Taking steps to move beyond hurt

The ability to move beyond a deep hurt and to let down one’s guard after a hurt or heartbreak in any relationship can be overwhelming initially. You find yourself constantly going over and over the situation that brought you such grief. In the process, you are justifying every reason why you should never speak or […]

The ability to move beyond a deep hurt and to let down one’s guard after a hurt or heartbreak in any relationship can be overwhelming initially. You find yourself constantly going over and over the situation that brought you such grief. In the process, you are justifying every reason why you should never speak or set eyes on the one who hurt you.

For some, the pain is deeper when it is caused by someone they have deeply cared for and not expecting such an act from him or her.

Many are afraid of getting involved again after a collapsed relationship. Some feel anger and bitterness, but beneath these is fear. You have been hurt and are afraid of being hurt again, so you stop trusting.

Moving on is easier said than done. If you experienced real pain and disappointment, there is no way you’ll want to open your heart to forgiveness. You may be able to tolerate the presence of the person around you, but there is no way that relationship will ever remain the same. It is just not possible; especially when you have made a lot of sacrifices and given your all, only to be roundly disappointed like a bad slap across the face.

Even in such situations, marriage counselor, Mrs. Angela Ibiam advises that no matter how deeply you hurt or how sore the thought of such a person is to you, if you allow yourself, you can gradually get back to loving such a person and relating with him/her without painfully remembering it.

“Little drops of water, they say, make a mighty ocean. The same little steps towards learning to love again can heal a broken and deeply hurting heart. You should not consider opening yourself up to loving again an overwhelming task because it is achievable and many who have built such walls of bricks have successfully broken them down through a step-by-step healing and recovery process. They have been able to let go of the past and forged ahead.

“Usually in situations like this, the first step to letting go off those protective walls is to first begin by appreciating yourself and who you are especially in a case where it is pain that has undermined you and your worth. This will give you the strength to stop blaming yourself for your role in whatever it is that befell you as well as help you toloosen up.”

EHow.com in an article, ‘How to love again’, points out that, “you are a very worthy person; you were put on this earth to be loved and you deserve it. At the point where you may not feel too lovable, you must realize, even though you are probably feeling miserable, somebody in this world still loves you. I am sure you realize the loving qualities within yourself even at your lowest point. I cannot tell you the magical way to love yourself but I do know that loving yourself is a very important part of recovery. You must love yourself first before you can love somebody else again.” They recommend the following steps to loving again:

The first one must understand that the walls that we build around our hearts are not concrete, yet at times, they are as strong. The walls that we build up to protect ourselves from the hurts that we have experienced, are not meant to be permanent walls, but only a temporary fix.

Grieve your losses. Before you will be ready to love again, you need to heal the pain that your lost love has inflicted. Whether you lost your love through a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, your lost love left emotional wounds. Grieve your losses so you will free yourself to love again.

Recognize the need to love again. Loving others is one of the most basic needs of human existence. Without love, life is meaningless. While you might need to take some time to lick your emotional wounds, closing up your heart to love will make your life seem empty.

Decide that loving again is worth the risk. While you are still in the grieving process, your heart might feel too fragile to take the risk of loving again. However, as you grieve your loss and become more emotionally healthy, you will move toward being ready to open up your heart again.

Love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy. If you go out looking for love to fill a hole in your heart, then you are much more likely to attract someone who wants to take advantage of you. However, if you come from the perspective of having lots of love to give, then you will attract a similar person.

Think about what you want in a new relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking in a new relationship. Make it a point to progress in this relationship, and don’t fall into old patterns just because they are comfortable.

Let the love come to you. Don’t go out looking for “Mr. Right” in places where singles congregate. Instead, get involved in activities which you enjoy that bring you into contact with people who have the same interests. Whether you do this through a church, a bowling league or a city tennis club, get involved in your community in a positive manner.

Ease into a new relationship slowly. Do not try to replace the lost relationship. Instead, allow a new one to grow and blossom in its own way.