Shoving off the neglect in our relationships

There are times when neglect is a little more straight-forward. In some cases, one person in the relationship is fairly explicit with what they need and the other person neglects that need, either directly or indirectly. This is absolutely poisonous to a relationship. There is nothing that can make one partner resent the other faster […]

There are times when neglect is a little more straight-forward. In some cases, one person in the relationship is fairly explicit with what they need and the other person neglects that need, either directly or indirectly. This is absolutely poisonous to a relationship.

There is nothing that can make one partner resent the other faster than neglect. As we already know, we enter an intimate relationship in order to get certain needs met. When these needs are intentionally or unintentionally ignored, they cause the person whose needs are not being met to feel angry, offended, ashamed, demeaned and unsafe in the relationship. This is a terrible position to be in. When this happens, the partner who is being neglected sometimes uses this to justify having an affair.

If you are in a situation where your partner intentionally and consistently ignores your needs and shows no indication that they intend to change that behaviour, you might need to sit down, take a hard look at your relationship and assess whether it is working. It only takes one person to split up a relationship, but it takes two people actively working at it to make a relationship successful.

Neglect is an ugly and misused word. Just because a partner is busy does not mean the other is neglected. Neglect means being invisible to the other person and having one person think and act like they have no other responsibilities to anyone but themselves. Negligence in a relationship is primarily an issue of communication. You need to learn how to communicate what you need to your partner in a way that they can hear. If they consistently have neglected an issue that you have communicated in the past, then you need to discuss this as well.

Whatever your position, you need to temper your needs with a bit of reality. Understand that your needs will not be met all of the time and your partner will not be there for you at all times due to one reason or the other. People make mistakes. Your partner may fail to take care of your needs from time to time. This could even happen with issues you have discussed in the past.

Remember, when you enter an intimate relationship, you are taking all of your most important and difficult psychological issues with you. Your partner is doing the same thing. From time to time, this differing set of needs and expectations is bound to cause some friction in the relationship. This means that sometimes, needs will be ignored intentionally and unintentionally.

Relationships require work. Anyone who has been in a successful, long-term relationship will testify to this. Sometimes, you have to forgive your partner a bit. Sometimes, you have to accept them for who they are. Sometimes, you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot always get what you want, because for you as a person, you are not that perfect and you cannot expect your partner to be either. We are all imperfect human beings.

But you always need to communicate with your partner. Sometimes, this is not so easy, but the cost of not communicating is neglect. And as you have seen, neglect can destroy an otherwise good relationship. So stop neglecting your partner and stop neglecting yourself.