Switch: Press this button and get your child to do anything!

My daughter is still the queen of England, the yeller-in-chief, Baba’s baby and the commander of the household rolled into one tiny body.  Thus, the tactics we’ve developed (sometimes on the go) to mold and shape our children, work more with her hapless seven-year old brother than her majesty.  Therefore, except for some occasional “no,” […]

My daughter is still the queen of England, the yeller-in-chief, Baba’s baby and the commander of the household rolled into one tiny body. 

Thus, the tactics we’ve developed (sometimes on the go) to mold and shape our children, work more with her hapless seven-year old brother than her majesty. 

Therefore, except for some occasional “no,” we have decided to accommodate her eccentricities and kill her with love and hugs – at least for now. 

Except that I think we’ve discovered her magic button too. This button, a switch if you will, when flipped, can get your child to do anything. Anything.

So make it your life mission to find it, exploit it, tweak it, and direct behavior at will. I find it incredible how much we’re able to get our son to do just by flipping the switch. In fact, I feel it is the best practical parental tool we’ve ever discovered. 

What is this secret? Let me give you a background. 

Once in Abuja, my uncle wanted to play with my then one year-old daughter. In doing so, he also wanted to know what she was afraid of, sort of her bogeyman. So that the mother could scare her with it to calm her down or to arrest a tantrum. “She is not afraid of anything,” the mother said, “except goats.”

Later, this got me thinking. Why don’t we ask for what the children like, to use as a motivator not only to encourage good behavior, but also to stop bad ones?  The bogeyman works.  As a tool, it can be used to stop children’s crazy behaviour.  But wouldn’t its opposite also work?  Additionally, the bogeyman is almost always a lie.  “If you don’t stop crying, the monster will come and get you.  That monster is coming.  It’s behind this door!”  A mother might say.

Of course, no monster is coming to get the girl.  And it’s not behind the door.  Actually, there’s no monster.  This strategy is not only a lie, but it induces fear and may lead to nightmares.  I chose not to lie to my children or give them bad dreams.

In the case of our son, we didn’t want to use his fears as that magic wand to wave in order to get him to do the parents’ bidding. In fact we encourage him to be as fearless as possible – of course within reason. Therefore, he rides horses, couldn’t wait to get the training wheels off his bicycle and sleeps in his room alone.

So, instead of searching for his monster, we sought the opposite.  Something he loves.  A magical tool that when you wave, will be a powerful motivator for him to do something.

However, his likes or addictions seem to be changing. Before he used to like tablets.  He’s gone through, two Apple iPads, one Samsung and a Lenovo tablets.  Now he likes TV. 

And that’s our switch for him at this moment. With the promise of watching it or the threat of withdrawal of the privilege, we get him to do or stop. 

In the second part of this, we will discuss how we got our son (by simply pressing the button) to improve his handwriting from chicken tracks to writing cursive, pay attention in reading and develop fluency (he used to articulate words that were not on the page on account of lack of attention), to say assalamu alaikum and wait for permission before entering any room (he used to barge in, not because he intended that, but because he used to forget, now he doesn’t), how to regulate his own TV sessions and keep time (he used to watch TV a few minutes beyond his bed time, now he doesn’t and he has no excuse because he wears a wristwatch), he’s also learned responsibility.  

For example, he wouldn’t watch TV until he gets permission from his parents – wherever they are. We hope that this would generalize to other areas: he wouldn’t touch anyone’s property without permission.

We will also share what Jose Mourinho, the Manchester United manager, has got to do with this magic button; and how he turned on the switch on the most influential player in Spain.

I’ll also tell you how we found her majesty’s button and how we use it to direct her behaviour.