The current boss

‘Yes I do. Please sit down’. I said to my junior colleague before I asked ‘How can I help you?’ ‘Hope you won’t mind my asking Hajiya, but do you earn more than your husband?’ he asked. ‘No I don’t think so. Actually he earns a lot more than I do’. I replied patiently ‘But […]

‘Yes I do. Please sit down’. I said to my junior colleague before I asked ‘How can I help you?’

‘Hope you won’t mind my asking Hajiya, but do you earn more than your husband?’ he asked.

‘No I don’t think so. Actually he earns a lot more than I do’. I replied patiently

‘But will it make any difference to you if he earns less?’ he asked again.

‘May be not if he is able to meet his obligations to the family.’ I answered again.

‘I don’t know whether I am right to think this way, but ever since my wife moved to a new job in which she earns more than I do, she’s just not the woman she used to be.’ He complained.

‘Are you sure it isn’t from you? I mean are you sure you are not imagining it?’ I asked.

‘No I am not, Hajiya, this is real. At first Jummai will return home late, meet me and the children very hungry and just rush into the kitchen to cook instant noodles. Then when I complained about the poor quality of our diet she offered to get us a cook and pay for her services. I said it’s all right as long as she will show the cook what to do. So since last month, we have been eating whatever the cook prepared however good or bad. But we persevered. Now she travels endlessly and when I complained about it she said there was nothing she could do because she was only pursuing her career. I told her how her absence is affecting the children and asked her to consider changing her roles in the office so she doesn’t jeopardise her family life but she didn’t budge. In fact since I made this suggestion to her she has stopped talking to me beyond formal greetings when we bump into each other in the mornings or evenings.’ He concluded.

‘Did you try to sit down and talk to her? I mean beyond the complaints when she just returned home after a long day at work.’ I queried.

‘Yes I did. I chose last weekend to walk into her room first thing in the morning and bring up the issue. That was the point at which she stopped talking to me.’ Abubakar replied.

‘Could it be that you said some really hurtful things or issued some veiled threats?’ I prodded.

‘No, Hajiya, I honestly did not do that. I simply said to her she needed to review her priorities because her new job is affecting all of us negatively. She replied by reminding me that she had said she was never going to sacrifice her career for this marriage. That she is very much aware of how her income helps in this family so I should not try to box her into a corner.‘ He answered.

‘But was that what you said, that you can do without her income?’ I asked.

‘No I didn’t say anything about income. All I said was she could ask for something less demanding or at least seek to get her old job back, with the explanation that this one entails a lot of travelling and late hours and was affecting her family life. I swear by God I did not say anything about a salary or income. All I said was she wasn’t doing too badly in her old job so it shouldn’t be hard for her to survive on that. Then she lost her cool and began to talk about how much she’s contributing to our upkeep every month and how I never seemed to appreciate it. When it became obvious to me that she was trying to dodge the real issue, I decided to end the discussion. I simply rose and left her room.’ He replied.

‘But, and please answer this honestly, do you live up to your financial obligations in the family? Most men lose the respect of their wives once they neglect to live up to their responsibilities, are you one of them?’ I asked.

‘Hajiya, the best way to answer this is to invite you to my home. Right before her eyes I would like you to ask whether I play my role as a husband and father adequately. I buy foodstuffs in bulk every month-end then I give her housekeeping money right down to car fuelling allowance. I have every receipt for my children’s school fees and hospital bills. Luckily I don’t throw papers like that away. The only thing is, I have never discouraged her if she decided to do something extra for the family. I feel she is only doing that because she feels she can afford to. But those are mainly luxurious indulgences like big birthday parties for the children and similar stuff.  She also loves expensive designer things and I never stopped her from buying them for herself or her children, as long as I have taken care of the necessities of our life.’ Abubakar defended.

‘When you mentioned that you could invite me to your house to verify what you are saying, it occurred to me that the best way to get to the bottom of your problem will be to talk to the two of you together. Can you arrange for some of your elderly relatives to come and mediate between you on this issue? You obviously need a reliable third party to sit down and talk to you both. I have only heard your side of the story and though I believe you have no reason to tell me what is untrue, there may be certain factors influencing her change in behaviour that you may not be able to know. So get some respected elders talk to you both that will surely help in getting you a desirable solution.’ I suggested.

‘Well I’ve actually tried that in my own way. Her elder brother, who is my friend, phoned me the other day. I used the opportunity to invite him home. When he came, I called out and told him the problem. He immediately scolded her for playing with her marital vows and warned her against incurring God’s wrath on herself. She replied that she was doing nothing wrong, that my problem was that I have grown jealous of her success and cannot accept that she is now the current boss in the family…’

‘The current boss’, I interrupted him ‘did she really say that?’

‘Yes those were her very own words. She added that I had developed a complex and that friends have told her that that’s what always happens when you begin to earn more than your husband.’ Abubakar added.

‘And what did you say in response?’ I asked him.

‘I said nothing because the whole thing was beginning to sound ridiculous. Here I was trying to save our marriage because I thought she genuinely cared but could not help her situation. And there she was already letting her friends diagnose me with a low self-esteem complex. I decided to go to my friends too and ask what they will do in my place. They all said they will seek another wife to show her that she wasn’t the only woman in the world. But that isn’t what I want to do. I have a small family, with only two children but if you count in my parents and other relatives, I can’t afford the burden of another wife. Even emotionally I am not ready for all the upheaval that such a step will entail. That’s why I decided to seek you out and hear what you’ll say on the matter.’ He said.

‘Well since you’ve already tried your brother-in-law and his mediation didn’t work, I think you could borrow your friends’ line and tell her that you’ve decided to take another wife because you feel neglected and your children are uncared for. Not that you will really be going polygamous but just to see whether that could change things. I know that if she really values her marriage, she will want to save it by changing her ways. All this talk about her being the current boss and you being jealous and developing a complex wouldn’t come about if she was committed to this marriage. I think a little bit of blackmail might help bring her back to her senses.’ I said.

‘Thank you Hajiya. I will try that and see whether it will work.’ He answered standing up.

‘It will, inshaAllah Abubakar because no woman who values her marriage will stand by and allow that to happen, unless she can’t help the situation. And this is a situation your wife can help, if she wishes.’ I encouraged.