Simply fair game

Thanks for the compliment. You don’t look too badly yourself. I hope everything is well with you.‘ She answered, settling herself on the settee. ‘Yes everything is fine around here. So is it the new job or is another wedding in the pipeline? Something has to be behind your extra glow.’ I observed serving her […]

Thanks for the compliment. You don’t look too badly yourself. I hope everything is well with you.‘ She answered, settling herself on the settee.

‘Yes everything is fine around here. So is it the new job or is another wedding in the pipeline? Something has to be behind your extra glow.’ I observed serving her a drink.

‘No Anti Bint, there is nothing like that in the pipeline. I don’t think I have recovered enough from the pains of my divorce. Let’s just say I decided to feel good about myself and the inner glow shines out.’ My young cousin answered.

‘Maybe, but surely after two years you ought to declare your emotional fitness and move on. What is this you are saying about not having recovered enough?’ I demanded.

‘It’s not as easy as you think. Divorce is the ultimate rejection to a woman. I can’t just walk out of it as if it never happened. I need time to recover. ‘ Ladi defended herself.

‘Yes but how long? And while we are at that, what about all those admirers queuing up at home to see you? You mean you can’t find anyone suitable enough to marry? Because personally I think that is what you need to recover.’ I insisted.

‘It all depends on if they are ready to marry too Anti Bint. While I am not particularly eager to jump into matrimony again, there are times when, like you, I feel that is just what I need to get over my ex-husband. But I find out that some admirers just don’t have marriage on their agenda.’ She explained.

‘No marriage on their agenda, so what are they admiring you for?’ I asked perplexed.

‘Just the company. Some just like the company of an educated, seemingly sophisticated woman. We just tickle their fancy, so they get attracted to our independence and career pursuit…’

‘Not to talk of your beauty and fashion sense’ I interrupted.

‘Well, that too if you like’ Ladi agrees, ‘but basically settling down with you isn’t one of their plans.’ She added.

‘Surely you don’t allow such types to hang around you for long. I mean there is no room for any relationship between a man and a woman if it won’t lead to marriage.’ I argued.

‘Of course I always do, it’s just that sometimes it takes you time to know those types of admirers because they court you as ardently as the sincere ones. It’s when you try to find out about their intentions that you meet their true colours. Then if you value your worth, you just ditch them and move on.’ She said.

‘These men are amazing. Imagine trying to play with the intelligence of a woman who has been married before. Do they really think you can’t see through them?’ I asked in anger.

‘No Anti, it’s precisely because we’ve been married before that they reserve this treatment for us. To them we are like second-hand items which should be considered of little worth. So with this mind set they will come and pretend they are sincere suitors. As time goes on and you decide to scrutinise their intentions, they begin to show you that ‘Who do you think you are’ or ‘were you not the one divorced by another man’ attitude. It isn’t a nice thing really.’ Ladi lamented.

‘But just how is this attitude displayed? I mean can’t it be that it is you who have developed a complex based on your bad experience, so you tend to see every suitor’s approach as demeaning?’ i queried.

‘No no Anti Bint, there is nothing like a complex there. This is something they come out openly about. Like one admirer once said to me that I must accompany him on a business trip one weekend. When I asked where I will be staying, he looked shocked and said ‘with me of course.’ ‘But I can’t stay all alone with you’, I protested. ‘And so what’ he said, ‘I think our relationship is serious enough for us to start travelling together.’ I told him no, as long as we didn’t have any legal ties binding us together, I see no reason how I could travel out of town with him. Can you believe that he actually lost his temper? He said I should stop acting like a little girl and realise that as a divorcee, he has to know me better before making a commitment. I replied that if knowing me better means taking me on a ‘just the two of us trip’ then he can forget it. Needless to say, that ended our relationship.’ She concluded.

‘I see, then this is more serious than I think. So their belief is because you have been divorced before, you are simply fair game. They can date you and jilt you without any serious commitment.‘ I observed.

‘That is one way to look at it. Another is to say because we are divorcees, all we just want is to hook other men. Therefore in desperation we should be ready to do whatever they demand of us without any feeling of self-respect. It is when we say ‘no’ that it occurs to them that we too have our pride and moral awareness. For instance when another suitor called me some weeks ago and said he was coming into town to see me, I was looking forward to a good old-fashioned courtship visit to my parent’s home. But the guy had other plans. He called and told me when his flight was coming into town so I can go and pick him, and then told me where he had booked us a room for the night so we can ‘talk our hearts out’ he said. ‘The next few days I’m all yours because you are the only reason I am coming into town’ he proudly announced. I told him there and then that I had no time to drive all the way from home to the airport to pick him and I will certainly not be available to spend days with him in a hotel room ‘talking our my hearts out.’ Again that was what put paid to that relationship.‘ Ladi commented.

‘Are these suitors really Muslim men?’ I asked.

‘Yes, they are. At least they claim to be. But in matters like this they don’t allow any religious morality to hinder them.’ She replied dejectedly.

‘It’s really unfortunate that they can ignore their spiritual upbringing just to have their way with you. But I’m very happy that you have been standing your ground on what is right. The truth is a divorced person should be more morally upright than an unmarried one. I’m sure you know that in Islam the punishment for divorced persons is that of adultery, which is a capital offence. An unmarried is only punished for fornication, which is only a hundred lashes. So I’m glad you do not let any suitor deceive you into doing anything that regrettable. Even if nobody sees you doing it, you have a permanent bad record with God, punishable in the hereafter. So please continue what you are doing, hold your head up high and keep up your virtues, God will inshaAllah reward you with a husband who deserves your beauty and virtue. Just bear this patiently.’ I assured her.