The burden of forgiveness

Death is inevitable and losing a spouse is indeed traumatic. And when in-laws, who are expected to provide comfort, vanish after a death, it becomes a double tragedy of sorts, as Mrs. Uchenna Obinna (not real name) found out firsthand. She lamented: “I was accused of killing him, so kids and I were abandoned.” She […]

Death is inevitable and losing a spouse is indeed traumatic. And when in-laws, who are expected to provide comfort, vanish after a death, it becomes a double tragedy of sorts, as Mrs. Uchenna Obinna (not real name) found out firsthand. She lamented: “I was accused of killing him, so kids and I were abandoned.” She said she pulled through by the grace of God and managed to send her four children to school up to University level by herself. “My daughter is planning to get married and they want to be part of it,” she said, pointing out that it is for the aspect of bride price-collection. “I’m confused and my children don’t want anything to do with them as memories of the humiliation we suffered are still fresh. What do I do?”
Kemi Joseph, a 35-year-old Accountant suggests such people shouldn’t be trusted or given relevance. “If she does not trust them then she shouldn’t invite them. What will the blessing of a heartless family do now when they forgot all about them when they needed them the most? I’ll suggest she gets two or more people from her own family to represent her late husband. They didn’t like her from the beginning, so why the change of heart now?”
Chinedu Slyvanus, 43, is an Engineer. He says with or without them, she will survive. “She has made it through the storm without them,” he said, adding that family are people who stand by you when you need them. “I’ll advise her not to cause her daughter pain by reliving a bitter past. The late husband’s deadbeat family should be left for peace to reign. If these kids don’t succeed in life, these uncles would never have cared about locating them.”
Sarah Elema, 35, is a teacher and she believes forgiveness is the key in this instance. “She should move ahead with life. But God has shown that He is supreme in our lives. Wherever they are, those relatives should be regretting their actions. The war was God’s and not hers, so she should forgive and forget.”
Adaeze Okolo, 40, advises that the marriage shouldn’t take place without the late man’s family’s permission. The civil servant said: “She should not fall into the temptations of going ahead with the wedding without notifying her late husband’s family. She will have to inform and invite them but also keep her distance and pray. Her daughter will need blessings in her new life, including that of her late father’s family. One thing I have learnt in my journey through life is to never do wrong to those who have wronged me. Whatever she went through was a test from God to see if she could face a bigger challenge, called love. I suggest she pays them back with love and kindness to show them that she is better.”
Faith Ikemefuna, 36, is a journalist. “It’s tradition for fathers to give their daughter’s hand in marriage. For the sake of her daughter’s happiness give the family their right to give her out in marriage forget the past and let what ought to be done be done.”
Marriage Counsellor Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi gave her opinion on the issue. “Marriage is never a bed of roses and will always come with challenges. I would tell the woman that her husband loved her no matter what the family had against her, so I would suggest she honours his memory and get his family involved no matter the harm they must have done to her and the children. Most importantly, the marriage rites would be the basis of respect for her daughter in her husband’s house. Typical African culture usually doesn’t allow the maternal side of a family only to give out a child out in marriage. The paternal side has to be involved.”
Abdullahi added that some things are better left unsaid. “To err is human, but to forgive is divine. She must forgive them and put the devil to shame.”