The complete manual for Nigerian pastors

1.    Fly private. There is nothing that shows that God is in charge of your hustle like flying private. Spend millions of dollars just so you can travel conveniently and in style. Sure, agents of the devil will call it a waste of money, but they don’t realize that a man of God should not […]

1.    Fly private.
There is nothing that shows that God is in charge of your hustle like flying private. Spend millions of dollars just so you can travel conveniently and in style. Sure, agents of the devil will call it a waste of money, but they don’t realize that a man of God should not suffer any discomfort while doing the work of the Lord. That is why you are rightly called a man of God. You are too special to spend time waiting at the airport like other normal people. If they are so upset they should go and question the God who blessed your hustle and lifted you above your poor followers.
2. Bless women with your seed.
It may not be ideal to sleep with young female members of your congregation, but sometimes these things are beyond human comprehension. When you sleep with female members of the flock, do it with a level of grace that only the anointed can understand. Only God can judge you. And what is sin, when there is grace that abounds?
3.    Sometimes lease out your private jet.
You will not always be in the air flying, so it is fine to have an air transport company that will lease out your jet which you got for evangelism. It is not your business what the jet will be used for. Nobody can blame you if people who leased your jet use it to go and buy weapons. God sees your heart and knows that all you wanted to do was keep the jet up and running to do His work.  
4. Do not pay tax.
Again, these many agents of the devil may spread rumours about your stupendous wealth and the luxury in which you live. Yes, you are making a profit, but whose business is that? Is it not where a person works that he will eat? And did God not promise you prosperity? Only a wicked person will want to deprive you of what they did not give to you. So what if your wealth is the result of weekly sermons about tithing? Humans, being what are, will forget to give God his due. It is your duty to remind them. One of the problems is that people assume it is your money. You may be spending it, but it is not yours. You are only a caretaker. People need to just calm down, pay their tithes, and trust you to know how to balance accounts with God.
5. Remind people never to speak evil against a man of God
Like I said before, humans need reminding. Our rebellious nature sometimes gets the better of us and we begin to look too hard at the life of a man of God or worry about his immorality. A man of God is not subject to the same rules as ordinary people. You have a level of grace that mere mortals cannot understand. You need to keep reminding your members to fear God and by extension, fear you. Because questioning you means questioning God. And all those who question you will not make heaven.
6.    Hang out with corrupt politicians from time to time.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you being close friends with a corrupt government. Was Jesus not a friend to harlots and tax collectors? And what on earth is worse than the Jewish tax collectors in the time of Jesus? You need to make corrupt people feel at ease in the presence of God; who knows, perchance they may be persuaded and accept the gospel of Jesus. Lay hands on them from time to time. And when they make huge donations, purify the money with the blood of Jesus and move on.
7.  There is nothing like a good healing.
Claim to heal people from time to time. Sometimes you may have to hire and pay actors but it is all to draw people and make them believers. After all, did the bible not say that God told Abraham to sacrifice his son when He knew he had a sheep waiting nearby? Was that not deception by human standards? But the scriptures say that the wisdom of the world is foolishness with God. While you perform miracles however, never attempt to heal people who get injured in your church premises during say a stampede or the collapse of your church building. Also, make predictions and prophecies about everything from politics to football but do not make predictions about your own life and church. This is bad karma.
8.    When you go on crusades and travel to perform signs and wonders, travel with your personal physician.
You know how doctors are advised not to treat themselves or their family members? Well the same rule applies with men of God. No need to heal yourself or your family. After all, doctors also need to eat. And like Jesus, you like to feed multitudes.
9. When your wife, who is also a pastor in your church catches you sleeping with other women adultery and moves out of the house, ask your congregation to pray for her.
Because it is your wife who needs the prayers, not you. It is her hard heart that needs healing and forgiveness so that she can recover from the mistake of exposing you and attempting to get a divorce.
10.    Use the word “da” in place of “the”.
For example:
Da lord wants you to give me his tithes for my private jet.
Da bible says touch my anointed.
It sounds nicer.