The day the dollar dies!

These may be the days when the prophesy of late reggae crooner, Peter Tosh is fulfilled. He prophesied that “things are gonna be better the day the dollar die.” Well, the dollar may have been dying in its pointless competition against major foreign currencies; against the Naira, it’s been a bully. Everywhere you go, the […]

These may be the days when the prophesy of late reggae crooner, Peter Tosh is fulfilled. He prophesied that “things are gonna be better the day the dollar die.” Well, the dollar may have been dying in its pointless competition against major foreign currencies; against the Naira, it’s been a bully. Everywhere you go, the elite are talking about a weakened Naira when in the psyche of the Yoruba trader, the Naira has never lost its value. The kind of assault that the Naira receives in the north is never tolerated in the southern part of Naija.
Try buying something from a Yoruba trader with a crumpled Naira note, and watch their reaction. It is a rule that if you must spray cash at an owambe party in Isale Eko, you start the journey with crispy Naira hawkers in Yaba. It is anathema to spray musicians with notes carrying the virus of Creutzfeldt-Jacob Disease from lowland butchers or the stain of palm oil traders. It’s a different deal in Kano where, as long as it carries identification number, even in bits and pieces, the Naira is still legal tender.
I don’t understand the hoopla over the domestic ban of the dollar. Majority of us can’t distinguish between a roll of Washington post and value of the plastic in Obama’s wallet and we just don’t care! Just like we have never taken an airplane, we don’t understand the hoopla about climbing or descending airplanes in ladders. What is the difference between a carousel and a stepladder if your favourite mode of transportation is the ever-reliable footrun? We have survived through bans better than ministers ranking high on the protocol list; governors having rights to pick senior special advisers, and special assistants to special advisers. We have survived better than Naija politricians survive with their over bloated egos without riding in long and noisy convoys or their wives without a policeman carrying their bags or fanning them at public functions.
Besides, this ban on the dollar should save our thriving industries and preserve the ever-increasing jobs. It should help us adopt Gandhi’s principle – what Naija does not produce, it should not consume. As long as the price of pounded yam and efo riro is still denominated in Naira at Iya Basira everything is okay? We don’t need the dollar here.
Castro’s Cuba used to boast that if a bag filled with dollars were left in Central Havana overnight it would gather nothing but mist. Nobody bothered to try that experiment in Naija’s FCT knowing that overzealous AEPB officers could confiscate and burn it in their personal incinerators before calling the bomb squad.
There is one exception to that rule, not tempting a security officer with unguarded dollars in security votes especially when surrounded by yam-eating goats accustomed to the flavour of crispy dollar bills. Castro’s goats may be safely under harness; ours have been free range with more animal right activists standing guard than RSPCA or PETA has fee-paying members. 
Which brings me to how a court jester, sorry I meant registrar could have swindled an army general of the sum of $330,000. Apparently some of us have been beating the wrong horse when Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala’s salary was denominated in dollars. Retired generals are machines that mint money – ask Oladipo Diya whose N30 million-vehicle allowance was paid in anticipation of inflation for the next four years. Our general in question must have been one of those hard-working chairmen of Zuru-based companies that missed the Forbes list. It is said that Babatunde Fowler is enjoying his slaphappy aide-de-camp to brief us on this general’s contribution to the tax-muscles of our beleaguered Naira.
Generators are on the prohibition list, which is just as good because there ought to be a drastic reduction in the number of people using gadgets judging by the damage that misinformation is doing to the national psyche. Since Sinnator Bala ibn Na’Allah entered into national limelight for deploying his legislative arsenal against freedom of expression instead of massive poverty. We have all been praying that we never get to that period when we go to Zuru with our basket of kolanuts, rams and drums of mai shanu to placate this high-flying sinnator who, like Donald Trump his counterpart in ignorance, wants to muzzle social media.
These are no good times for anything media. We were just bemoaning the impact of blogging on the credibility of serious media not knowing that seriousness is being excised from mainstream media. Most media moguls, writers and editors started the year with their eyes on winning global media laurels; they are ending it becoming the news. From being Dasukied, courts have Dokpesied new bail conditions while newspaper owners have seen their images Obaigbenaed. We have hopes that things get better the day the dollar die! Gencos and Discos may ration us out of those with the capacity to hear Lai Mohammed tell us who is responsible for banning their ability to find solutions to the problems left behind by the previous government? 
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