Sorry Lai Mohammed, I’m coming home

It reminds me daily that there is no place like home. Home where politricians don’t give a damn who is dying and who is resurrecting, except it affects declarations. Home, where ambitions come before the nation.October 22 – I was kitting myself in preparation for bear hunting. Hunting happens here, but there is no automatic […]

It reminds me daily that there is no place like home. Home where politricians don’t give a damn who is dying and who is resurrecting, except it affects declarations. Home, where ambitions come before the nation.
October 22 – I was kitting myself in preparation for bear hunting. Hunting happens here, but there is no automatic license to maul down everything that moves. You cannot believe how many times I have had to concede my bike path to scraggy squirrels demanding their right of way. In Naija, such bestial insolence is an open invitation to the family soup pot. But because Canada annoys, I am not allowed to even scare squirrels. They roam free in my garden and folks go to the parks to feed them with the peanuts that would have helped drown my gari.
So I was wearing my hunting boots and waiting for my friend who is licensed to kill bears while browsing through the day’s television headlines. It was early morning, and because the Canadian weather can be as predictable as a Naija politrician, I needed to know whether to layer up or dress down for the expedition. Without a firearms or hunting license, I would have to watch the kill, if any from a distance and I was looking forward to this.
The journey to the woods would take a few hours off the Canadian capital, Ottawa where politicians had recently annoyed me with municipal campaigns. In that campaign, Jim Watson, the Mayor of Ottawa and other candidates denigrated public office by knocking from door-to-door, campaigning for votes. Of course, I locked my door on their faces. How can a big man knock on the door of an inconsequential person without siren, police orderly or armed escort? To increase the mileage of annoyance, each candidate left a signed note in my letterbox. If you saw FCT Emir, Malam Mungu on your doorstep in Kado, would you not be afraid? Of course, that would mean your enemies have finally located you.
An item on the television screen transfixed me. An unknown gunman was running amuck in downtown Ottawa. He shot and killed a sentry at the cenotaph of the Unknown Soldier before rushing towards the Parliament where he met his mortal match in Kevin Vickers, the Sergeant at Arms. At the time, the news was just breaking and with no idea how many gunmen were out there, thoughts of hearing ‘Fellow Canadians’ on the radio occupied my mind. After all, the state broadcaster, CBC, the equivalent of our own NTA or Radio Naija is just a stone throw from both venues.
The shock could have sent me to the emergency room, because only two weeks earlier, I had watched and filmed the colourful change of guards and shared it on Instagram – imagine the wings I’ve grown. Imagine me walking to the memorial arcade in Abuja with my stupid phone in hand, filming the change of guards there? Only in April, Onimisi Claxton closed his Twitter account after landing in jail for filming and ‘broadcasting’ army onslaught against insurgents targeting Yellow House? No sir, I won’t even try it in Jonestown. But I did in Ottawa and know what! I was not alone, even tourists joined me and, dare I say for those who know how cowardly I am, that they emboldened me too.
The entire saga annoyed me as it did Canadians because it could have been me, except that it’s not my portion. I was angry because within seconds, the entire downtown area was locked down, including the schools my children attended. But a part of me was angry at not having the opportunity to witness the bear hunt. The siege was lifted without a single innocent person arrested. The shooter was shot dead and Ottawa though sombre continued life with patriotism at its height.
I was waiting for the opposition to cash in and blame Stephen Harper’s conservative government for the lacklustre security and with elections close by to say they would have clairvoyantly prevented the attack. They disappointed me. Both Tim Hudak and Tom Mulcair, national opposition leaders rallied round their prime minister and their nation condemning the attack and hailing the hero who took down the terrorist. Their speeches were moving. Last week as the nation marked Remembrance Day, commemorative red ribbons sold a million above projection as people rose in solidarity with the uniformed men and women who secure this nation. In Naija, Lai Mohammed just told the nation that his party will wait until it seizes power to negotiate a ‘real truce’ with the terrorists responsible for killing thousands of our people, including school children. So I am coming home before I lose my reasoning.