Species, size, appetite of JAMB snake

I cannot conceal my disappointment with Prof Ishaq Oloyede and JAMB management for failing, refusing or otherwise neglecting to include me in the committee they set up to determine the species, size, appetite, temperament, feeding habits and likely physiological disorientation of the snake that swallowed N36million at its Makurdi office. I urge Oloyede to turn […]

I cannot conceal my disappointment with Prof Ishaq Oloyede and JAMB management for failing, refusing or otherwise neglecting to include me in the committee they set up to determine the species, size, appetite, temperament, feeding habits and likely physiological disorientation of the snake that swallowed N36million at its Makurdi office. I urge Oloyede to turn away the snake charmers that Senator Shehu Sani brought to assist in the investigation. I was once attached to a snake charmer for research purposes and for several weeks he failed to apprehend the puff adder we were looking for. I noticed that he had a crooked pinkie finger on his right hand. When I asked him how he got it, he looked at me intently and said, “bacin rana!” [A bad day; meaning he was bitten by a snake].

Just because I was a small lecturer while Professor Oloyede was a Vice Chancellor does not mean he should write off my experience as the teacher of UG 300 level course Chordate Biology. This very important course taught about the biology of lancelets, tunicates, fish, amphibians, reptiles, birds and mammals. Reptiles include turtles, tortoises, crocodiles, alligators, caimans, gavials, lizards, snakes and the extinct dinosaurs. Since I am still hopeful that JAMB and EFCC will see reason and come looking for my expert services in this matter, I did not wait to sign a juicy contract but have already commenced my investigation in order to determine the attributes and motivations of this snake that caused such a national uproar. In the wake of this uproar businessmen, market women and politicians all over Nigeria are spreading bitter kola around their vaults and deposit boxes in order to ward off snakes.

Our first task is to determine the species of snake that invaded JAMB’s office. There are 81 species of snake in Nigeria; my professor once told me that only 11 of them are poisonous. So if you encounter a snake in Nigeria, the chances are 86.5% that it is not poisonous. Some sceptical readers will however say when I encounter a snake, how do I know that it is not the 13.5% off chance that it is poisonous? There are certain indicators, such as what we biologists call “warning colours” but if you don’t know these colours, you should better vote with your feet. 

Snakes bite for only two reasons: food and defence. Snakes bite people mostly when they step on them. If you step on a poisonous snake, it might decide to deliver to you a “dry bite,” that is, bite you without injecting the poison. This is because it has either squandered its poison elsewhere, made a mistake in coordinating between biting and injecting poison, or because it decided not to waste its poison on you because you are too big to be eaten. A snake is not foolish. When it moves about shooting out its forked tongue, it is “smelling” for other animals and also detecting heat emitted by a warm-bloodied animal. The snake can determine both the direction and size of the animal nearby. If it is too big to be eaten, the snake will change direction. Now, for a snake’s forked tongue to detect either the smell or heat emitted by a sack of money, locate its direction and size, stealthily approach and swallow it suggests that something went wrong with the snake’s biological set up. 

Mint naira notes have a sweet smell but they do not ordinarily emit heat, not being what we call homoeothermic or “warm blooded” in Biology. In fact naira notes do not have blood, as far as I know, apart from the single mercury strand that The Mint inserts in a note as proof that it is genuine. I suspect that the naira notes at JAMB’s Makurdi office were freshly minted. Naira notes rolling off the Mint are quite warm. It must be that heat that deceived our dear snake, which mistook the JAMB money for food and swallowed it. Since this event happened in Benue, maybe herdsmen had a hand in it. Benue is the Ground Zero of herdsmen’s activities; it could be that the naira notes were transported to Makurdi on the backs of cattle. A cow’s backside is very warm and the offloaded naira notes will be emitting heat long after the cow crossed back into Nasarawa State to feed and drink because of the Anti Open Grazing Law. 

The puzzle is, most snakes in Nigeria feed on grasshoppers, mice and rats and could not possibly swallow a wad of naira notes. In any case, snakes first sneak up on a moving animal, strike it dead before they begin to swallow. If it is a python, it would first wrap the animal in a coil and squeeze it to death before it swallows. My fear for Mrs Philomena Chieshe’s account is if a python wraps a sack of money in its coils and it does not sense movement, it would simply uncoil and move on. After all, the Benue State Assembly has not yet banned open grazing by snakes in the Benue River valley.

We must now determine the snake’s size. The largest snake in Nigeria is the African Rock Python, sometimes called Sheba’s python because the biblical Queen of Sheba kept them as pets. I do not know if our sister Mrs Philomena Chieshe’s name was mentioned in the Bible, which could explain why she is attractive to snakes. Now, one Nigerian man has already stated that the size of a sack containing N36m depends on whether the money is in N1,000 or N500 notes. If it is in what Abeokuta market women call “one with two heads” [i.e. N1000], then N36m is only 360 wads of notes. A six foot python might be able to swallow this sack whole. If the money was in N500 notes then we are talking of 720 wads. A rock python may have trouble swallowing 720 wads, unless it fed fat on River Benue banks after the cows left. 

Quite possibly, this JAMB snake was imported from abroad. It could either be a Reticulated Python imported from Asia,                                                                                                                                        or a Giant Anaconda imported from Brazil’s Amazon jungle. Either of these pythons could grow to be as long as Dangote Cement truck. To them, JAMB’s sack of money is but a small snack. I really pity our sister Mrs. Philomena Chieshe because her racing to the Police Station to seek help will be of little use. Even before the current fuel scarcity, most police patrol vehicles that you see parked by the roadside have no fuel in their tanks. So, before the police can get a few gallons of fuel and race to JAMB’s office, the python would have digested the money. 

A python has one of the most powerful stomach juices in the Animal Kingdom. Unlike a human stomach that could be upset by a meal of beans, a python’s stomach can digest bone, hair, horns and hooves. When a python swallows an animal, all that is left after some hours is a tiny drop of excrement. Such a stomach will make short work of JAMB’s naira notes including the paper, colours, pictures, wrappers and mercury. Sorry Professor Oloyede; your N36m is now but a drop of python faeces. And you must still pay me for this consultancy service.