Taming the control freak
People would readily say such feat is not possible nowadays. True as this may sound, but there are families or husbands and wives who have spent upwards of 30 years and are still living together and happily for that matter in today’s world where divorce is almost like a pass time now. What was it […]
People would readily say such feat is not possible nowadays. True as this may sound, but there are families or husbands and wives who have spent upwards of 30 years and are still living together and happily for that matter in today’s world where divorce is almost like a pass time now.
What was it that parties in long lasting marriages did to achieve that uncommon feat today? Without going too far, a reference to the holy books expose mankind to God’s admonition that marriage is an institution not just ordained by Him, but has set norms that must be upheld if parties in the union are to have peace in living together. There are other admonitions such as respect for one another, husband being the head of the family and wife as a both adviser and helper. She is also a comforter and asked to be submissive to her husband. Do we need to be told that these simple heavenly counsels had since been thrown to the dogs? There was no part of the Holy Scriptures where a woman should control her husband, except the other way round.
Therefore, are we surprised that most matrimonial homes are war theatres today? However, many couples experience conflicts, which can temporarily weaken their safe feeling or ability to trust. In contrast to these transitory stresses on marital trust are the difficulties which arise when a spouse manifests ongoing controlling and dominating behaviours.
The tendency to control a spouse can evolve slowly in response to hurts or character weakness or it could be present at the very beginning of the marriage. The tendency to be a control freak is common with women as they always want to not just to be aware of all the activities of our spouse, but to equally direct them. Though, this is not to say one should not show concern for one’s spouse by asking about him/her whereabouts, but it should be done with consideration and limitation. Deciding when your spouse comes back from office or an occasion or who he hangs out with is having the tendency to be a controlling wife. For many women managing the home, it is a normal thing and they tend to carry that control into the lives of their spouses neglecting the fact that it can mean meddlesomeness in many ways. This only creates a strain on the relationship.
Many women do not start controlling or dominating their husbands suddenly, it develops over time either because of insecurities they face in the relationship, stress of the marriage or the natural instinct to take control of things in the home. As much as we hate to admit it, the man is the one that should be in control or dominating his wife. It is not so, it is just the other way round. Women who succeed in turning their husbands into mijin hajiya or ‘woman wrapper’ not only cause tongues to start wagging about how submissive your husband is to a controlling and dominating wife like yourself, they incur the wrath of the husband’s relations and even other community members.
“My wife has taken complete control of my life. I can no longer go outside for a breath of fresh air unless I’m accompanied by The Dictator herself or her mother, who’s currently living with us,” says Larry Okey, an entrepreneur.
Another thing with controlling wives is that they never allow any of their in-laws to be around them. It is always her mother or her sister who will always keep an eye on the husband and give feed her back on the activities of the husband whenever she is not around. Does it ever cross the mind of a controlling wife that her husband could become feed up and explode on her? It has happened!
Being a controlling wife could come in several ways. One of it is always having things done in your own wy, though there is no denying the fact that some men are just not positive in the affairs of their home at all.
Women who tend to have this character are not aware that they are controlling and dominating their men. They may even deny that they are not the controlling type when confronted, but the basic questions to ask is do you appreciate whatever he does for you? Do you consult him before you do certain things even if it has to do with you personally? Do you insist that he does something for you even if it is not within his capacity to do it? Do you always see faults in him or whatever he does? Do you decide the kind of friends he hangs out with and what he does with his extra time? If you are guilty of any of these, then you need to make drastic and realistic adjustment as you might just be sinking your marriage.
Do not see the marriage as one that needs a dominator but as one of partnership. No one wants to be seen as one whose husband is always afraid of, the man should always be able to assert his authority as head of the home. Learning to trust your spouse will also do a lot of good as it will erase a lot of suspicion, thereby curbing the tendency to be a controlling wife. The only person who can help you out of this negative behaviour is you and you alone, see positivity in the marriage and not trying to be the control freak.