Should we be lambs or tigers?
On the eve of the wedding her mother stepped into her bedroom to give her a typical mother-daughter pre-wedding talk. Over here it’s usually the aunts and big sisters who give that kind of talk. But in western societies, where talking about the facts of life is more or less a parental affair, it is […]
On the eve of the wedding her mother stepped into her bedroom to give her a typical mother-daughter pre-wedding talk. Over here it’s usually the aunts and big sisters who give that kind of talk. But in western societies, where talking about the facts of life is more or less a parental affair, it is usually the mothers who give a bride-to-be the marital roadmap. This actress-mother concluded her lecture with the line ‘We Greek women are like lambs in the kitchen, but in the bedroom, we are tigers.’
I laughed at the imagery, just as the film director expected me to, but threw the whole wisdom behind me in the stress of the journey. I was forced to recall this episode recently when some of our columnists and writers engaged in a debate on whether a married woman should behave like a prostitute with her husband. Aminiya newspaper’s new columnist, Nabeela Ibrahim Khaleel fired the first salvo when she wrote advocating this position as a step to marital harmony. She hinged her argument on the fact that the inability of women to behave with the reckless abandon of a prostitute is what sends their men out in search of sexual satisfaction. In her own words ‘Research has shown that no man in the world wants a wife who is shy during intimacy. Every husband wants a decent woman for a wife, but one who can transform into a prostitute when they are together.’ She further argued that ‘It is one of the reasons why some men patronise prostitutes because prostitutes are shameless in this respect. They can do anything to please a man because they instinctively know what their customers like.’
Nabeela’s position was swiftly challenged by our long-time columnist, former Woman Editor and now Deputy Editor Sunday Trust, Hajiya Safiya Dantiye. Safiya argued that men appreciate shy and decent women and so cannot possibly prefer those with the skills and shamelessness of a prostitute. She added that Hausa men, whom the Aminiya writer was addressing in the vernacular paper are known to cherish chastity and shyness, so Nabeela could not be a spokesperson for their likes and dislikes. She asked further ‘Pray, how can a well-behaved girl who has not been sleeping around be asked to behave like an expert prostitute? She wouldn’t even know the tricks of prostitution, she only knows that it is waywardness and sex out of wedlock is a sin in Islam.’ So Safiya challenged Nabeela to name who did the particular research she referred to, where it was done and when, because it’s only such information ‘That can lay credence to the claim.’
In her response to the two writers above, Halima Musa of Trust newspapers Kano bureau, agreed entirely with Safiya on the need for Hausa/Fulani women to hold on to the twin virtues of chastity and bashfulness but still sought out the views of men on the issue. Her first respondent said there was no reason to compare what is expected of a decent wife with what a loose woman does. He argued that it was wrong to advice women to behave like prostitutes with their husbands, because there can’t be anything good in something forbidden by Islam. Though the statement is not asking women to become prostitutes, likening a lawful act with prostitution is itself objectionable. But he still stressed that Islam allows married couples to derive maximum satisfaction from each other.
Halima’s second respondent didn’t agree with the first. He told her that though the Hausa woman’s shyness and virtue is commendable, she should know that a Hausaman is like any other man, and man is by nature impatient and selfish. He cannot accept undue shyness when it comes to intimacy since she is legally his wife. So he warned her not hide behind shyness and let her husband become disenchanted with her because then she will only have herself to blame if he strayed.
I honestly thought that with Halima’s piece the debate had been closed on the issue of whether married women should behave like prostitutes to keep their husbands. But then came the campaign by the Obedient Wives Club of Malaysia. They too are advocating that wives should be like whores to their husbands to prevent them from being unfaithful. The club which started like an office club has quickly spread to 18 countries. According to Dr. Rohayah Mohammed, who is one of the Club’s founders, ‘Sex is a taboo in Asian societies; we have ignored it in our marriages but it’s all down to sex. A good wife is a good sex-worker to her husband. What is wrong with being a whore… to your husband?’ And this sets the wheel in motion again, for another round of debates.
Personally, the issue of whether a woman should be a lamb or a tiger in the bedroom is something that I believe depends entirely on the individuals concerned. Like marriage itself, there is no one-size-fits-all formula for sexual satisfaction in a marriage. As a student two decades ago, I remember hearing this incredible tale from my classmate Rammanatu about a young lady who got divorced a day after she was married. According to Rammanatu, when the young lady showed up at her parent’s house with a divorce latter, just one day into her married life, the parents sent emissaries to her husband to ask him why. He explained that in his 15 years of marriage (the new bride was his second wife) he had never seen anything as wild as what his new bride displayed. So being thoroughly discouraged, the man opted to divorce her rather than tame his tiger.
Now compare this with another story I heard of a Sokoto man who married a woman from another state in Northern Nigeria. A few days into this marriage, the man was said to have given his new bride some money with instructions that she should go and meet his married younger sister. When she went, the younger sister welcomed her and joked that ‘My brother sent you so I can get you prepared.’ Now there is a myth among Northern women that Sokoto women possess certain hush-hush secrets that no other women can match. That unless they initiate you into that world they are unbeatable in that art. So the sister accompanied her young in-law to the house of one such expert. There, she was given certain local tonics and lectures on the art of pleasure-giving. And so the day was saved, thanks to sister-in-law act.
From the above two accounts, you can see that husband no. 1 wanted a lamb but got a tiger while husband no.2 wanted a tiger but was saddled with a lamb. What is instructive is that neither of them went about the problem the right way. In marriage, more than in any other relationship, communication is the key to success. Both husbands could have spoken to their wives about how they felt. Husband no. 1 could have told his bride, ‘I know you are trying hard to please me but I am not used to such wild ways, this is what I want’. Who knows, maybe she really wasn’t a wayward girl, she was an innocent young lady who had read so much and couldn’t wait to put her theories into practice. In her overzealousness to impress, she succeeded in scaring away her groom. Husband no.2 could have communicated to his wife as subtly as possible his need for better attention without sending her to his sister to spell it out in black and white.
In the final analysis, it is certainly not the extreme adventures or the whore-like ways that make a marriage last, it is the quality of companionship. Yes, a woman should look great at home, dress her best, splash her perfumes and keep her house clean and attractive, but all of this plus how great a bed mate she is, are no guarantee that her husband will have eyes only for her. If he is the type that desires more than one woman he will go after them, whether lawfully or illicitly. Therefore the important thing is to observe the laws of decency and morality in everything you do. These are concepts alien to the prostitute, who will do anything to please her client. In this case I am with those who say being a prostitute to your man is going to the extreme. You can please him by just being his lawfully-wedded wife, whether tiger or lamb.