Struggle to become a minister

I had barely heard the story on a repeat radio bulletin when I heard the distinct engine sound of Maikahon Karo’s red Volkswagen Golf car pull up in front of my house. I heard two banging of the doors; within a minute the sound of Maikaho’s shuffling feet could be heard as he walked into […]

I had barely heard the story on a repeat radio bulletin when I heard the distinct engine sound of Maikahon Karo’s red Volkswagen Golf car pull up in front of my house. I heard two banging of the doors; within a minute the sound of Maikaho’s shuffling feet could be heard as he walked into the sitting room, his sidekick Tsinin Kusa following closely behind.
“Alhamdu lillahi,” Maikaho said even as he sat down. “Allah is already answering our prayers. Eleven vacancies in the Federal cabinet! This is our chance. When you become a minister, it is the best stepping stone for our governorship project. Simple! All the people who are now saying they do not know you, they will stop talking like that once you become a minister. At every occasion, once they call the Governor, the next person they will call is the minister, so you are already close by. Also, you will rest from spending your own money. We all know how difficult it is for you, paying for everything in this campaign. When you become the minister, money will just flow, your own cars will rest, your pocket will rest, your wives too will rest because government will pay for your domestic servants, and there will be many assistants and police orderlies all around you.”
Tsinin Kusa then took over. He always finds the words to continue whenever Maikaho pauses. He said, “You will also rest from the burden of those of us who are following you. Instead of dipping your hand into your pocket every time to assist the people who are following you, all you have to do when you become a minister is to award contract. The last minister from this state was doing a lot of that; all his followers were going to Abuja and coming back with a lot of money. They will just get a contract paper and sell it right there outside the ministry. Real contractors are standing there ready to buy the papers, and you will just collect your own commission and come back home. One of the minister’s followers, after he sold the contract paper and came back home, the Perm Sec sent for him and told him to bring back the paper because the minister had approved a variation in the contract. He ran back to Abuja looking for the Ibo man who bought it but he could not find him. He came back here very angry with himself.”
At that point I interjected. I said, “Maikaho, thank you very much for this suggestion, but how can I become a minister? Number one, I have not even formally joined the ruling party. You know we decided to wait for sometime before deciding which party to join, to see where the wind is blowing. If I go now and say I want to become a minister, they will say I am not a party member.” “That one is easy!” Maikaho quickly said. “All the other people who became ministers, were they party members? People were even brought from World Bank to become minister. Even here, the last person that they picked to become the minister, was he not a university lecturer? When did he become a party member? All that is required is to get a membership card, which I can get for you before sunset today, and we get the ward chairman to backdate it. He has one old register of party members where he left 10 blank spaces for 2007, where he can add the names of people like you.”
I had to laugh at this ward-level political ingenuity, but I still said, “Maikaho, there is another problem. None of the ministers that were sacked is from Tafki State. The minister from our state is still there, so how can I say I want to become a minister?” “Haba Alhaji!” Maikaho said. “No minister was removed from this state but the minister representing our geopolitical zone was removed. Don’t you know that? A replacement can be picked from any state in this zone. Once we gather the right political force, it is you who will get the seat. Straight!”
I didn’t think of that. I am beginning to like the idea. So I said, “That is true o! Now, what can we do to get this ministerial job? Who and who can we talk to?” By now Maikaho had got a stick of Benson & Hedges in his hand and was soon puffing away. He said, “That is the question I want you to ask! You see, in this town, there are two people who can get the ministerial job for us. One is the Governor and the other is the Emir. The governor has his own candidate; he wants to promote his Commissioner of Works to become the minister because he may be grooming him to take over from him. As for the Emir, he has his own direct channels to Abuja but he also has many candidates. However, he is easier to deal with. We were lucky that we went and greeted him during Ramadan and he already likes you. Even yesterday he asked after you. We should corner the emir. There are three people he listens to in this town. Whatever these three people say, the emir does not cross it. One of them is the Galadima who was his childhood friend. The second one is his son-in-law Alhaji Gohe, while the third one is Malam Na-Ketare, his personal malam. We can get all these three to go to the emir and insist that he must support you. Once we do that, you are in the cabinet. Straight!”