Stop Goshin Bauna project

Maikaho stood up, walked over to the television set and reduced the volume, then walked over to the curtain and drew it to one side, before he now lighted his cigarette and resumed his seat. “I am glad to hear that,” he said. “I asked you that question because I see that you are handling […]

Maikaho stood up, walked over to the television set and reduced the volume, then walked over to the curtain and drew it to one side, before he now lighted his cigarette and resumed his seat. “I am glad to hear that,” he said. “I asked you that question because I see that you are handling politics as if it is one of your civil service assignments. You want to do everything gently and to follow rules, and you are assuming that other people will do the same. I must remind you that we are in a different game right now. Politics is totally different from civil service. Here there are no rules, no code of conduct, no financial regulations, no vouchers and no auditors. The only thing is winning. If you are ready to do the things that will make us to win, fine. Otherwise we are just wasting our time here.”
Alhaji Gohe did not say anything but Maikaho’s sidekick Tsinin Kusa was nodding vigorously in agreement. Maikaho had paused to smoke his cigarette so I said, “Maikaho, since we started this project what was it that you ever said we should do which I didn’t do?” Maikaho stamped out the cigarette, crossed his legs and uncrossed them again. “Ok,” he said. “Since you said you are ready to start playing politics properly, I want us to start from today. We are going to stop Goshin Bauna from becoming a minister. You know why? Because the easiest way for us to make you the governor in 2015 is if you become the minister this year. That way we will solve most of our problems of money, security, connection, influence, protocol, logistics, publicity etc. However, even if we cannot make you the minister, we must at least stop Goshin Bauna from becoming the minister so that he does not get those same advantages and use them in the party primary next year. Am I clear?”
We all agreed to make this project our top priority for now. “What steps should we take to actualize this project?” we all asked. Maikaho stood up and walked to the window. He then pulled out a small piece of paper from his pocket. “Number one,” he said, “we will try to blackmail the governor to drop his nomination. We will spread the rumour that Goshin Bauna is secretly working against the governor and that he held a secret meeting in Abuja with Senator Tanimu, who is the governor’s bitter enemy.” Maikaho moved over to another window. “Secondly,” he said, “if the governor does not drop him and if the president nominates him, we will send petitions to EFCC, ICPC, media houses, human rights groups, foreign embassies and the National Assembly alleging corruption on his part. The Kullume to Karkashi road contract is enough. I have some boys in the Ministry of Works who will steal the entire file. He was also involved in financial scandal when he was selling ginger in Lagos. He supplied many trailer loads of ginger to a foreign company that turned out to be rotten and he ran away with the money. One newspaper carried the story but Goshin Bauna bought all the copies and destroyed them. We will get that edition of the newspaper to be reprinted.”
 “Number three,” Maikaho said, looking intently at his piece of paper, “Goshin Bauna cannot pass Senate screening. The diploma that he said he got from Hungary is fake. Somebody told me that what is written on the certificate is that he can drive a tractor, but because it is written in their language he presented it during his screening for commissioner and said it was a certificate in agricultural engineering. Two of the senators from this state do not like Goshin Bauna. They will insist that the certificate must be taken to the embassy for proper translation.”
“Finally,” Maikaho said, and this time he was smiling broadly. “Goshin Bauna did a sex scandal. He fathered a daughter out of wedlock. Magajiya told me he got the child from one woman who has since left for her hometown. I can send Magajiya to bring the woman back, together with the daughter. Magajiya said as soon as you see the child you know that she is Goshin Bauna’s daughter. Her nose, her forehead and her large ears are exactly like his own.” We all laughed hilariously at that description. I was very happy with Maikaho’s ingenious plan and after a brief discussion, I endorsed it.
Alhaji Gohe however sounded a note of caution. He said, “I agree entirely that we should pursue this project to stop Goshin Bauna. If we allow him to become the minister, then we can hardly stop him from becoming the governor in 2015. The only thing I want to say is this. [He cleared his throat]. We must be frank with ourselves, not so? I know Goshin Bauna very well; he is not a pushover in politics. The thing we are doing here, he can also do it. I am just being frank. Should I continue?” I was seeing where my brother-in-law was going but we all said, “Yes Alhaji Gohe, please continue!”
He again cleared his throat before he said, “I am just thinking, what if Goshin Bauna launches a similar project against Alhaji? They can go to all the ministries where you worked and begin stealing vouchers, even though I know Alhaji is clean. Like that sex scandal, do you think we should use it? When Alhaji and I were young men in this town, people were saying many things about us. What if they now go and collect those stories and begin spreading rumours against our candidate? It is not that we did anything very bad that time but you know in politics, rumours could be deadly. That is my only worry.”