Stepmothering in the right direction
A topic discussed on a radio programme last week centred on what people feel about stepmothers. A lot of questions and allegations propped up on how wicked and inhumane some stepmothers could be, to the extent that some said stepmothers are born to be wicked. Others, however disagreed, arguing that there are many stepmothers out […]
A topic discussed on a radio programme last week centred on what people feel about stepmothers. A lot of questions and allegations propped up on how wicked and inhumane some stepmothers could be, to the extent that some said stepmothers are born to be wicked. Others, however disagreed, arguing that there are many stepmothers out there who should not be castigated for the sin of others.
Being a stepmother definitely has its ups and downs. Many say stepmothering is a thankless task because no matter what you try to do it just would not please the kids or even your spouse and not to talk of the other woman (the real mother of the kids). Stepmothering can be a stressful, hard and difficult role. While some are fortunate to have a close bonding relationship with the kids and their mother many struggle with the role of trying to fit in. But in reality, with little care and patience, stepmothers can play a very positive role in the family and especially in the lives of their step kids.
Whatever circumstance you find yourself in, it is very important to be patient. Stepmothering has always been a difficult role because those who find themselves in it these shoes are always taking the wrong steps and direction in trying to implement their presence in the lives of those that they met in the family they are step-parenting. “I think the biggest mistake most stepmothers make is trying to make the step family just like the nuclear family and taking sides with their spouse ( the father of the kids) if there is a misunderstanding between the kids and their fathers” says Dr. Peter Marshall.
Slow and steady, they say, win the race, so it is with being a stepmother. It would be only sensible and appropriate to take it slow in trying to fit in to the live so of the kids and co-wife so that there is no unnecessary resentment, gradually getting involved in their lives will pay off positively. Trying to impose the traditional step parenting method by imposing new laws for the kids in the home will only backfire, no matter the good intentions, there is the need to study the kids and create a comfortable and peaceful relationship with them first. Another area where there seems too much friction is the area of discipline. Psychologist Dr. Aisha Bello of Nasarawa State University, feels one of the greatest mistakes a stepmother makes is taking the role of a disciplinarian. She says her one piece advice is for stepmothers to follow the lead of the biological parent, “you could support, nurture and be a friend to the kids but leave the disciplining to the biological parent of the children.”
With a lot of patience and endurance you are sure to cross the bridge as a stepmother. The most important thing is that you do not overstep your boundaries and do not try to replace their mother. Trying to do this can only send signals that you are the reason why their mother left in the first place or is having problems with their father. You could be a very close confidant and friend to them. “My stepmother is one person I would never forget in life, she always endured with patience even when we pushed her against her will and tried to make life unbearable for her. She never reciprocated negatively; she always showed us love and made sure we had the best. I always regret the pain we made her go through and keep asking for her forgiveness and blessing” says Maria of her stepmother.
If you are willing, determined and patient you will, as a stepmother, see light at the end of the tunnel and all the pains might as well be worth the effort.