Something better than change

Dearest darling Buhari,  I wish I could give you a hug now. All those people accusing you of knowing that Maina had come back into the country and been reinstated with security detail provided by one of our law enforcement agencies even though he is still a wanted fugitive – I know it has to […]

Dearest darling Buhari, 

I wish I could give you a hug now. All those people accusing you of knowing that Maina had come back into the country and been reinstated with security detail provided by one of our law enforcement agencies even though he is still a wanted fugitive – I know it has to be tough. But I just want to make this clear. Love means understanding. Love means empathy. Putting yourself in the other person’s expensive shoes – whether the shoes are stolen or not. My dear, it does not matter to me if you knew about Maina. What matters is that when people spoke out you sacked him. You know sometimes I go through my own archives and read a story that I can’t recognise and then it turns out I am the one who wrote it. So if I can see my own writing and not recognise it, how do people expect you to agree that you know that Maina had snuck back into the country and resumed work? 

My dear, like I keep telling everyone everywhere, you are committed to fighting corruption. And not just corruption of people you or your friends don’t like, but sometimes it is easier to start there. No one says you won’t get to people like the grasscutter guy who used to be your secretary. Like they say, better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know. 

Hmm, albishirin ka! That governor who arrested a guy who wrote something he did not like, the court awarded the victim 40 million naira in damages. Now I feel like going to Kaduna and doing him gwalo because I know he has a bad temper and forgets about things like rule of law and human rights and basic decency. Then he would arrest me because these columns annoy the hell out of him. And then I could legally make millions of naira in damages through a court order. We can become rich fa! 

So, I have been thinking of what slogan we should use for your campaign in 2019. I know you are going to win again my dear, because people have no choice but to recognise the great job you have done in uniting the country, stamping out bigotry and nepotism, fighting corruption to a standstill (all you have to do now is to carry the corruption — it is heavy — that is standing still and dump it in a burning bin), reviving the economy, building infrastructure and instilling hope in Nigerians. And for this, they will re-elect you. However, we have to take Nigerians seriously and come up with a catchy campaign slogan. It is like a friendly match. The results won’t make a difference, but you wear your jersey and play a good game regardless. 

I am thinking: “Confirmation”. Because while people are sure (except the blind wailers) that you have achieved Change and fulfilled all your campaign promises, some need to confirm that it was no fluke. And that usually takes another term. It is like going out with a really nice person you meet for the first time. You go back home and you are curious: are they really nice-nice or were they just putting on a show? Do they always smell that nice or did they borrow the perfume from their classier friend for that date? Do they always speak like that or do they sound like an Abuja or Lagos OAP trying to fake an American accent on other days? Are they always that generous or did they just spend half their salary on that one date just to impress you? You want to know all this so you go on a second date. The confirmation date. The date where you look at the other person more carefully. Preferably under brighter lights. So we can add a rider to Confirmation. Something like: “Confirmation: Because Sometimes You Need To Know That Change is Not a Fluke.” Or, “Confirmation: Because You Can Never Be Too Sure.”

I think the public will love this. I see a few people have started declaring their interests in the presidency, including that dark guy who loves burning books. Darling you know I am a writer and we can’t let a guy who burns books become president in our country. Not that I think he can challenge you, my dear. He is only a pencil in your hands. You can do with him as you please. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. Release him, his wife and his people. I know you want to. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever

Elnathan John

The columnist will write a new piece next week