Standing for 69

Dearest Buhari, I just read in this newspaper that you stood for a whole 69 minutes to deliver your speech in front of the National Assembly. You don’t know how proud of you I am. Sixty-nine minutes fa! I wish you had done just one more minute, though. Because 70 is so much cooler than […]

Dearest Buhari,

I just read in this newspaper that you stood for a whole 69 minutes to deliver your speech in front of the National Assembly. You don’t know how proud of you I am. Sixty-nine minutes fa! I wish you had done just one more minute, though. Because 70 is so much cooler than 69. I only say this because as someone who cares deeply about you, I want you to do better. But trust me, 69 is great. I love it, the sound of it, how it looks on the page. Sixty-nine is not a bad number, just that 70 is better. I have no doubt that as we begin the campaign for 2019, you will stand for 100 minutes or more. Because you are full of energy.  

So, I was reading The Guardian and they have alleged that Amina Mohammed signed piles of permits for illegal logs owned by Chinese companies and that there was an allegation of staff of the ministry collecting bribes of up to one million dollars to facilitate this. My dear, I am not telling you this for gossip. I just want you to be careful the papers you sign O! Someone who wants to bring you down can just sneak in an illegal paper and make you approve something you have no knowledge about. I know they allege that she signed thousands of papers, but it is possible she did not know. 

My dear, I am not very happy with you O! So you have seen what Governor Rochas is doing with his erections in Owerri. First, he erected a statue for President Zuma. Now he has another erection for President Sirleaf of Liberia. When will you give me an erection, preferably in Abuja? Rochas doesn’t listen to naysayers when it comes to letting the world see the erections for people he likes. Don’t you like me? Can’t you erect something for me? How much would it cost? I know the economy is bad, but the Federal Government is not as broke as the Imo State Government, which is owing a few salaries. So really darling, why is there no erection for me? It is never too late to remedy this. 

So, it is a few weeks now since you chose a new Secretary to the Government. You have also cleared the last guy of any criminal wrongdoing. So I don’t understand. Is it that you just did not like him? Or he did not actually do anything wrong. But you know even if you caught him with his hand in the cookie jar, I completely support you sweeping the case under the carpet because, think of it: they say it is a small fly that ruins the entire oil bottle. A small case like that can make you look bad and make people ask embarrassing questions. So even if he is a criminal, it is better to just let him go. 

So that whistleblower who showed us the way to the money in the flat in Ikoyi, the EFCC says he is now a millionaire. But then, some people who know him say he has spent weeks in detention and was treated like a criminal. Can you help me find out what really happened? Because if it is true that the EFCC called him mad and took him to Yaba Left for like one month, then it is not good O! I can see how a poor man walking into the offices of the EFCC to say he knows where N13 billion is being hidden can sound like a mad person. So maybe the EFCC should just apologise and give him his 5per cent and let him enjoy his sanity. Because keeping him in his poverty after all that harassment can kuku make him mad. A lot of the time, poverty masquerades as madness. 

My dear, I don’t mean to be pushy, but now that Mugabe is making Grace Mugabe his vice president, do you think it is out of place for us to talk about your vice president in 2019? I know Osinbajo has been a good guy and totally non-threatening, isn’t it time to let him go back to his legal practice in Lagos? I promise that I will be a good vice president. Imagine a vice president that cooks and cleans. We can travel together and you won’t need to travel with the kitchen staff. Also, I think as two tall people who love wearing white, we will look great together. Think about it and about our slogan for the 2019 campaign, to which you have not replied. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. Release him, his wife and his people. I know you want to. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever

Elnathan John