Prof. Brainy • Created February 11, 2023 04:31

Tell, Don’t Yell

I was once invited to give a talk at a retreat for women.  Their ages ranged from 14 to 70.  But I wasn’t the only speaker.  Many scholars—both male and female—were invited to make presentations.  Here’s a thought experiment I shared with them. Imagine you’re a leader. A great leader with intact credibility—universally respected. One […]

Tell, Don’t Yell

I was once invited to give a talk at a retreat for women.  Their ages ranged from 14 to 70.  But I wasn’t the only speaker.  Many scholars—both male and female—were invited to make presentations.  Here’s a thought experiment I shared with them.

Imagine you’re a leader. A great leader with intact credibility—universally respected. One day you’re addressing your employees while they are gathered in the hall. Then they hear loud music outside and discover that it is a company doing an end-of-the-year promo. Their products have been discounted by up to 50%.

Your subordinates want to go and buy, but they are with you. So they are of two minds. Should they go or should they stay? Eventually, they leave to participate in the dancing and trading—leaving you standing.

What would you do?

Let’s bring the example closer home. You’re a father with many children. One day you’re talking to them in the garden. They are listening attentively, then someone announces that the Premier League game between Man City and Liverpool has started. So they abandon you and run inside the house to watch football.

What would you do?

This happened to Prophet Muhammad (SAW). He was giving a sermon on Friday. The companions listened to every word. Then they got distracted by trade and amusement. So they dispersed and left him standing!

I can imagine that it is the epitome of embarrassment for a leader. It would feel like you no longer have any authority. A few beats of the drum stripped you of all control.

So what did he do?

His reaction was strange then. Even to this day, how he responded appears to be weird. Let’s turn to the Qur’an to get the beautiful account of that Friday.

Chapter 62 documents what happened.

“But [on one occasion] when they saw a transaction or a diversion, [O Muhammad], they rushed to it and left you standing. Say, “What is with Allah is better than diversion and than a transaction, and Allah is the best of providers.”

Can you see what happened?

“…they rushed to it and left you standing.”

What did the Prophet do about this infraction? Let me share two more verses to see if you can figure it out.

“O believers! When the call to prayer is made on Friday, then proceed ˹ diligently to the remembrance of Allah and leave off ˹ your business. That is best for you, if only you knew.”

And lastly:

“And when the prayer has been concluded, disperse within the land and seek from the bounty of Allah, and remember Allah often that you may succeed.”

Something is missing in these three verses: a word of reprimand!

They left the messenger of God standing, and there is no word of rebuke?

Why?

Because they are believers who erred. They are the converted. They have already agreed with you, to follow you.

Instead, what they received are words of instruction. Teaching. Telling. Do this, don’t do that.

A leader or a parent, therefore, is not a tyrant but a teacher. When his followers disappoint, he teaches with words and actions.

So you can not be harsh—especially to the converted—if not, they would run away.

So who are the converted in your professional and personal life? Your children are your converted, your spouse, your friends, your employees, and your neighbours are all the converted.

Because they have chosen to live with you or near you. Some have selected you as a leader. They’ve accepted you. So don’t be harsh. Don’t repel them. Teach them instead. Tell them.

I concede. This is the most difficult thing to do—especially for me. But whenever I descend into the club of the “Easily Offended,” I remember this chapter – Jumu’a. I now commend the same to you.

I’ve always argued that I’ve not seen anywhere where God was harsh with the believers. Of course, He tells them when they are wrong. But the emphasis here is on the word “tell”. Indeed, I’ve never found a more compelling case of tolerance from a leader toward his followers than these verses of the Qur’an.

So,  in 2019, at that FOMWAN gathering where I was lucky to have many Islamic scholars in attendance, I threw them a challenge: “I’ve never seen anywhere in the Qur’an where Allah is harsh with the believers.”

I wanted them to disprove this theory because they understand the Qur’an better than me. But they actually agreed and marveled at that perspective of thinking about a familiar chapter.

And I think there’s a lesson here for all parents.  Don’t Yell. Tell. In other words, teach, don’t yell. Therefore, this is the theme that runs through the entire book.

But there’s more.  After telling, there’s reminding.

Hence, the framework to which I’m learning to stick and which I’m encouraging fellow parents and teachers to adhere is: tell, then remind.   Because if you tell a teenager or young adult something once, your job is not done. You need to remind them over and over again.

In case you’re wondering how that is helpful, the benefits will be explained in the second chapter. If you also think the example given here, of the Prophet, is a tough act to follow, chapter two also shows how I used this mindset with a teenager successfully. And I consider myself as one of the most impatient parents.

This book will change your parenting forever—if I’m allowed to say so myself.

PS: This is the introduction to the book, “Tell, Don’t Yell” by Ibraheem Dooba.

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