Should women propose to men?

In many parts of the world, a woman is expected to wait for the man to propose to her, no matter how long it takes for that to happen, and when he does, most remain single or unattached. However, this tradition of waiting for men to propose to women is being challenged by some African […]

In many parts of the world, a woman is expected to wait for the man to propose to her, no matter how long it takes for that to happen, and when he does, most remain single or unattached.
However, this tradition of waiting for men to propose to women is being challenged by some African women who feel that the attitude does not serve the interest of womenfolk.
Though this trend is new in Nigeria, it is accepted practice in the developed nations of Europe and America.
Women in those countries, unlike women in Africa and other underdeveloped countries, fought religious, traditional and societal encumbrances to compete favourably with men in all areas of life’s endeavours.
Now, mainly due to modernity and western influence, some Nigerian women and their African counterparts, arguably have joined the struggle to liberate themselves from what they consider to be male and societal oppression and domination.
But even more helpful to the gender equality struggle are harsh socio-economic realities of many underdeveloped nations which have not only motivated women to seek men out, but also rendered many men incapable of asking women out, as they otherwise would have done.
Of course, Nigeria, being a society rooted in religious, cultural and traditional values, is witnessing the avalanche of condemnation for women who opt to challenge the status quo, especially in matters relating to sex and marriage.
Such women may have attained their goals but, it seems, they have yet another long wait to endure to get their ‘bravery’ accepted as normal behaviour.
Presently, their action is, in most cases, seen as deviance from established practices.
“We have been married for three years now, but it has not been easy,” says Abigail Osaro, a resident of Lagos, who initiated the marriage proposal with her husband.
“He keeps reminding me of how I desperately wanted to marry him. I have suffered humiliation because I openly expressed how I felt about him and went further to propose marriage to him,” cried Osaro.
Despite the problems associated with women going after men, Motunarayo Idris, a mass communication graduate, said she could ask a man out on a date.
She said: “I don’t think women should continue to bury their heads in silence and accept to be oppressed. We should go for what we want, because sometimes the men don’t know what they really want.”
Motunarayo said women should remind themselves that their biological clock is ticking even as there are few men out there to marry.
However, while some people see Motunarayo’s position as a welcome development for society, others see the approach adopted by modern women as strange.
Those opposing the new approach claim that it portrays women as cheap and desperate beings who are willing to sacrifice their self-respect.
However, Ochu Chimezie, the Chief Executive Officer, Leadership Xcel, said: “A lot depends on mutual attraction, level of maturity and exposure of the guy a woman intends to propose to.”
Bar Lucky Nwankanobi, a Lagos-based lawyer, said in Africa, our cultural value system still influences our sense of reasoning. This reason, he said, may prevent most men from accepting proposals from women.
“Most men will not be comfortable with a woman proposing to them because they may feel that the woman is aggressive, desperate or has been rejected by other men,” he said.
“Men like to ‘chase’, not the other way round. When a woman is put on their bed, they don’t usually value that, no matter how good the woman is. When they spend energy and resources chasing her, it makes the whole process enjoyable. But when she comes cheap, we often times don’t value them, and a woman cannot come cheaper than when she proposes to a man,” Nwankanobi said.
He argued that the few men, who will appreciate such proposal in our society, may be men he referred to as “never-do-well”, or gigolos, saying that is not the type of man a woman will be proud to have as husband or boyfriend.
“I can understand if a lady gives the man the right signals and even incites him to propose, but not to come out overtly and ask him to marry her,” the lawyer also said.
“Even in so-called developed countries, it is not as if the woman proposes most of the time. What happens is that she gives him a kind of “I-won’t-mind” impression, then, if he is in love with her, he takes the opportunity. Most times, the man does the wooing and the chasing,” he added.
Stanley Marcus, an undergraduate of the University of Abuja, is however of the opinion that women should be encouraged to express their feelings to men.
He said: “Women should be encouraged to let men know what they want and how they feel. That could reduce the stress of trying to convince the lady to marry someone. Before a woman proposes to a man, she must have understood his financial position, family background and views about life.”
Looking at the issue from a religious perspective, an Islamic cleric based in Abuja, Abubakar Abdulrahman, said there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man to marry her. “The woman can use wisdom or send a delegate to someone she loves,” he said.
He said the woman can express her intension using signs and symbols.
 “She also has the option of sending some delegates to communicate her motive to the man, just like the first wife of Prophet Muhammad, Nana Khadijah, did,” he said.
As regards the way the man should receive such proposal, the cleric said: “It all depends on the man’s sense of judgment. He may accept it or reject it, but in a polite manner.”
He advised men to accept such proposals, saying: “There is no reason for a man, to whom such offer is made, to reject it. There is no shame in accepting a woman’s proposal. However, if it is based on material reasons, I think he has a strong reason to reject it.”
Another Islamic scholar, in Kaduna, Usman Hayatu, argues that if there is one single thing that Muslims could do to reform and revitalise Islamic culture, it is to liberate their women and provide them with their full rights  as enshrined in the religion.
He says that ensuring women’s equality is necessary for greater understanding of the religion.
A journalist, Jim Garrison of the Huffington Post (USA), in a recent article, says that the Prophet would be appalled with how women are treated and how their rights are trampled upon by society today.
He said: “This suppression is done in the name of Islamic Law, known as Shari’a. But the current suppression of women is shaped by culture and history. It has little basis in the Qur’an and it is certainly not consistent with anything we know about what Muhammad taught or how he treated women.
“Of all the founders of the great religions – Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Islam and Judaism – Muhammad was easily the most radical and empowering in his treatment of women. Arguably, he was history’s first feminist.”
Similarly, a Senior Pastor of Daystar Christian Centre, Sam Adeyemi, in one of his messages tagged: “Prepare for the Wedding,” said it was proper for a woman to express her desire to marry someone, as long as she applies wisdom.
Adeyemi related a story in the Bible (Ruth Chapter III), where Ruth was taught to propose to Boaz, whom she eventually married.
No doubt, many religions, traditions and cultures have shifted ground over the years, mainly due to global socio-economic dynamics, but whether women in Nigeria will be affected and emboldened by the development to propose marriage to men without regretting their action, only time will tell.