean you must tell your husband or wife everything. For example husbands and wives must not insist on knowing everything about their husband’s phone, their contacts or who they call and text.”
Audu said they must not know or read each other’s emails, facebook accounts nor their passwords as doing so is invading the other person’s privacy, “Some men hate snooping so if you as lady keep insisting on knowing every secrets they can even send you away,” She said.
Mrs Chijioke  Mba, a journalist, said generally couples should not keep secrets in relevant or  major areas if it benefits the marriage and hurts no one. She said they must not tell their spouses things which will cause disaffection between their families  or other close persons.
She said also if for instance, a woman’s friend , colleague or relative confides in her about an issue, she is not supposed to tell that secret to her husband and vice versa. “She should protect the friend or that family member’s secret no matter how much she trust her spouse not to tell another person,” she said
Mrs Ramatu Abolorin, a business woman said in her opinion there should be full disclosure in marriage, no secrets. “There should be no secrets between spouses even where their families are concerned because where there is love, your family becomes his family and his becomes yours too. Tell the person about your past too before getting married”, She said.
Tonia Enemali,  a civil servant,  said  it  is impossible to sustain a marriage without complete transparency on the part of both spouses. But at the same time telling your spouse secrets that would be counterproductive and might sabotage an otherwise happy marital union is not advisable.”
According to Ustaz Yakubu Tahir,  “Islam doesn’t make it 100 percent binding on couples to reveal all secrets to each other particularly in things or issues that will cause problems and disaffection  between them or with other people.
 He said: “They must not cheat on each other. But if there are issues that will cause  problems for instance, if the man had issue with another person like a quarrel, his wife will naturally  take sides with him as her husband and start nursing grudges against the person, so it is advisable to leave some things as they are if revealing them will cause problems.”
Marriage Counsellors and owners of a Counseling organization, Maritaldot.com, also known as Couples Communication, based in Abuja,  Pastor Mrs Chika Emmanuel Ebinne and Pastor Emmanuel Ebinne  said they do not believe in a marriage with secrets but added that there are certain things to put into consideration before revealing secrets.
According to Pastor Emmanuel Ebinne,  “There is something called tonic in marriage. Tonic is something that improves your marriage. It might be what you say, do or think and one of the things we advise is that you don’t run a hidden agenda in marriage .If you habour secrets, how long will you manage it? An open agenda is when you say the truth and don’t hide things from your spouse. If you keep secrets, eventually the person will find out, directly or indirectly.  
“There is what we call selective exposure, when you know a person’s temperament there is a way you can expose that person to some truth or the information without hurting the person,” he advises.
Pastor Mrs Chika Emmanuel Ebinne, his wife, said the things to take cognizance of before revealing secrets include; First study your spouse and know his or her temperament ,  study your spouse’s mood ,  apply wisdom and then finally pray.  
The marriage counsellor said in studying the mood, watch the terrain or mood and when it is right to talk. “There are some men that are so possessive and jealous and  if you tell them another man made advances at you as a married woman ,they will think that you have gone to bed without that person already. If you have this kind of spouse you have to be wise and apply wisdom on how and when you pass this information across to him to see your innocence and why you are telling him.
“Always pray to God to help you before revealing secrets too, we don’t believe in couples keeping secrets from each other because when the other party finds out sometime on his own, it could mark the end of the marriage.” She advises.