…STILL ON STRIKE!

I’m sure some students don’t believe we REALLY are on strike. How else could one email me to further explain the assignment I gave before strike? So I read the email and promptly marked it UNREAD. Many of you readers also think we are not serious, that’s it’s the pay and not the principle. In […]

I’m sure some students don’t believe we REALLY are on strike. How else could one email me to further explain the assignment I gave before strike? So I read the email and promptly marked it UNREAD. Many of you readers also think we are not serious, that’s it’s the pay and not the principle. In that case, I’m today inflicting you with some of what we go through every day, courtesy Readers’ Digest : 

HONOR AMONG THIEVES A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils. “It’s not the money – it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

LITERACY TESTING: My son, a high school senior, went to take a national literacy test recently. A sign on the classroom door read “Literacy Testing in Progress: Do Not Distrub!”

WELL WISHERS: For 98 percent of the students at the school where my wife teaches, English is a second language. But that didn’t stop them from giving her Christmas cards. Still, their enthusiasm for the occasion sometimes exceeded their grasp of English. Among the many cards that flooded her desk were: “Happy Birthday, Grandma,” “Get Well Soon,” and “Congratulations on Passing Your Driving Test!”

LIBRARY TIME: Teacher: Mira went to the library at 5:15 and left at 6:45. How long was Mira at the library? Student: Not long. 

FRIENDLY REMINDER: During my first meeting with my physically challenged students, I assured them that most people are handicapped in some way. “Look at me,” I said. “My eyes are so bad I need to wear glasses. Because I can barely hear, I need a hearing aid. And look at my ears-they’re much bigger than they should be.” From the back, a boy added, “And your nose too.”

AMONG THE LIVING : Interviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?” The student thinks it over, then answers, “The living one.” 

IT’S TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL!: Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!” 

NOT A BOOKWORM: The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband’s co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. “I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said. “Which one?” she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”

VCR Skills: While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, “Does anyone remember what these mean?” A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. “One means fast-forward,” he exclaimed, “and the other means rewind!”

BAD GRADES: Parents are justifiably upset when their children don’t get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D’s, I explained that her daughter just wasn’t as “competitive” as the admitted class. “Why doesn’t she try another school for a year and then transfer?” I suggested. “Another school!” exclaimed Mom. “Have you seen her grades?” 

GRAMMAR LESSON: Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer, who recognized me as his former English teacher. “Mrs. Brown,” he said, “those stop signs are periods, not commas.”

HARD WORKER: A police car with flashing lights pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally, the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. “I think you’ve paid your debt to society,” he concluded with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket. 

PREACHING TO THE CHOIR: A friend was assigned a new post teaching English to inmates in prison. Feeling a little nervous on his first day, he began by asking the class a basic question: “Now, who can tell me what a sentence is?”

A KID WITH A DREAM: For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”

SPOTTED ON FACEBOOK…:Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

FOR MY NEXT IMPRESSION…: I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you do remember me?” I asked. “Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”

WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered. “Umm…Do you know what pregnant means?” “Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

THANKS, I THINK: I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone.”

MARK TWAIN QUOTE: After a day of listening to my eighth graders exchange gossip, I decided to quote Mark Twain to them: “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” After considering my words, one of my students asked, “What does it mean to remove all doubt?”

PLAGIARISM: At a planning meeting at my college, I congratulated a colleague on producing some superb student-guidance notes explaining how to combat plagiarism. “How long did it take you to write them?” I asked. “Not long,” he said. “I copied them from another university’s website.” 

A GOOD CHOICE: There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of “(D) none of the above,” it said “(D) one of the above.” So I circled it.

AN I.Q. TOO HIGH TO BUY: A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

GOOD ENGLISH: My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”