Technical diversions

Dearest Buhari, I was panicking when I heard you had somehow gone missing on your way back from the US. I had been tracking your flight online, excited that you would be home soon to continue tackling the big issues in the country. And then I heard that nobody knew where you were. Then I […]

Dearest Buhari,

I was panicking when I heard you had somehow gone missing on your way back from the US. I had been tracking your flight online, excited that you would be home soon to continue tackling the big issues in the country. And then I heard that nobody knew where you were. Then I thought perhaps you had fallen in love in another country and had decided to run away. I know Nigeria is hard. But you love us. This is why you wooed us for so many years to be our man. I know how hard it is to stay. We have had many who couldn’t stay. I will understand if you decide you don’t want to be our man anymore. All that blood on your hands must be hard to wipe clean. I understand. Thankfully there is Garba Shehu who gives us clear updates. He told us how you had a small plane which couldn’t do the long flight from the US to Nigeria. He said you had a technical diversion. I believe him. 

Did you hear of the last massacre? No not the one you did in December 2015. That was Shiites. No not the one in Rann. That one was your airforce and we all know it was a mistake. I mean the one from yesterday. In Zamfara. Even though, depending on what day you read this another massacre may have happened in Benue, or Taraba or Nassarawa or Borno. Who knows? One gets confused these days. I think we should build a huge monument to those who die daily where we can inscribe their names and have people visit so they can see how we remember our dead. I think we can get Rochas Okorocha to build it seeing as he is addicted to statues.

I think we should talk to the army. They are embarrassing you by arresting herdsmen with AK47s. You know how you told them in America that it is mercenaries from Libya who are doing the killings in Nigeria. I think it is no good for them to arrest Nigerians who are wielding weapons. Just when the world began to believe you. 

Darling, did you see what happened to Dino Melaye? They say he tried to escape from a moving police vehicle while they were taking him to court. I think we should use him for an advert for future Senators. They need to be fit enough to jump when they are in situations like this. If Dino had been going to the gym, he would not have landed in hospital after attempting to jump from a police vehicle.

I have to say that your deputy, Osinbajo is so useful. He makes it easier for you to be free, in a way like Trump, to say whatever you want and do whatever you want. He will come out with his calm face and invoke God and make people forget your mistakes and the deaths and the insults. He is like a balm. You should never let him go. He makes it all so great and will be very useful in making people forget the kidnapping, the killings, the attacks, the villages razed down, the insecurity, the breakdown of law and order. Once he starts doing the rounds in the churches and making those intelligent speeches, we will all start screaming SAI BABA!

I can’t wait for you to go on the road and start campaigning. I can’t wait for the promises and the achievements. What have we achieved this year? I will say my dear, that among other things, we have been able to get you to relatively good health, glory be to London. There is nothing like a healthy leader. Also you visited Trump. And if what he said is anything to go by, we might soon start seeing American agricultural imports as we remove barriers to doing business in Nigeria for America. I know this is not what Audu Ogbeh had in mind when he spoke about growing Nigerian agriculture, but who doesn’t like American apples and oranges. And huge American pizza. Technically, since so many vegetables are being used in making pizza, this would fall under agriculture. 

I hear that Leah Sharibu is still in Boko Haram custody after the last swap. Can we do something about it so that we can get votes and use it to campaign? 

I would have suggested that you try reading some books but I just heard that you don’t even listen to music. Don’t worry. Just sleep like your doctor ordered and you will be alright. We will all be alright. 

PS. As usual, my weekly reminder that we need to release Zakzaky and his followers who are in custody despite courts orders. I know he is stubborn and all. But you have killed his children and hundreds of his followers. If anything, I think they have suffered enough. Do it for the elections if not anything else. Hugs. 

Yours till 2023,

Elnathan John